Diary of a Female Punk
by Cyberweasel89
Summary: She's sarcastic. She's indifferent. She'd rather play baseball that do school work. Her name's Ness, and she's the classic teenaged punk. Who'd have thought she'd save the world? FemNess
1. Prologue: Falling Skies

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**Rating:** T

**Genre:** Adventure, Action, Sci-Fi, Romance

**Summary:** She's sarcastic. She's indifferent. She'd rather play baseball that do school work. Her name's Ness, and she's the classic teenaged punk. Who'd have thought she'd save the world?

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

Be _Cyberweasel89_

**Prologue:** Falling Skies

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"...Ness."

"...Ness!"

"...Ness!"

When words wouldn't wake the teenaged girl, the teacher promptly threw the apple from her desk at her. The red fruit struck her right in the head, sending her falling backwards in her chair.

Groggily getting up and adjusting her baseball cap, she turned to glare at the teacher. "What do _you_ want, you old hag?"

"Ness. You should not be sleeping during class. And how many times do I have to tell you that hats are _not_ allowed in school?"

The girl got back into her chair, yawning. "First off, that's a stupid rule, and rules were meant to be broken. Second, it's the last day of school. Tomorrow is summer vacation. So lay off me, you old hag."

"Someone should teach you to watch your tone, young lady!" the teacher huffed. "Now... Turn to page 108 of your English books. Complete this assignment before the bell rings and I'll let you leave early."

Ness turned to look out the window. It was getting really warm out... Summer was just around the corner. And that meant baseball season.

Looking at her, you could hardly guess Ness was a girl. She sure dressed like a boy. Blue jean shorts, a yellow and blue striped T-shirt, sneakers, red baseball cap. If it weren't for her long, curly hair and notably well-developed chest, most would overlook her as just another punk kid. Which, technically, she was. So what if she preferred playing baseball to doing schoolwork? So what if she liked to hang out with the boys in the tree house in the woods? So what if she talked back to adults and seemed to treat everything with the same sarcastic indifference? No big deal. She was just happy to ride the wave of mediocrity into an easy life. No one had any expectations of you when you only got Ds and Cs and didn't join any school activities. Just relaxing and playing baseball, that was her dream.

The bell ringing announced that school was over for the summer. Ness was the first to jump from her desk and run out into the halls, pushing her way through the crowds and out the door into the summer sun. She was soon met by a group of four boys who came to walk alongside her, one wearing a gray fedora, one wearing a red batting helmet, one wearing a black bowler, and one with shaggy black hair.

"Ready to head for the tree house?" one asked.

"You bet! You bring the smokes?" Ness asked, walking with her arms wrapped behind her head and her chest thrust out. Always turned guys' heads when she did that.

"Got 'em right here. Mom buys so many packs, she'll never notice one missing. The booze is a different story. I got caught last night by my dad."

"Damn. Ah well, smokes will have to do for today."

"Hey, Ness, show us that thing you can do."

"Dude, I need more room and a baseball bat to hit a Ness Home Run."

"No, that... lifty thing!"

Oh. Sighing, Ness brought her friends behind a tree where no one could see them. "Got something for me?"

"Uhhh... Pencil." One boy offered, pulling the item from his pocket.

"Pencil? That ain't any fun. Ah well. Have to do."

Ness stared at the item in her friend's hand. She concentrated as hard as she could. It wiggled a little on its own, and just as the sweat began to bead on her forehead, it floated into the air, doing a few slow horizontal figure eights.

"Dude, that's awesome!"

Breathing a sigh of relief, the pencil fell to the ground. It was always hard to keep that going... And she was always so tired after doing it.

"How come you can do that, Ness?" One of her friends asked.

Beginning to walk again, the teenaged girl shrugged. "Beats me. Not even sure if there's a good use for it."

"Couldn't you grab something from across the room?"

"Nah, most things worth grabbing like that are too heavy for me to lift, and too far away to maintain."

"Maybe if you practice a little, or something..."

"What? I ain't no side show. Now let's get to the tree house already."

"Sure thing, boss."

To be honest, the only reason Ness wasn't in the Sharks, the local gang of ruffians, was because she refused to wear those stupid uniforms and goggles. She wasn't the gang type, anyway. These four were just friends of hers. Anyway, it was summer now, so time to relax and play baseball. Woohoo!

**XXXXXXXXXX**

That night, Ness had unusual dreams. She'd been having a lot of unusual dreams lately. Dreams of flying saucers raining beams down on towns. Dreams of an incredibly evil power that she and three others would face and defeat. Dreams of walking through various locations with these three people, seeing rare sights and going to the ends of the Earth.

Her dreams were disrupted by a loud bang that shook the ground and made the teenaged girl fall out of her bed. Not that it was hard to knock Ness out of her bed. She'd been sprawled out and hanging off the edge of the mattress when the ground shook and the loud bang sounded, so it was just the little push that sent her tumbling.

Standing up, the girl scratched her bare ass, yawning and shuffling to the door.

She flipped the lights in the hallway, groggily looking about. The door to her younger sister Tracy's room was cracked open, the girl staring out at her.

Tracy was Ness's baby sister, and she strived to be just like her big sis. Naturally, Ness wanted a future for her. So she made sure to set a good example for Tracy while she was home. It was why she went to loiter or hang out in town so much. She couldn't be herself at home. Had to act good for Tracy's sake.

"Hey, sis. The sound wake you up too? Were you freaked out?" Tracy asked, still mostly hidden behind her door.

"Yeah. I'll go investigate. You go back to bed, Tracy."

"Take this, sis." The small girl reached to the side and held a baseball bat out. Ness gently took it.

The bat was Ness's favorite bat from her childhood, lent to Tracy for safe keeping. It was cracked and on its last leg, and Ness had been using the bats at the baseball field ever since she retired Ol' Excalibat a year ago.

"Uh... Thanks, Tracy."

"You better get dressed, sis. Mom doesn't like it when you walk around the house naked..."

Sigh... Tracy had a point. So, sighing, she turned and returned to her room to get dressed. Nothing too fancy. Just some boyshorts, a cami, and some flip-flops for now. Oh, and her trademark red baseball cap. Couldn't be seen without it, after all. She had a reputation to uphold.

Walking downstairs, Ness found her mom sitting at the table, looking worried.

"What was that noise?" she wondered. "Ness, you don't seem scared. Are you nuts?"

"Whatever. I'm going to go check it out, Mom. Stay here."

"Oh... Okay..." Her mom sighed. "You'll sneak out of you room, anyway, even if I asked you not to."

Dammit, Ness's mom sure knew her well. "I'll be home as soon as I can, mom. Just watch the house."

She turned to where a big white dog slept curled up on the couch.

"You too, King!"

The dog lifted his head and barked. Only Ness heard what he said.

("Dogs and humans all sleep at night. Why aren't you asleep?")

Aside from... making things float... Ness could do something else. She could talk to animals. Well, sort of. It was more like... She could hear their thoughts. And they could hear _her_ thoughts. Unlike the floating thing, which she only discovered a few months ago, she'd been able to do this since she was little. Not even her friends or family knew, though. After all, who would believe her?

("I'm going to go check out that noise, King. You be a good boy and guard mom and Tracy for me, okay?") she told him with her mind.

With her father always away on business, King _was_ technically the man of the house. They weren't sure what breed of dog he was. He was clearly a mutt of some sort, her father figured, when he showed up on their doorstep during a rainstorm as a puppy. But he'd been a faithful companion to Ness ever since, though he was getting old. Knowing his duty, the dog merely yawned and curled back to sleep on the couch. But Ness knew he understood. He would fight if he had to.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Naturally, the road to town was closed off. It was Onett's claim to fame. Any time something happened, the police closed off the roads. Didn't matter who couldn't go where. And it lasted a while, too. Oh, and that's pronounced like 'on it', which few out-of-towners could get right.

She talked to various police officers along the way up the mountain, finding out a meteorite fell at the peak. Along the way, she stopped by her sort-of-neighbor's house, Lier X. Agerate. Mr. Agerate lived higher up the mountain in a small house. Supposedly, he was a sign and billboard maker, but fancied himself a treasure hunter. You'd think Ness could get some booze or smokes from the guy, but this guy was all about working out and eating garlic to stay healthy.

Ness found her neighbor Porky near the top of the mountain, bothering some police officers. One ran up to her the second she showed up.

"Nice timing, Ness. Will you do something about Porky? He's driving me nuts. Are you two friends?"

Ness glanced over at the fat tub of lard annoying a nearby officer with incessant questions.

"No." was the teenaged girl's flat answer.

"Oh. But aren't you neighbors? C'mon, help me out here!"

Sighing, Ness stamped up to the fat bastard she had for a neighbor and tapped him on the shoulder, recoiling when she felt how wet with sweat he was. He turned around, surprised to see her. And delighted to see her wearing a low-cut cami, the perv.

"Hey, Ness. Don't be rubberneckin'. You're gettin' in the cops, oops... I mean officer's way! You can go home now. Tomorrow I, Porky, will tell you more about the strange meteorite. I'm fine here, but you're bugging the officers!"

Sighing, Ness turned around and walked away. The police officer made pleading motions with his hands, but Ness shook her head and continued on her way. She needed more goddamn sleep...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness was awoken several hours later in the night by a knock on the door. Or, rather, knocking. It was really annoying knocking. It had no discernible rhythm, and the second you got used to it, it would change. Throwing on her boyshorts and cami, Ness shuffled downstairs to find her mother sitting at the table again.

"My land! Who could be knocking at the door at this time of night? Would you answer it, please?"

Sighing, Ness walked up to answer the door, only for it to burst open just as she reached for the doorknob, Porky stumbling in and panting.

"Hey! L-L-Listen to what I've got to say! When I took Picky to the place where the meteorite landed- Oh! Good evening ma'am. You're looking lovely as usual." The fat lard greeted her mom, then snickered at the end. "Anyway, as I was saying, the police that were guarding the meteorite landing left suddenly to deal with the Sharks. You know the Sharks, they're the local ruffians, and they were really going wild. Suddenly, I noticed that Picky was gone. I blame the cops... It certainly wasn't my fault at all. When my dad gets back, I know I'm gonna get whipped... You're my bestest friend. Won't _you_ help me find Picky?"

Ness sighed, rubbing her head in irritation. "Okay, first off, _duh_ I know who the Sharks are. I live in this freakin' town! Second, I'm not your bestest friend. We're not even regular friends. And third, if it'll get you out of my house so I can sleep, then yes, I'll help you find the only member of your entire household family that I actually enjoy the company of."

"Okay, good buddy! Let's blow this popsicle stand... Before we go, why don't you say goodbye to your mom?" He turned to her mom. "Don't you agree, ma'am?"

Pfft. Like hell she'd do that. Grumbling to herself, Ness went back upstairs to grab her baseball bat. When she came back, wearing flip-flops this time, her mother approached her.

"I know that the dog is unreliable, but you should take King along. No matter what anyone says, you're a courageous, strong girl. You're my very own natural born fighter... You'll go far... Remember to go for it!"

Ness sighed. "Thanks, mom." Ugh... Her mom was so lame.

She turned when she felt a small tap on her back, finding Tracy standing there. "Um... I'll do whatever I can to help. You might get hungry along the way, so here's a cookie." The girl handed Ness a chocolate chip cookie, which she accepted and put in her yellow backpack, along with a bread roll from dinner earlier that night.

Walking up, she found Porky lounging on the coach, the lard, and he had kicked King off of it to do it. The dog walked up to her, wagging his tail. She knelt down to give him a good rub behind the ears.

"You might have to do some walking, old guy. Think you can handle it?" Ness asked her pet.

("I've got fleas sucking me dry, but I'll do my best to keep up with you.") the dog joked with her.

Porky hopped off the couch, ready to go. "All right! You go out in front, and I'll follow at a safe distance. Lets get going!"

Just then, the phone starting ringing. "The phone is ringing! Answer it!" Porky pointed out. "At my house, my dad gets bent if I don't get the phone..." Uh-huh... "...within the first three rings!" What.

Sighing, Ness walked up to answer the phone. "What is it? You picked a bad time to call." She complained.

"Hello, it's your dad."

"Daddy?" Ness questioned, in disbelief.

Unlike like her mother, who was lame but tended to let Ness do what she wanted, she was very close to her father. He was always away on business, though, but frequently wired her allowance to a private account made just for her. He'd taken a large hand in raising her until he became the new CEO of his company and needed to travel a lot. Ness was always overjoyed to hear from him.

"Work to exhaustion when you're young... Have you ever heard of a weird saying like that?" Ness smiled. "Just remember, I'm always behind you one-hundred percent. Don't be afraid. I know that you're brave. You can do it!"

"All right. Thanks, daddy."

Regardless of her tough punk persona, Ness became a little girl again whenever she talked to her father. His words always meant so much to her...

"Oh, I almost forgot the reason I called." Her father continued. "I'm still in Yumland discussing the possible merge with our rival company, but I've got a lot of time between meetings if you want to talk about how things are going. So don't be afraid to call me periodically. Oh, and I deposited thirty dollars into your back account. Do you have your ATM card?"

"Always have it on me, daddy." Ness assured him.

"Great! Feel free to spend however much you need. I'll deposit more if it looks a little low, and you still get your allowance. Good luck, m'girl! I feel like such a hero! Well, the father of a hero, at least. Wa ha ha!"

"Bye, daddy."

He hung up, but that conversation was all Ness needed to strengthen her already steeled resolve. Adjusting her baseball cap and giving her bat a test swing, she turned and walked out the front door, Porky and King a few steps behind her.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Second they turned down the road, they were jumped by a coil snake. They were native to the Onett area, but luckily weren't poisonous. It jumped at Ness, but she beat it away with her baseball bat, and it crawled away back into the brush. Another also attacked, but a quick lunge and bite from King tore its head off. Porky, of course, didn't do anything except shy away from any fights and hide behind his 'best buddy.' Fat lard... When Porky tried to hide from a stray dog inside a bush, he disturbed a crow, which began spitefully pecking at his head.

"Ah! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" Porky cried.

Sighing, Ness brought her baseball bat up in a swinging pose. "Get down, Porky."

Rather than waiting for Porky to actually duck, Ness swung her bat, sending the crow flying.

"The animals seem really aggressive tonight." Porky noted, pulling feathers out of his hair.

"Maybe you're just pissing them off." Ness bitterly noted. The bitterness was, of course, lost on Porky.

"Could be they smell food on us, or something. We do tend to eat food on occasion."

Sighing, Ness ignored his idiocy and trudged further up the mountain. From then on, the crows seemed intent on trying to steal from her backpack, while the stray dogs seemed more interested in howling loudly.

They passed by Mr. Agerate's house, and he was outside sitting on his porch, so Ness ran up and asked if he had seen Picky.

"Well, don't know if it was Picky, since I was too busy to investigate, but I heard a child's voice on the hilltop."

"Cool. Thanks, Mr. Agerate."

"I'm a busy man, but when I do a job, I do it well. I'm a _man's man_."

Sighing, Ness continued up the mountain, fighting off one more crow and stray dog before climbing the last hill to the peak.

There was the meteorite. It looked pretty hot, still, so Ness didn't touch it, and advised King not to sniff it. Porky she didn't care about, but he was too busy hiding behind her to think about the meteorite.

King barked and ran ahead, going behind a tree. They heard Picky cry in surprise, and Ness ran after her dog to see King licking the boy on the face.

"Gah! Good to see you too, King." Picky laughed, rubbing the dog's ears.

"Hey, Picky."

Picky looked up to see Ness. "Oh. Hey, Ness." Then he leaned to look behind her. "Porky! I've been looking all over for you..." he turned back to Ness. "You see, Porky got scared and ran away... Well, I'm glad that you're okay at least... Let's go home now. I bet mom and dad are worried sick about us. Geez! Sometimes I wonder which one of us is the real big brother."

Getting up, Picky and Ness knocked fists for a sec, their way of greeting each other, and turned to leave, but Picky stopped.

"Ness! Do you hear a buzzing that sounds like a bee flying around?"

Ness listened intently for a moment. "Come to think of it, I do."

"Yes! You can hear it!"

"I can't hear it..." Porky complained.

"Whatever, Porky." Ness dismissed. "Where's it coming from?"

The buzzing got loader, then all four turned to see a bright light shining forth from the meteorite. Porky immediately ran to hide behind a nearby bush, while Picky brought his fists up, and Ness readied her baseball bat. What emerged from the light was some kind of... bee thing. It was too big to be a regular bee, and when it flew up to Ness's face, she could see it was clearly robotic-looking, with a set of clear arms and legs and a waist, but the face and antennae of a bee. But Ness got the sense that this seemingly robotic bee was alive...

"A bee I am... not." It announced, flying circles around Ness's head. "I'm from ten years in the future. And, in the future, all is devastation... Giygas, the universal cosmic destroyer, sent all to the horror of eternal darkness..." The bee-thing paused. "However, you must listen! Where I am from, there is a well-known legend that has been handed down from ancient times. It says, 'when the chosen girl reaches the point, she will find the light. The passing of time will shatter the nightmare rock and will reveal the path of light.' You see, it is my opinion that you are that girl, Ness. This I believe..." The bee-thing paused again. "Giygas' monstrous plan must have been set in motion somewhere on Earth... If you start to confront the enemy immediately, you may have time to counter the evil intentions of Giygas. Three things are of the utmost importance... Wisdom, courage, and friendship... The legends from the ancient times tell of two boys and two girls who defeat Giygas... I will tell you more later. Go now! And do not be anxious about the future. You have much work to do, Ness."

What. No, really, just what. Some robo-bee comes out of a pillar of light from a fallen meteorite and tells her that she's the chosen hero destined to save the ruined future of ten years from now? What.

"Whoa, dude. Bee... dude. You've gotta be mistaken. I'm not the hero type."

"How so?"

"If a hero was starving and found a plate of potato skins in a food-deprived village, he'd share it with the townsfolk. I'd want the entire plate to myself, so I'm clearly a rebel."

"Hm. You are as exceptional as I expected you to be. But you will see. You are the chosen hero, Ness. Not to worry. I shall guide you on your quest. I am Buzz Buzz."

"Uh... I'm Ness. But I guess you already knew tha- Wait, how do you know my name?"

"You are quite famous where I come from, Ness. And... I'm telepathic."

"What?"

"Psychic."

"Seriously?"

"Yes. So are you."

"You mean that floaty thing is-"

"Telekinesis."

"And my hearing animals' thoughts is-"

"Telepathy."

"...You gotta be shittin' me."

"Ness!" Porky spoke up. "It looks like you're really in a lot of trouble this time... Two boys, he said? Uhhh... I'm not one of those two, am I?... 'Cause... I'm not into this kind of thing at all..."

"Am I one of those heroes, Buzz Buzz?" Picky asked.

"What is your name, child?"

"Picky."

"Ah, Picky. Fear not, for you will have your own role to play in Ness's story. Just remember to take risks when you can."

"Sweet!"

"Now, we should get you home so you can prepare for your journey. You are dressed far too casually for what is ahead."

Yeah... boyshorts, a cami, and some flip-flops weren't exactly good fighting clothes. But she needed to head back to bed, and hopefully ditch this Buzz Buzz guy. It was summer vacation. She had a lot of loafing around to do.

Ness, Porky, Picky, King, and Buzz Buzz made their way down the mountain, not encountering a single hostile animal like they had on the way up. They passed by Mr. Agerate's house, and he waved Ness over.

"Ness, buddy... I have something to tell you, and only you. Can you come visit me later, alone?"

"Uh... Sure thing, Mr. Agerate."

"Great! Now you scoot on back home."

Ness and friends did just that. But as the dirt path forked between Ness and Porky's house, there was a flash of light, following by a pillar of light falling down in front of them, some sort of... large white man standing there when the light subsided. It had two arms and two legs, a torso, and a clear head, but... Its feet didn't have toes, and it had no hands. Only a visor was on its face, like some kind of readout screen, and some odd insignia on its left breast. Could it have been some sort of super-advanced robot, or something?

"It's been a long time, Buzz Buzz." It said, its voice clearly robotic. "You've been successful at foiling Master Giygas' plans. But... Buzz Buzz, you must now surrender. You're no longer a hero, but just a useless insect. I'll stomp you hard!"

"Rah!"

Picky lunged forward, swinging his fists at the odd robot.

"Picky! What are you doing?!" Porky called from the sidelines.

"I'm taking risks, like the bee-dude said!" he announced, finding scoring a punch on the thing's chest. It stumbled back a little, then rubbed its chest with its tentacle-like arm. Picky swallowed hard at his punch barely doing anything... The robot brought its tentacle-like arms to its temples, Ness clearly feeling some sort of... energy building.

"Picky! Get out of the way!"

Ness dove forward, pushing Picky out of the way as fire began to gather around the strange robot's arms and head. "PK Fire Beta!"

"...Shit."

Ness braced herself for being burned... but opened her eyes when she didn't feel anything. Was she dead? She looked up to see Buzz Buzz standing between her and the robot, some sort of violet barrier erected in front of him.

"PK Shield Sigma!" Buzz Buzz announced.

When the fire subsided, Buzz Buzz dropped the shield, his limbs drooping like he was tired.

"Buzz Buzz... You saved my life..." Ness said in shock.

"Forget that! Ness, dude, _you_ saved _my_ life!" Picky announced as he got up from the side of the road.

"Stay calm, everyone!" Buzz Buzz announced. "I must renew the shield!"

A growling alerted everyone to King's presence, who lunged forward and bit onto the robot's arm. It shook its arm to try and shake the canine off, but King had a powerful lock on him.

"Hiyaaa!"

Buzz Buzz flew forward with surprising speed, his leg outstretched as he kicked the robot in the head, cracking its visor. Was Buzz Buzz that strong?

"Ness! Hit it with your Ness Home Run!" Picky yelled from the sidelines.

Ness readied her baseball bat, getting ready for a swing. She dashed forward, just as the robot threw King into a nearby tree and readied for another psychic flamethrower attack.

"Ness... Home... Run!" Ness yelled, swinging her bat just as the robot shot another blast of fire.

The bat hit it right in the visor, breaking it and making smoke pore forth from it. The robot twitched for a bit before falling limp like a ragdoll, curling up and exploding.

The explosion sent Ness flying back and into Picky, both tumbling across the grass. Ugh... That hurt. Groaning, Ness stood, looking at herself for any damage. Her clothes were a little singed... But that was nothing compared to her baseball bat. It had completely broken along the crack line. Feeling her head, she found her hat was heavily burned too, but at least she was fine. Then she realized.

"King!"

Ness crawled over to where King lay on his side against a tree, whimpering.

"King! Say something, boy!"

("Owwwww... I think I broke a rib...") the dog whined.

"Don't worry, boy, we'll get you to a vet!"

"Wait." Buzz Buzz flew up. "You can help him."

"I can? How?"

"Ask your mind for the answer."

"My mind?"

"Yes. You are a powerful psychic, Ness. You just have yet to realize your full potential. Think about your wish, and focus your mind. You will find the answer."

Her wish? Well... she wanted to heal King. So... Placing both hands on King's chest, she searched her mind for something, anything. Then... she felt a warmth. It was getting closer.

"Lifeup Alpha." Ness announced, her hands glowing a blue light as they pressed against where King's wound was. Ness could feel her energy being drained... But it wasn't her stamina. It was some kind of... mind energy. After several moments, King lifted his head, getting up and wagging his tail.

("Thank you, master.") he said, his tongue sticking out as he panted happily.

"King! You're okay!" Ness cried, wrapping the big dog in her arms.

("Yes. You healed me. That was incredible, master!") King told her.

"Well done."

Buzz Buzz flew up to Ness, hovering next to her head. "I'm sorry about your bat and hat... But I'm impressed you realized your power to heal your injured canine. I know this is a touching moment, but we should be going."

There was a rustling in a nearby bush, and out jumped Porky, throwing his arms up in the air and cheering.

"Yes! We won!"

Ness and Picky just glared at him.

"What?"

"What do you mean, we? You didn't do anything!" Ness pointed out.

"Yes, I did! I was totally watching your backs from that bush when that thing attacked."

"Oh, yeah. Buzz Buzz! What was that thing?" Ness questioned, standing up, but one hand still rubbing King on the head.

"A Starman. Specifically, a Starman Junior. A highly advanced psychic robot."

"Junior? You mean there are stronger versions out there?" Porky exclaimed.

"Yes. We were lucky. I was taking a big chance there. He came from ten years in the future to kill me, so we can't relax yet! From now on, you'll be fighting enemies sent by Giygas, as well as humans who have evil thoughts. They'll definitely make trouble during your quest. Animals are also becoming violent due to Giygas' influence over their minds."

"Seriously?" Ness asked.

"It is the truth, so listen!"

Ness stood, throwing the burned remains of her hat onto the grass, and the broken handle of her baseball bat with it. She'd have to pick up another one at the drug store.

"C'mon, we need to get these two home."

"Of course." Buzz Buzz agreed.

They got up and began walking, but Ness stopped.

"Buzz Buzz? What did that guy mean when he said you were no longer a great hero?"

Buzz Buzz paused for a long time before he spoke. "It doesn't matter. I'll tell you someday."

Ness nodded, having to accept that. After all, they had a whole adventure ahead of them. It was only the start, and Buzz Buzz already saved her life. And Ness always repaid her debts.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They walked into the Minch househould to find Mrs. Minch pacing around, and her husband lounging on the couch.

"Where in sam hill have you boys been?" their mother demanded. "Your father will have to punish you!"

Their father got up from the couch, walking up to ness. "I'm really sorry that my kids troubled you so much..." He turned to Porky and Picky. "Both of you are really going to get it now!"

He pointed to the stairs, both boys looking down at the ground and trudging upstairs. He followed them up, and Ness clearly heard the sounds of them being beaten, though Ness wasn't sure what with and didn't think she wanted to know...

Porky and Picky's father returned, walking up to her and rubbing his arm, likely tired from the whipping he just gave his boys. "By the way, I would be happy if you left sometime soon. I'm tired of your family living next door. We've loaned your father a lot of money. It may have been a hundred thousand dollars or more... Well, I guess it really could have been less, but because of the loan, my family and I now live in poverty!"

Ness sighed, rubbing her temple. "Dude... You loaned my father twenty bucks for some shares of his company. The only reason you refuse to let him pay you back is because you like to use it as ammo for badmouthing him. The shares you have are worth a lot of money now, and I know for a fact you're all doing quite well for yourselves because Picky said you just got back from an expensive restaurant you visit in the next town over every Friday."

She could clearly tell Mr. Minch wanted to smack her right then and there... but restrained himself. He walked over and plopped down on the couch, picking up the remote and flipping through channels on the TV.

Mrs. Minch walked up, and boy was she ugly. All that plastic surgery... "My husband is much too lenient with the children. Oh well, nice guys finish last. That's the story of our life..."

Now Ness was tempted to punch her in her fat, collagen-infused mouth, but instead just sighed and rubbed her temples.

"Ayaaaeee!"

Ness looked up when she heard Porky and Picky's mother scream. "I think it's a dung beetle! I'll smash your guts out!"

Ness tried to stop her, but it all happened so fast. Within seconds, Buzz Buzz was on the ground, small sparks coming from his damaged robotic body. Ness knelt down and scooped him up, holding him up to her face. Buzz Buzz wasn't buzzing anymore...

"Augh!" the psychic bee bot gasped. "I was... Much weaker than I thought..."

"Buzz Buzz! Stay with me! You're gonna be okay!" Ness pleaded, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Do not cry, Ness. For you must now begin your adventure... without me. But, please, listen to my final words..."

Ness merely nodded, the tears already beginning to run down her cheeks.

"To defeat Giygas, your own power must unite with the Earth's... The Earth will then channel your power and multiply it... There are eight points that you must visit. Make these places your own... Each of these locations is 'Your Sanctuary.' One of them is near Onett. It is called 'Giant Step.' Go there first..."

"Buzz Buzz, c'mon! It can't be the end for you! I still owe you for saving my life!"

"No... You are a very intelligent young woman... and... Oh, the pain... Everything is getting dark..." the robot bee groaned in pain before gasping. "Before I pass on, I want to give you something... Originally, I was intended to go with you and record the melodies of each Your Sanctuary location. But you will have to do it yourself. Take the memory core from inside my chest. It is called the Sound Stone. It will automatically record the melodies of each Your Sanctuary location as long as you carry it with you. To hear them, touch it to your forehead and gather your thoughts..."

"Buzz Buzz... Don't go!" Ness pleaded.

"No... I'm almost gone... It's already dawn outside... But it doesn't matter to me. I'm fading fast... Farewell... Ness..."  
Buzz Buzz let out one last spark, groan, and gasp before his tiny limbs fell limp, the lights from his body fading to darkness.

Ness just sat there and cried. Cried for possibly the first time in her life. She'd always had to stay strong... But this time, she would let herself cry. Cry for the friend she had only just met, and hadn't had a chance to repay for his protection...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness buried Buzz Buzz in her back yard, in a small grave that she decorated with a bouquet of dandelions, lined with flat stones, and even tied two sticks together to make a marker. On the horizontal stick, she carved the psychic warrior's name with a steak knife. Finding the remains of her hat and bat once more, she placed both on the grave with the dandelions, and rose to stand. Grabbing her long curly locks, Ness brought the steak knife to them and sheared them off. She placed the strands of her prized hair on the grave as well. They would likely blow away with the wind, but the act would honor her fallen friend for all time. Turning to look into the rising sun with renewed resolve, Ness made her way back inside her house. She had some explaining to do to her mother and sister... She'd be gone for a while, after all.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**Author's Notes:**

**1.** I got Onett's pronunciation from an official source.

**2.** I'm using PK instead of PSI, as was originally intended by Nintendo and used in Super Smash Brothers.

**3.** I'm also using Porky instead of Pokey, as this is the proper translation and is used as such in Super Smash Brothers. It also fits with his brother's naming theme.


	2. Chapter 1: Gangs of New Onett

Disclaimer: I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 1:** Gangs of New Onett

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When Ness got home, the first thing she did was assure her worried mother that, despite her singed clothes and short hair, she was unharmed. Then came explaining what she had to do next. Oddly, her mother was okay with letting her eldest daughter leave town for the summer. But then again, Ness' mom was always one to give her daughter freedom. When all was explained and understood, Ness returned to her room, throwing off her slightly burnt clothes and just collapsing on her bed. She was physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. So... Just a quick nap.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

She awoke a few hours later, finding it to only be 11:30 according to her bedside clock. Getting up from bed, Ness stretched, yawned and went to get dressed. After a quick shower, of course.

Stepping out of the shower, she took a look at her nude, soaking wet form in the mirror. She was kind of tall for a girl her age... Five foot six. It gave her legs length in addition to shapeliness. She worked hard to keep them hair-free. Her stomach was nice and flat from all that time spent playing baseball, but then there were her breasts. They had to be at least a DD, and she was only fifteen. Made her hope they didn't grow anymore, but they could be useful against boys. She'd found most boys were more into ass, though, but luckily she had a nice, round, perky one, though she had to admit it wasn't as nice as her legs, and her legs weren't as nice as her breasts.

Her hands were tough and worn from gripping a baseball bat, her feet covered in callouses from running the bases, her nails cracked and jagged from grip slips. She was covered in little scars from various cuts and scrapes suffered during baseball wipeouts. It was about the only thing that kept her legs from being her best feature, as she'd skinned her knee and banged her shin one too many times. At least her thighs were scar-free, though they were a bit meaty for her liking.

Her hair was once long and curly, down to her neck, but since she'd cut it all off in honor of Buzz Buzz and her renewed resolve, it was cut short and boyish, and her normal curls were reduced to more of a bedheaded messiness.

Ness wore no makeup. She just got out of the shower, after all. But she never wore any makeup anyway. It all ended up getting smeared or ruined from the sweat of baseball. She wasn't into that stuff, anyway. Any time she'd worn make up, her mother had applied it for her. She couldn't stand stuff getting near her eyes.

She selected a pair of jean short-shorts that came down to about mid-thigh, which she liked because a surprising amount of men were into legs or ass as opposed to breasts, and these tight shorts accentuated both. She paired it with a deep V-neck belly shirt with horizontal blue and yellow stripes. She liked it because it showed off her impressive cleavage as well as her midriff. On her feet were some white socks and red running sneakers, and finally her yellow backpack. All that was missing was her hat, which was currently reduced to burnt remains and resting on Buzz Buzz's grave. Oh, and her baseball bat. She'd have to pick up another bat at the drug store. Luckily, she knew where to find a replacement hat.

After a breakfast of chocolaty cereal, Ness stepped outside to find, of all people, Picky standing just at the end of her walkway.

"Picky?"

"Hi, Ness." the boy greeted, giving her a wave.

Ness walked up and the two fist-bumped, though Ness was a little confused. "Is something wrong, Picky?"

"Nope. But I'm here to help you out any way I can."

"Huh? But Picky, you aren't one of the chosen four. Buzz Buzz said it himself."

"Yeah, but he also said I'd have my own role to play in this, and that I should take risks. That's why I swiped _this_ from my dad."

Picky held up his hand, and it was only then Ness noticed he had been holding something behind his back.

It was a golf club. And it looked like an expensive one, too.

"You stole from...? Picky, you're a braver kid than I." Ness sighed.

"See? I'm taking risks. Now how about we head into town and do, uh... where were you headed, anyway?"

"There's a 'my sanctuary' or whatever location near town called Giant Step. I'm off to go there and absorb the melody from that location in the Sound Stone."

"Cool. I can help. Let's go."

"Hang on, Pick. I need to grab a new baseball bat from the drug store, then stop by the hideout for a replacement hat."

"Oh. Then what are we waiting for?"

Ness sighed. "Fine. But don't do anything stupid, okay? Risks are one thing. Lack of common sense is another."

"Right. No problem, Nessie."

"Don't call me Nessie."

"Got it, boss."

"Don't call me boss, either."

"Master, then?"

"Just Ness. It's my name, and it's what you've called me all the years I've known you."

"Got it, Ness... You sure we can't use codenames on this mission?"

Ness just sighed, rubbing her temple and turning to walk away. But she stopped, Picky even bumping into her.

"What's the matter, Ness?"

She turned around, tapping her fist into her palm. "Mr. Agerate said he had something to show me, and me alone. You wait here. I'm heading up the mountain to speak to him."

"Oh. Okay."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness knocked on Lier X. Agerate's door, hearing his voice answer 'come in' from inside. She opened the door and walked in, finding the small house seemingly devoid of all life.

"In here. Come into the den."

Shrugging, Ness followed where his voice came from, surprised to see a hole in the wooden floor with a ladder leading down.

"Now, I'm doing this because I trust you." Trust her? They barely knew each other. "First, let's go to the basement." Uh oh... This better not be raping time. "Ah! I can tell by the look on your face you don't want to hang out, do you? That's all right. After all, we are not even related. I know you think I'm a big liar, but maybe I'll surprise you!"

Mr. Agerate climbed down the ladder. With a shrug, Ness climbed down after him, hoping this wouldn't lead to her untimely and mysterious disappearance...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The ladder turned out to lead several yards underground, where it was evident Mr. Agerate had been digging, judging by the shovel and wheelbarrow lying nearby. It was dark, but Mr. Agerate lit two lanterns, handing one to Ness, and led her down the tunnel. He stopped and turned to face her right before a turn.

"...So Ness, buddy, I've found proof of a great treasure... a huge haul..." He laughed. "I'll show you, but you're the only one. C'mon."

Sighing, Ness followed her sort-of-neighbor around the corner, pausing when she saw a faint golden glow at the end of it. When it came within view of Mr. Agerate's and her lantern, Ness could tell it was some sort of human-sized, sparkling golden statue, looking somewhat like a devil standing in an Oscar pose, complete with horns and pointed ears.

"If this is a sign of what lies below, I just need a little time." Mr. Agerate began. "My destiny is to find and dig up the buried treasure. I'll eat garlic and work out to help strengthen myself. Go home now. You're getting in the way of my work. You may start to get greedy thoughts..."

"Uhhh... Sure. See ya, Mr. Agerate."

Ness turned to leave, giving her sort-of-neighbor and the golden devil statue one last look over her shoulder before departing. Ness was generally a fearless person... But that statue gave her the creeps, what with its strange glowing...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness and Picky made their way into town, where the boy insisted on stopping by the library to borrow some maps of the various towns of Eagleland. They also asked around and found out Giant Step was through a cave to the northwest of town. Stopping by the drug store, Ness withdrew some money from the ATM and purchased a new baseball bat, while also meeting an odd dog named Ruffini who seemed to be possessed by some spirit...

Afterwards, Ness went to the Hideout, where one of her friends, the kid with the shaggy black hair, was wandering just outside the woods. Technically, he wasn't a member of their little club yet. As evidenced by the fact that he didn't wear a hat of some sort. So he got guard duty, but long enough at it and he'd become a member.

"Hey, Ness." The boy greeted. "What happened to your hat?"

"Hiya, Sticks. Long story. Is Thimble around?"

"You bet. Whole gang's here. We just finished cleanin' up. Damn Sharks egged the place last night."

"Sorry I didn't arrive sooner to help clean up. Stuff going on. Can I come in?"

"Of course you can. But that guy can't." Sticks gestured to Picky.

"You heard the man. Picky, you'll have to wait out here."

"Awww... Fine."

Walking through the woods, ness found the tree she was looking for, climbing the rope ladder into the small wooden tree house. It really was the perfect hideout. It had a window on each side, a table they had brought in for playing games, old crates to sit on, and a trunk for storing their comics, games, and equipment.

"Hey, Ness." The boy in the black bowler greeted from where he sat at the table, playing cards with the boy with the gray fedora.

"Hiya, guys."

"Hey, Ness." The boy with the fedora began. "I had a dream about you, and you were traveling with a cute girl. If the dream comes true, tell her your old buddy Mouth says hi. After all, I'm single..."

"What, am I not cute enough for ya?" Ness smirked, crossing her arm under her breasts.

"That's different. You're the club's boss. No way any of us are good enough for you."

"Gee, thanks, buddy. I appreciate that."

"No problem. By the way, your hair is short. And you don't have your hat. What happened?"

"Long story. Let's just say I'm going to be leaving town for the summer soon, and I need you guys to take care of the hideout while I'm gone."

"Hey, Ness."

The boy in the red batting helmet walked up, holding out a red baseball cap. "Here's my old baseball cap. I know you've had your eye on it."

Ness smiled, taking it and affixing it on her head. "Thanks, Thimble. I know how much it means to you. Given to you by a famous ball player, right?"

"Yep. You take good care of it, okay?"

"You got it, bro." Ness knocked fists with him before climbing down the ladder to find Picky talking with Sticks about the previous night.

"Ready to go, Pick?" Ness asked as she walked up.

"Aww, I didn't get to hear the rest of the story..." Sticks complained.

"Picky can fill you in later. We need to check out Giant Step."

"Sure. See ya, Ness. See ya, Pick."

"See ya, Sticks."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Heading up the path to the northwest a little, they found a sign board telling them Giant Step was ahead. They walked forward expecting to see a cave entrance, but the path ended at a small shack with a fence on either side of it. A sign to the left told them not to enter, while a sign on the right marked it as the traveling entertainers' shack. Two slightly clowny-looking fellows were hanging around outside, so Ness ran up to talk to them.

"Hey. Is Giant Step around here?" she asked.

"Yep, right on the other side of this shack is a cave that leads right to it. It's on the top of the mountain." the first entertainer explained.

"But the shack was locked by someone from City Hall, so neither you nor we can use it." the other entertainer added.

"Why was it locked?" Ness asked.

"Supposedly a punk named Frank trashed the place. What a drag... We can't even change our clothes, and hotels are expensive."

"Isn't Frank the leader of the Sharks?" Picky asked.

"Yeah. Looks like we'll need to pay city hall a visit if we want the key to this shack."

"First, food, though! I'm hungry, and it's time for lunch." Picky demanded.

Ness sighed. "I had a late breakfast, but I guess we can stop by the burger joint if you're hungry."

"Cool! Thanks!"

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They stopped by the burger shop next to the drug store, but Picky went around the side to where a trash can sat.

"Picky, the food is _inside_ the joint." Ness pointed out.

"I know." Explained Picky as he pulled the lid off the trashcan. "But this place sometimes throws away perfectly good food."

To Ness's disgust, Picky began rooting through the trash can, eventually emerging with a cheeseburger that was still wrapped in paper.

"Yes! Score!" Picky was about to take a bite out of it, but Ness grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"Picky... No. Just... No. That's gross. Put it back."

"Aww, man." Picky whined. "Can't we just put it in your backpack? Maybe we can use it for something later."

"Ugh. Fine. Put it in there. But it better not make my pack smell like garbage."

"Sweet, one burger to go!" Picky exclaimed as he re-wrapped the burger and put it in Ness's backpack.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The duo made their way to City Hall to talk to the mayor about the key to the entertainers' shack. As they walked through the building, they passed by a woman at a desk, who called out to them.

"Wait! That's the stairs to the mayor's office! You need an appointment before you visit. I'm going to have to stop you if you try to see the mayor." she explained.

"Pfft! Just try and stop me, lady." Ness dismissed, trudging up the stairs.

She was approached immediately by a police officer the moment she entered the mayor's office.

"Hey, you're not allowed up here without an appointment!"

"I just need to talk to the mayor real quick. Should only take a second." Ness explained.

"No way! The mayor is busting his ass with all the troubles in town, like the Sharks and the meteorite. Unless you're here to reform the Sharks, scram!"

The officer grabbed Ness roughly by the arm and escorted her downstairs, throwing her out in front of the secretary's desk where Picky waited.

"Look. I told you so..." the secretary pointed out.

Picky helped Ness up. "What should we do now, oh fearless leader?"

"Shut up, Picky. It looks like we'll have to deal with the Sharks."

"I thought you said you weren't the hero type, Ness..."

"I'm not. But this is a means to end. The mayor will owe us a favor, and I'll get payback for the Sharks egging the hideout."

"Cool. Let's do it."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness and Picky found some Sharks who were spraying graffiti on the back of the bakery.

"Hey!" Ness called.

Both turned. "What do you want, sugar tits?" asked one, tossing his can of spray paint up and down in his hand.

"Your boyfriend is awfully short." The other one remarked. "But I guess that makes it easier for him to stare at your huge tits."

Ignoring them, but inwardly seething, she held her baseball bat up so they could see it. "Where's Frank?"

"Our boss? You wanna see our boss?" one of the Sharks asked in disbelief.

"Why? You lookin' to get beat up?" Asked the other, smirking.

"Graaaaahhh!"

Picky jumped forward, beating one in the gut with his nine iron. The Shark bent over from getting the wind knocked out of him, then got the consciousness knocked out of him with a golf swing to his lowered head. Picky turned around to face the other Shark, only for him to spray paint in his face.

"Gaaah! My eyes!" Picky cried, falling to the ground and rubbing his face.

"Hah! Serves you right." The Shark teased.

"_This_ serves _you_ right, then!"

The Shark turned around to see Ness swing her bat at his head, denting and knocking his helmet off. The Shark fell to the ground, unconscious.

Ness ran over to Picky where he writhed on the ground, placing her hands over his face.

"Lifeup Alpha!" she announced, a blue light glowing from her hands as Picky's eyes were healed.

"Whoa." Picky said once he had stopped flailing. "That's pretty awesome. Can you do that to yourself?"

Ness shrugged. "Dunno. Hope I won't have to."

Picky pulled one of the Sharks up, punching him awake. "Where's Frank?" he demanded.

"Why should I tell you...?" the Shark groaned.

"Because if you do, I'll show you my tits." Ness offered with a smirk.

"He's in the back yard of the arcade, thinking about peace and love!" the Shark hurriedly shouted.

"Good. Thanks."

"Do I get to see your tits?"

"Nope. Picky, take care of him."

"Awesome."

Picky punched the Shark in the face once more, throwing his limp body onto the pavement.

"Hey, I got an idea, Ness. The arcade is probably crawling with Sharks. How about we take these guys' uniforms and sneak in?"

"Depends. Can you be subtle for once in your life?"

"You got it, Ness."

"I'm serious. This time, it's about stealth and playing it cool."

"Sure, sure. Now let's go."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Hm... Problem. There were no female Sharks. So Ness would have to hold her backpack up against her body to hide her breasts. Hopefully they wouldn't notice what a shapely ass she had.

"Ugh... This uniform stinks." Picky remarked, adjusting his goggles.

"You think I like this better? This thing clings to me in all the wrong areas. I think I've got cameltoe..."

"Yeah, I know what you mean, I think I've got... Wait, what?"

"Nevermind. Let's just sneak into the arcade."

"Uh... Sure."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Inside, the place was indeed crawling with Sharks. Two of them guarded the door to the fenced-in yard behind the arcade, where Frank supposedly was. Ness and Picky strolled up to the door, trying to act nonchalant.

"...the hell you want?" One of the Sharks asked.

"Just here to deliver some loot to Frank." Ness explained, trying to deepen her voice and showing them the backpack clutched against her chest.

"Oh. Then you'll have to pay a loot tax."

"A what?" Picky asked.

"A loot tax. You know, you gotta give up some of what you got in the pack." The other Shark explained, smirking.

"Uh... Sure. Just keep your hands off the bat."

"Sure thing. I don't even play ball."

The Shark rooted through Ness's backpack a little, making her worry that he would bump against her breasts. His hand soon emerged with the cheeseburger from the trash can outside the burger shop.

"Oh, sweet! Score! Mind if I take this burger off your hands?" he asked.

Ness smirked. "Sure thing! Wasn't hungry anyway."

"Cool. You're free to go in, now."

"Cool. I'll just... take the rest to Frank."

Ness walked through the door, followed closely by Picky. They found a boy about their age with shades and blonde hair styled into a shark fin. He was practicing with his knives, and there was also some sort of machine in the corner behind a tree.

"Hey... Wait a sec, you aren't Sharks." He pointed out.

"Nope." Ness assured him, pulling her backpack onto her back and slipping the mask off. Picky removed his helmet as well.

"Oh, I see. Here to take me down, eh? Lookin' to take over? Well, don't think ol' fail-proof Frank won't go down without a fight."

Frank lunged forward, stabbing with his knife, which Ness jumped to the side to avoid. He pulled another from his jacket, dual-wielding them. Picky jumped forward and attempted to pound down on Frank with his golf club, but the leader of the Sharks jumped back to avoid him and threw his knife at the boy. It stuck Picky in the arm, causing him to cry out in pain, but he still managed to get up and run forward, swinging his nine iron around like wild. Frank jumped back fluidly each time, but eventually the club clipped his arm, making him stop smirking and jump back, rubbing at what would likely be a bruise later.

Ness took this as her chance to attack, and jumped forward for a Ness Home Run. She was stopped with an elbow to the stomach from Frank, then a swipe at her chest with his knife. The blade tore a gash right in her Sharks uniform, exposing her cleavage and parts of her breasts.

"Bastard!" Grunted Ness, reaching up to feel that there was a small bleeding scratch right in the middle of the tear.

"Sorry, didn't mean to damage those melons of yours." Frank smirked, though he was still rubbing his arm from where Picky got him, who was currently kneeling on the ground, a knife dug into his arm.

"I'll show you melons!" Ness screamed, feeling an odd energy well up inside her. With a shove of her hand forward, Frank was... Pushed backwards with surprising force, slamming into the fence and slumping to the ground?

Ness looked at her hand, seeing some kind of purple glow emanating from it. Was that some sort of psychic attack? The name soon entered her head.

"PK Rockin' Alpha?" she called the attack, though unsure.

Frank coughed, looking up at where Ness stood. "Fail-proof Frank can't be beaten." Frank groaned. "Say hellow to Frankystein Mark Two!"

The machine behind the tree started up, emitting puffs of steam as it rolled up on its treads. The flag attached to the back of its head billowed in the breeze. Ness looked in awe as the robot wheeled up to her and swung its arms at her, beating her several times in the gut, then punching her in the jaw. Ness fell to the ground, rubbing her sore jaw.

"Dammit!"

Grabbing her bat, Ness got up and ran forward, striking the robot in the side with her weapon. She saw it had very little effect, only making the robot rattle and loosening some bolts.

"Graaaaahhh!"

Picky jumped and landed on the robot's back, hands gripping its head. The robot began flailing about, its stiff arms unable to reach the boy clinging to its back.

"Ness! Use that power again!"

"Uhhh..." Ness held out her hands, trying to focus. "PK... Rockin' Alpha!" she called, summoning all her energy as she sent a psychic shockwave forward, breaking several pieces off the robot and sending Picky flying. The robot sparked, clearly malfunctioning. Grabbing her bat, Ness ran forward, readying for a swing and bashing her bat into the robot's head. "Ness Home Run!" she cried, smashing the robot's head to pieces.

The robot sparked and whirred a bit more before steam poured forth from every part of it, its arms falling limp as it broke down.

Frank's face fell as he saw his robot beaten. "...This is my first defeat. Fail-proof Frank is now just failure Frank." He admitted.

Ness said nothing, walking over to Picky and pulled the knife from his arm, making the boy wince. She brought her hands over the wound and began to heal it, though it was going to be a challenge.

"So... You some kind of psychic, or something, sugar tits?"

Ness ignored him, focusing on healing Picky's wound.

"Look... I know you've been asking around, so I'll tell you about Giant Step. It... seems... to be quite a powerful spot. Some kind of special power is stored there that allows certain people to perform wondrous feats. However... a monster sucked up all the energy at that spot. It's difficult to get to Giant Step. That's all I know... I suggest you collect more information on your own. The entrance to the path leading to Giant Step is behind the touring entertainers' shack. Pirkle, the mayor of Onett, has a key to the shack."

Picky healed, Ness got up and walked over to Frank, healing him as well.

"Whoa... This is weird. Bein' helped by the babe who just kicked my ass... Ness, baby... You've become stronger than I. Something tells me your adventure is just beginning..."

Ness smiled, standing and pickup up her baseball bat. "You have to promise not to make trouble for the town anymore." She smirked. "That's my job." She turned to walk away, but stopped when she heard Frank's voice.

"Heh... Hey, babe... Take this."

Frank tossed something to her, which she caught and took a look at. It looked like a bowie knife. She pulled it from its sheath to see that it had an engraving on the blade.

"Honor?"

"It's what I live by, Ness, baby. And you've proven you have more of that than me."

Ness smiled, slipping the knife into her backpack and going on her way. "C'mon, Picky."

"Sure thing, Ness!" Picky agreed, going after her.

Frank got up, taking a look at his trashed abomination of a machine. He'd have to disband the gang now... But truth was, he had built the Frankystein Mark Two himself. Maybe it was time to use his skills for good instead of making trouble...


	3. Chapter 2: Law and Order

Disclaimer: I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 2:** Law and Order

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"You must be Ness. We've been waiting for you."

Those words from Mayor Pirkle's secretary confused the teenaged girl. "Waiting for me?"

"Oh, yes. Since you beat up the Sharks, you've been the talk of the town."

"But we only did it an hour ago."

"I know. But word travels fast in this small town."

"I coulda told ya that." Picky interjected.

Ness just sighed, rubbing her brow. "Can we see the mayor now?"

"Of course. Like I said, we've been waiting for you. He even cleared up his afternoon schedule so you could have his full attention."

Ugh... Ness hated this hero treatment. She was a rebel, not a hero. Last thing she wanted was people to be talking about all her good deeds and giving her special treatment for them. It'd ruin the reputation she'd worked so hard for.

Ness and Picky walked upstairs, soon approached by the police officer who had thrown Ness out originally.

"Thank you so much for all of your help..." he began, his attitude a complete one-eighty from before. "I can imagine the headlines right now. Local punk saves town from street gang! Sharks disbanded thanks to Ness... Ness... Uh, what _is_ your last name, anyway?"

"Nunya. As in nunya business. Now can I talk to the damn mayor now?"

"Right to business! Spoken like a true hero!"

Ugh... Ness sincerely hoped this wouldn't become a regular thing during her travels.

Stepping up in front of the mayor's desk, she held her baseball bat over her shoulder and put her hand on her hip, ready to listen to what the mayor had to say. Picky hung to the side and sat on a nearby couch, giving his golf club a look-over. Likely worried it had been damaged during the fight with Frank.

"Hey hey hey!" the mayor greeted. "I'm Mayor G.H. Pirkle. It's so nice to meet you. You beat up the town bullies, punched them out big time, kicked their butts, bit their heads off, spit in their eyes, and made them wet their pants. Then you forced them to promise not to make any more trouble. Thank you!"

"Whatever, dude. Just gimme the key to the touring entertainers' shack and we'll call it even."

"Really, that's all you want? Well, for someone as great as you, giving you the key could help keep the town peaceful." Ugh... She'd have to go mail box smashing so she could undo at least _some_ of this good reputation. "However, if you encounter a dangerous situation, please don't ask me to take any responsibility. I'll be able to avoid any responsibility, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just gimme the damn key already."

"You're such a smart kid... Here's the key to the shack."

Ness was approached by a short balding man, who handed her a key with a tag that read 'entertainers' shack.' "In the next election, please give a speech supporting Mayor Pirkle. Hee hee hee."

Ugh. Politics. Sighing, Ness took the key and walked off, not even bothering to check if Picky was following her.

"Hey, do I get anything?" Picky asked as he stood up.

"And what did you do, young man?" the police officer asked.

"I was Ness's faithful partner throughout all this!"

"Oh. Here's thirty cents and a bus token, then."

"Thirty cents and a bus token? Thirty cents and a bus token?!... Cool! Thanks."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Hey, you two!"

The traveling entertainers looked up from where they sat when Ness and Picky walked up. Ness tossed something to one of them something, which he caught.

"That the key?" she asked.

"You bet! Thanks!"

The clowny fellow walked over to the door and unlocked it.

"All right! Thanks." He reached into his pocket, tossing Ness some sort of tag with foreign characters on it attached to a string of beads.

"What's this?"

"Travel charm. Trinket for good luck. You can attach it to your backpack as a keychain."

"Oh. Thanks. Not really into that kind of stuff, but thanks."

"No problem. And you never know. It might just save your life."

"Yeah, sure..."

The clowny fellow just smiled.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Sure enough, the shack was kinda busted up. The mattress was torn open, chairs were overturned, and a nearby wardrobe had been knocked over. There was also a big hole in the wall, which Ness and Picky climbed through to find themselves at the cave to Giant Step.

They were jumped by a mouse immediately, who jumped and bit onto Ness's hand, not letting go. With a flick of her finger, it went flying into a wall with a very small PK Rockin', landing hard on the ground and crawling into a nearby hole.

Ness winced. "That really hurt. I think that mouse must've really gotten a lucky shot in."

With her other hand, she used Lifeup to heal the bite.

"Yeah, we should be careful. Probably a lot of hostile animals around here. Mice are probably just the beginning." Picky agreed, gripping his golf club.

Aside from mice who seemed to get lucky shots in a lot, they also ran into slugs who seemed like they could use psychic attacks, but just couldn't concentrate enough. By the time a particularly slippery one did manage to focus, he put Picky right to sleep. Ness smashed the slug with her bat and woke Picky up so they could continue.

The real trouble was these weird black... antoid things, or something. They could heal each other with Lifeup Alpha, and packed a surprising punch when they lunged at her. A single swing of her bat wouldn't do them in, either. They just got back up until she bashed them a second time. Picky was a big help, though.

They ended up climbing several ropes before they came across the exit, but it was blocked by some kind of... giant ant, or something. The giant ant gave a screech, lunging for them, letting Ness and Picky know that, like everything else in this cave, it wasn't friendly.

Picky jumped out of the way and bashed the giant ant on the back with his golf club. The ant screeched in pain, but a nearby black antoid used Lifeup Alpha to heal it.

"Ness! Take down his fan club! I'll keep him busy!"

Ness nodded, bringing her hands to her forehead and focusing.

"PK... Rockin' Alpha!"

A psychokinetic shockwave went flying forward from Ness's mind, hitting not only the two black antoids and sending them flying against the wall, but causing the giant ant to fall down, screeching in pain. Picky jumped onto it and began beating it with his golf club, but the ant pulled its head off the ground and bit onto the boy's arm.

"Oww!" cried Picky.

"I've got him!"

Ness tried to launch another PK Rockin', but found she couldn't! It was almost like she didn't have enough mental energy to do it, or something. Shrugging and grabbing her bat, Ness ran forward and jumped, bringing her weapon down on the giant ant's head. The beast let go of Picky's arm, flailing its own four arms around. Ness ran over and used Lifeup Alpha to heal Picky's arm. When she looked up, the giant ant was running around and ramming into walls.

"What's going on?" Ness asked aloud.

"I think you hurt its antennas when you hit it on the head. It's starting to, I don't know, frenzy or something..."

The pounding on the cave walls was making rocks fall loose from the walls and ceiling... If it continued, it might cause a cave-in.

"Picky, let's both jump for it at the same time! Swing with all your might!"

"You mean my very own Ness Home Run?"

"No. More like... a Picky Hole in One."

"Aw, that's nowhere near as catchy."

"Just shut up and follow my lead!"

Getting up and gripping her bat, Ness ran forward, bringing it up over her shoulder as she ran. Picky was right beside her, his nine iron ready.

"Ness..."

"Picky..."

"Home Run!"

"Hole in One!"

Both attacks struck the giant ant in the head at once, bursting it open and causing bug guts to spew out. Picky and Ness jumped out of the way as the beast fell to the ground, dead.

Sighing, Ness fell on her ass, breathing heavily. Well... That wasn't easy. Baseball had prepared her for all this physical activity, but that was nothing like baseball. The teenaged girl fell onto her back, her arms outstretched as she stared at the cave ceiling. Whew... She was tired. Mentally and physically. From the feel of it, she didn't have enough mental energy for a second full-power PK Rockin' Alpha. At least, not after all the little ones she did to some of the enemies in the cave. But it seemed she had enough for at least one Lifeup Alpha to heal Picky's arm.

As Ness stared at the cave ceiling and just basked in her victory, Picky walked into her field of view, offering her a hand to help her up. Smirking, Ness took it, allowing the shorter boy to pull her to her to her feet.

"After healing you so many times, the least you can do is help me up. So... Thanks, Pick."

"Hey, I've been injured a lot of times for you, so I'd consider the healing even. That's actually pretty sweet. Wish I was psychic."

"Picky..." Ness put her hand on his shoulder. "You don't need psychic powers. For a kid your size, you've shown bravery, resourcefulness, and cunning."

"Really? That's high praise comin' from you, Ness."

"Then this'll be even higher praise."

Ness leaned in and gave Picky a quick peck on the cheek. "That's my thanks for all your help so far."

"Whoa... Uh..."

Ness paused... He looked a little... uncomfortable? "What's wrong?"

"Well, it's just... I've never really thought of you as a girl before now, so... It was just kinda weird."

"What? These tits and you seriously have trouble seeing me as a girl?"

"Well, you're just really... Uh... Unfeminine, I guess."

"Tch. Whatever. Let's just go record this Giant Step sound in Buzz Buzz's Sound Stone. Last time I try to reward a friend in a way only a girl can. Christ!"

Ness walked off out of the cave, leaving Picky to smile and run after her. She may have had a serious tomboy... but deep down, she was a girl.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Sure enough, the moment they left the cave, they found a crater that looked very much like a giant foot print. Ness walked up to it, feeling oddly at peace in this location. She kneeled down in front of the foot print, feeling the dirt in the hole. She heard a melody enter her head, reaching into her backpack to find the Sound Stone glowing. Next, she saw a vision of a small, cute white puppy, but just for a second, and found herself fully healed. All her weariness, her mental and physical exhaustion, gone. This truly was... Her Sanctuary.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The minute they left the cave to Giant Step, a police officer was found waiting for them.

"Hey, you two! The board says 'Do Not Enter.' Couldn't you read it?" he asked.

"Well, duh, I could read it."

"So you just didn't want to listen to the sign, huh, kid... Get yer ass to the Onett Police Station later!"

The police officer left, heading through the hole in the shack and out the door.

"Pfft! Yeah, right. Like I'd head for the police station." Ness dismissed, though Picky looked a little worried.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

As Ness and Picky went to the south of town, to the road to Twoson, they found the road completely closed off. A man in a blue suit and hat was nearby, so Ness ran up to see if he knew what was going on.

"Hey! Old man! What's going on?"

"Oh, oh... The road's just closed again. It's Onett's claim to fame! If you want more information, I suggest talking to the officers yourself."

Sighing, Ness stomped up to the two police officers in front of the road blocks.

"Sorry, kid. The road to Twoson is closed."

"Yeah, but why?" Ness demanded.

"You probably don't know this, but the roads between Twoson, Threed, and Fourside are nice and paved with bus routes between them. And you may have noticed that there's only a dirt path between Onett and Twoson. The road between the two towns is in early planning stages for road construction."

"If it's in early planning stages, why is it closed right now?"

"Kid, you act like you haven't lived in this town your whole life."

"He's got a point, Ness." Picky interjected. "Onett is famous for its roadblocks. We use them any chance we get for any reason we can."

"Damn right." The officer agreed, crossing his arms and nodding.

"C'mon, can't you just let me through?" Ness pleaded.

"Sorry, but I'd need Chief Strong's permission before I let anyone through."

Seething, Ness turned and walked off, Picky in tow.

"Where are we going, Ness?" the boy asked.

"Looks like we'll have to pay the police station a visit. Shit..."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness stormed into the police station, finding the same cop who talked to her outside the cave to Giant Step talking with Chief Strong. He turned around when he heard the door slam.

"So here you are." he began, crossing his arms. "You're the little delinquent that came back from Giant Step! Now you listen here... 'Don't Enter' means just that... DO NOT ENTER! You got that?"

"Save it!" Ness hissed, silencing him. "Chief Strong! I need you to open the goddamn road to Twoson for me!"

"Kid, the road is closed for a reason. At times like this, kids like you should be playing Nintendo games."

"I don't care! I need to get to Twoson, old man!"

"Hm. You have spunk." Chief Strong chortled. "I like that. Follow me."

Shrugging, Ness followed Chief Strong into the back, Picky in tow, walking past the jail rooms and into a large room that looked a little like a dance studio, where five police officers were waiting.

"Is this a sting, or somethin'?" Ness asked at seeing all the cops in one place.

"Heh. Nope. Show me what you got..." Chief Strong began. "See if you can get past five of my best men..."

The police officers spread out across the room, Picky getting closer to Ness as he readied his golf club. "You're going to attack a bunch of kids?" Picky exclaimed.

"Relax." Chief Strong assured him. "They won't even be using batons. Just their bare hands."

"Eeeeeyaaaah!" shouted one of the cops, jumping forward. "Hey, small fry! You must be shaking in your boots! Get ready!"

The cop lunged forward, readying a karate chop.

"Ready, Picky?"

"Born ready, Ness."

Ness and Picky leaned to opposite sides to avoid the karate chop, then thrust both their weapons in on the cop's head in perfect unison. He stumbled back, rubbing his sore jaw. The police officer jumped forward for a downward fist pound, but Ness ducked under his strike, Picky jumping off her back to bash the officer in the head with his golf club.

The cop fell back, rubbing his head. "You're tough. You should join the police force!" he said, turning and running out the door.

The next officer walked up. "Your average policeman is stronger than Superman!" he announced, bringing his fist forward for a punch. Ness brought her bat up to block it, his strike causing a tremor in her weapon's wooden frame. If these cops were this strong, she couldn't risk getting hit once.

Picky snuck up behind the officer and jumped, bashing him on the back of the head with his golf club. When the police officer stumbled forward, Ness thrust the handle end of her bat into his stomach, making him double over.

"Oh... you won..." he said, turning and running out the door.

The third officer walked up. "Don't let the mayor's compliments give you a big head... Bring it on, you overdeveloped punk-ass!"

This officer seemed to fancy kicks, and promptly kicked Picky in the stomach. Picky managed to withstand the blow and even grab onto the officer's leg, while Ness ran up and smashed her bat into his head. Stumbling back, the officer rubbed the bump on his head.

"Let's do this again sometime... Next time, I'll take you out with my nuclear suplex attack!" he said with a smirk, turning to run out the door."

The fourth officer walked up. "C'mon! I'm going to take you apart right here, right now, baby!"

The officer jumped forward and, to Ness's shock, performed a flip kick, striking her in the chin. Ness stumbled back, rubbing her sore jaw and lunging forward for a counterattack with her bat, but this cop rolled out of the way fluidly... Right into a downward strike from Picky's nine iron, hitting his shoulder.

"Ow!"

Ness ran forward and jumped to nail the cop in the stomach with a kick, knocking the wind out of him.

"Grr... I lost..." he growled, getting up and running out the door."

The fifth officer walked up next. "That's it, girly..." Ness readied herself. "You can forget about me, I'm going to call for my boss!"

He turned and ran out the door.

"Did we win?" Picky asked, panting.

Chief Strong walked up, slowly, his hands clasped behind his back. "Not yet. There's no way I can beat you in a straight competition, so... Get ready for my 'Super Ultra Mambo Sambo martial arts!'"

Chief Strong spun forward, bringing out his arms as he swung his fists into Ness's face. Ness was floored, her nose bleeding.

"Ugh... Lifeup Alpha..." she groaned, bringing her hand up and healing her nose.

"Graaaaah!" Picky jumped forward, bringing his golf club down on Chief Strong's back, but the police chief turned around and grabbed the weapon in mid-strike, catching Picky's blow. He yanked the weapon from the boy's arms, bending it and tossing it aside.

"Crap..." Picky cursed. "My dad's gonna kill me..."

Ness stood, bringing her hands to her temples and focusing with all her might. This guy was too good. She'd have to use it.

"PK... Rockin' Alpha!" she announced, sending a psychokinetic shockwave outward that knocked Captain Strong off his feet. It looked like he'd fall on his back, but he caught himself on the palm of his hand, flipping and landing on one knee, though he was visibly planting.

Dammit! This guy was good. She looked to see Picky jump on his back, wrapping his arms around his neck while Chief Strong tried to get him off.

"Ness! Hurry!"

Ness readied her baseball bat, running forward and screaming. "Ness Home Run!"

With all her might, she swung her bat at the police chief's head, but the police chief ducked, and the weapon hit Picky instead. The force sent Picky flying into the wall, hitting it hard and falling to the floor.

"Picky! I'm so sorry!" Ness cried at her fallen friend.

"Just... Beat this guy for me!" the boy groaned.

Chief Strong calmly walked closer to her, his hands clasped behind his back. She had to find something she could use to her advantage! But the room was so empty... She needed something, anything...

Her eyes spotted Picky's bent golf club on the floor. Reaching her hand out, she used her telekinesis to lift it into the air, sending it flying toward her, and right into the back of Chief Strong's head with great force. The police chief's hat and sunglasses fell off from the force, and Ness took this chance to thrust her bat into his stomach, then bring her foot up to kick him where it hurts.

That did it. Chief Strong fell to his knees, clutching his family jewels.

"Ugh..." he groaned. "I didn't think you would do so well against the mighty Onett police force..."

Ness ignored him, running over to Picky and used Lifeup Alpha to heal his bleeding head.

"Ohhhhhh..." the police chief groaned. "You want me to open the road to Twoson?"

Ness just focused on healing Picky, but she at least said "That's what I'm here for, old man."

"Ugh..." Chief Strong stood, adjusting his clothes. "Hang on for a sec, I'll radio my staff and give them the word..." The police chief reached into his jacket and pulled out a walkie-talkie, which he turned on and brought to his ear.

"Strong here... Do you read me?" Static answered. "Hey! It's me, Captain Strong! Okay, listen, a kid named Ness will be there sometime... She's a kid in a red cap... I want you to open the road to Twoson for her... I know that... I know that!... Don't ask me why, just do it! That's an order! ...Strong out..."

He put the walkie-talkie back in his jacket pocket, turning to where Ness was still healing Picky.

"Well kid, I'm not going to question you now, but I do want to see you again... Good luck!"

Ness stood, helping Picky up.

"Thanks, Captain Strong. Hopefully beating up the police force will fix the good reputation I just got." She said with a smirk, turning and walking out, Picky in tow.

Captain Strong chortled to himself, turning and going to get some ice for his genitals. She really would make a good Onett police officer... But he could tell she had her own destiny to fulfill. After he got some ice, he'd go back to playing EarthBound... It was difficult to play, but it was a good game.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

As Ness and Picky left the police station, Picky turned to Ness.

"Well, this is where we part ways."

"You're not coming to Twoson with me, Pick?"

"Nope. My parents would never let me leave town, and would kill me if I snuck out for the summer. Besides, I'm not one of the chosen four. Buzz Buzz said so himself. But he also said I'd have my own role to play in this. I fulfilled that role, if you ask me, and now I can stay and protect Onett while you're gone."

Ness turned, smiling at Picky, who brought his hand up to knock fists with her. Ness shook her head, leaning in to hug the boy.

"You're a very brave, smart, resourceful boy, Picky. I wouldn't trust anyone else to watch the town while I'm gone."

Picky smiled and hugged Ness back. "Say... How about you walk me home? You can spend one last night in your house. Maybe invite me over for some of your mom's potato skins?"

"What about Porky?"

"He hates potato skins. About the only food he doesn't like."

Ness smiled. "I'd love to have you over for dinner, Picky."

"Cool. Thanks... Nessie."

Ness released her hug and smirked. "Ya know... I might just let you be the only one who's allowed to call me Nessie..."

"Really?"

"...someday."

"Ouch. Wow, that's mean."

Ness just stuck her tongue out at him.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"..."

"Ness?"

"...Ness..."

"Ness..."

"I'm a friend who you have never met before... My name is Paula."

"Can you hear me calling you? I am Paula..."

"..."

"..."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness awoke from a strange dream. It was almost like someone was communicating with her in her sleep... But who? It sounded like a girl... and she said her name was Paula? Her voice, though... It was so soft and sweet. And she sounded a little scared, too...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness's mother packed her a picnic lunch to take with her in case she got hungry walking to Twoson. Ness also stopped by the drug store and picked up some provisions. Namely, some beef jerky, a calorie stick, a protein drink, a bottle of water, and a can of fruit juice. She'd found food and drinks tended to help restore a bit of her mental energy as well as her bodily stamina, so she'd have to be prepared for having to use her powers on enemies on the road. The path between Onett and Twoson was a dangerous one... It wasn't like the cleanly paved roads between Twoson, Threed, and Fourside. She'd likely have to do some fighting...

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

She walked down the road to see two police officers standing near some moved road blocks.

"Hey, aren't you Ness?" one asked.

"Depends who's askin'." Ness replied.

"Well, I got the okay from Chief Strong to let you through. Take care of yourself."

"Thanks, I guess."

And with that, Ness was off on her way to Twoson. She was leaving town for the first time... Her adventure had just begun.


	4. Chapter 3: Pizza and Mushrooms

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 3:** Pizza and Mushrooms

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The road to Twoson was a fairly short one, though wrought with danger. She was attacked by odd walking mushrooms. A single swing of her bat, and they stopped moving, but they were still annoying.

Stepping out of the woods, Ness found herself in front of a sign welcoming her to Twoson. She was also greeted by a blonde lady in a pink dress.

"Welcome!" the lady began. "Would you like me to tell you about Twoson?"

"Uh... Sure. Knock yourself out."

"Twoson has a modern, clean hotel. There is a hospital and the wonderful Chaos Theater. There is the Polestar preschool, and a nice bus station. If you're curious, you might want to check out Burglin Park. It's exciting. East of the town, you find Peaceful Rest Valley. On the other side of the valley is Happy-Happy Village. There's also a pizza parlor. Do you want to know anything else?"

"Uh... No, that's okay." Only part of that she heard was 'pizza parlor.' Goddamn, she was hungry...

"Well, tee hee, I don't know anything else."

Wow. Welcomed to town by the local overly-perky weirdo.

"I can tell you're young, but have had some adventures. I think Paula at Polestar preschool would be a good friend for you."

Paula? That name sounded familiar... But she knew better than to trust a lady with nothing better to do than welcome people to town. Shrugging her backpack over her shoulder, Ness walked past her and into town. First stop, she needed a slice of pizza. They had a pizza parlor in Onett, but it wasn't open yet. What she'd give for a good slice of pepperoni...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

As she walked down the street, Ness saw a line in front of a building. Walking up, she tapped the guy at the end of the line on the shoulder. "Hey. Any idea where the pizza joint is?"

"Who cares? I just wanna get a ticket to the Runaway Five show!"

What. "Who?"

"The Runaway Five! They're the biggest blues band around!"

Hm... Musicians meant starving artists. Which meant they probably knew where the pizza joint was. "Where can I find them?"

"I think two of them are just around the corner, by their tour bus."

"Okay... Why aren't fans flocking around them if they're so popular?"

"Because shut up."

Ignoring the guy, Ness walked around the corner, finding two people in black suits and hats leaning against a really beat-up tour bus.

"Hey. You two members of the Runaway Five?" she asked them.

"You got that right, kid." the shorter and fatter one assured her.

"Know where the pizza parlor is?"

"Not really. We don't have the money to go eat out on the town."

"What? But aren't you musicians? Shouldn't you be rollin' in the dough?"

"We're popular, but not rich. We're bein' cheated by this theater, and we're really deep in debt!"

"And we may be popular, but that girl who lives at the house with the preschool is the talk of the town." the taller, skinnier one added. "I wanna see her someday."

"Interesting. But not relevant to my interests. See ya."

Hm... The Runaway Five wanted to meet that girl from the preschool. Somehow, that stuck out in her mind, despite her focus on pizza for the moment.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

A dog ran up to Ness as she walked down the street, barking.

"Whoa, calm down, boy. Tell me what's wrong." She assured the white pooch. For some reasons, animals usually could tell she could understand them.

("There was a kidnapping! Believe me, even though I'm just a dog! Woof!") the dog cried.

("Ugh. Not my problem, dog. But just out of curiosity, who was kidnapped?")

("That girl, Paula, from Polestar preschool!")

There was Paula's name again. And it seemed she was also the girl from the preschool who the Runaway Five wanted to meet. Call it precognition, but she was starting to foresee a visit to Polestar preschool in her future...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Just down the street, she saw two blonde girls chatting by the side of the road. Ugh... She'd regret this, but maybe they knew where the pizza parlor was.

"Hey, you two."

They turned to look at her, giving her an up and down and turning to giggle to each other.

"Nice legs. Scarred enough for you?" one asked.

Ugh... This was why all her friends were boys. She hated other girls. "Just tell me where the pizza joint is, and I'll get out of your face, okay?"

"Just down the street. While you're there, pick some up for Apple Kid."

"Who?"

"Apple Kid. One of two inventors who live in this town."

"Who's the other?"

"Orange Kid. And he's super hot!"

Ugh... Another reason she hated girls her age. "And why should I bring some food to Apple Kid?"

"Because he always begs me for something to eat. He's the inventor, he should invent some food for himself!"

Hm... Inventor, huh? Maybe if she brought him some food, she could get some cool stuff from him.

"Thanks, ladies. You've been helpful."

"Any time, scarry legs."

Yep... She hated girls her age.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness found the pizza parlor, and promptly picked up two slices of pepperoni, asking that one be wrapped. Apple Kid and Orange Kid's houses were easy to find, due to the signs just outside each house, and they were right next door. If Orange Kid was supposedly the better inventor, maybe it would help to get in his good graces, too.

So, knocking on Orange Kid's door, she heard a 'come in' from inside, and walked in to find a very well-maintained house and a very clean-cut boy with glasses.

"Greetings. I'm Orange Kid."

"Heard you're an inventor, Orange Kid."

"Oh, you've heard of me? I'm a bit embarrassed about my reputation. I have a lot of inventions in development, but I'm running short of cash. I'm basically a happy-go-lucky person, so I'm not worried."

Ness crossed her arms under her breasts. "Uh-huh. Got anything that might be useful, buddy?"

"Funny you should ask. I'm working on this machine that would really help you. I just hope it's ready soon... Would you be willing to help finance the project?"

"Uh... Sure, I guess. How much do you need?"

"Oh, goody! Would it be okay to get two hundred dollars to buy materials?"

Ooo... That was about a third of what she had on her right now. But if this guy was the great inventor all the teenyboppers said he was, she'd fork it over. So, reaching into a pouch on her backpack, she pulled out her wallet and paid the boy. "Here ya go."

"Thank you very much! Your support should have a tremendous impact on all mankind." Mankind? She just cared about something to help herself. "Let me give you my new 'Super Orange Machine.' I call it 'Suporma' for short." Orange Kid got up off his couch and walked into another room, returning with some chair-sized device with a turn crank. "Please use it for spreading peace and goodwill on Earth."

"What's it do?"

"Give the crank a turn, and you'll see!"

Shrugging, Ness turned the crank, hearing a song emerge from the nozzle of the device. After the song was finished, the machine promptly emitted puffs of smoke and fell to pieces.

"What the hell was that?" Ness asked the kid inventor.

"'Ode to Orange Kid.' A song of my own creation! Neat, huh?"

"Uhhhh... I better go."

"Sure. See ya."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

She got the hell out of that house fast. She could only hope his reputation with the girls matched his skills in inventing.

Next door was Apple Kid's house, and she walked in to find it a total mess. Old cheeseburger wrappers and pizza boxes were everywhere, there was a mouse scurrying about, and some fat kid was tinkering with some kind of little device with a screwdriver from a tool box.

The mouse scurried up to Ness, but then it stopped and stood on two legs, looking up at her with big, cute eyes. It was then she realized, Apple Kid didn't have an infestation... It was his pet.

"Reaching into her bag, Ness broke off a little piece from a stick of beef jerky and handed it to the rodent.

("Got a name, little guy?")

The mouse took the piece and nibbled on it, looking up after it heard Ness's words in its mind.

("I guess my master hasn't given me one yet. I'm just a mouse, after all.")

Hm... Probably one of the few things about Ness that was close to feminine was... She had a soft spot for cute animals. And a pet mouse with no name? That wasn't right. She'd have to have a few words with Apple Kid.

("Um... Miss? Your backpack smells like pizza... Could you please give a slice to my master? I can hear his stomach growling.")

Shit... Little guy didn't even have a name, and he was so concerned for his master. That just pissed Ness off.

("Sure thing, little guy. How'd you like me to give you a name?")

("No thanks. I want my master to name me himself. It would make it more special to me.")

Crap... This little guy just tugged on Ness's heartstrings, didn't he?

So, standing up straight and walking up to where the fat lard tinkered with his little machine, Ness stood there, but he didn't seem to notice her. She cleared her throat, and he looked up then.

"You do realize this place is a pigsty, right?"

"Well, I _have_ sort of neglected doing my housework... I know it's a bit of a mess, but anyway... I'm Apple Kid. I haven't taken a bath in quite a while, so I may be kind of stinky."

"I'll say."

"By the way, I'm starving. Do you have something to eat?"

Ness slipped her backpack off, removing the wrapped slice of pizza. "Got a nice slice of pizza for you right here."

"Really? Thanks so much!" The kid eagerly grabbed the slice of pizza and tore the wrapping off, hungrily devouring it. "Oh... That was good. Thanks. You seem very nice." Not really, but she knew when to be nice to get what she wanted. "Uh, I wonder if... Maybe you would like to invest some money in my inventions?"

Ugh. Food _and_ money? This better be worth it. "Sure."

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh. Excuse me. I mean thank you! About two hundred dollars should help."

Sighing, Ness reached into her backpack and pulled out her wallet, handing him the money.

"Thank you. I won't let you down."

"Cool. Now... Clean up around here, take a bath, and give your mouse a name, okay?"

"Uh... Sure. Thanks again."

Ness turned to leave, Apple Kid's mouse walking up carrying something.

("You took care of my master. In return, I want to give you this. Please take it and say nothing.")

Ness took the little device from the mouse, finding it was some kind of phone.

("What's this?")

("Receiver phone. Receives calls wirelessly. Should be very useful for you.")

("Gee, thanks. Way better than what I got from Orange Kid.")

("Glad you like it. My master will call you on it when his next invention is ready. I promise.")

("Sure. Take care, little guy.")

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness walked into Polestar preschool to find a bunch of little tykes swarm her the minute she walked in. Ugh. She hated kids. Rabid little monsters.

"Ah! Get away, you brats!" Ness cried in alarm.

"Okay, okay. Leave our guest alone." a woman's voice said, causing the preschoolers to scatter.

A blonde woman walked up, wearing an apron and covered in finger paints. "Hi. I'm Ms. Polestar. You are?"

"No one important. Just heard a lot about this place." Ness explained, crossing her arms under her breasts.

"Oh, well I'm a little busy taking care of these kids, but if you want to see Paula, she should be up in her room. I'm sure my husband can help you."

"Thanks." Wasn't she kidnapped, though?

Walking past the woman, Ness entered the part of the house used for the Polestar family, finding a blonde man with a mustache sitting at the table. He got up to approach her.

"Hi. Mr. Polestar. You are?"

"New around here. Hoping to meet the talk of the town."

"Oh, you wanna see Paula? Many come here to see her miraculous powers, but they're just leeches. So... are you from a TV station, or what?"

"No. But if her miraculous powers are what I think they are, I was hoping to show her mine as well."

"Hm... To meet you or not to meet you can only be decided by Paula. And Paula said that she would only meet with a girl named Ness."

"I'm Ness."

"Oh, so you're Ness? You're the one that was in Paula's dream. You will save the world! Let me go call Paula."

The man left, heading upstairs. Huh? She was in Paula's dream? Did that mean... The Paula she heard speaking to her in her dreams was one of the chosen four as well? Hm... Ness didn't have much of a track record with girls her age, but hopefully Paula would be different.

Mr. Polestar ran down a few moments later, looking perplexed. "She doesn't seem to be here. I wonder where she went? I'm sorry, could you come back later?"

"Ugh. Fine. Bye."

Returning to the preschool part of the house, Ness walked up to Ms. Polestar. "Paula doesn't seem to be home. You seen her anywhere?"

"Nope. But you shouldn't worry about Paula. She has a guardian angel, it seems."

Yeah. Right. Signing, Ness left, deciding she'd go stay at the hotel for the night. It was getting late...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"..."

"Ness!"

"I... Paula..."

"I am Paula..."

"Can you hear me calling you? Help! Come and help me! Um, I don't know where I am... I can hear water running in the distance..."

"Ness, please help me!"

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness awoke with another message from Paula. It seemed she really _had_ been kidnapped like that dog said. Exiting the hotel, she saw Mr. Polestar run by.

"P-P-Paula! Where are you?! It's time for a yummy piece of pie!" he shouted as he ran.

Ness sighed, heading down the street back to Polestar preschool. She found Mr. Polestar standing outside.

"P-P-Paula's not home yet." He told her. "Everdred in Burglin Park might know something. Oh, boy! Now I'm really worried."

Hm... Okay. Burglin Park it was. Ness made her way down the street to Burglin Park.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Stepping up to the entrance to Burglin Park, Ness was greeted by a man in a blue suit and hat.

"Welcome to Burglin Park!"

"You seen Everdred around here?" Ness asked him.

"Yeah. He's the boss of Burglin Park. He's got ties to burglaries and kidnappings in this area. He's a scary guy. But he's the reason we don't have to bribe any crooked cops."

"Okay. Is he here?"

"Yep. Should be at his house."

"Thanks."

It seemed Burglin Park was set up as some kind of market. She walked through it, ignoring anyone who asked if she wanted to buy something. Ahead was a small house... with a man on the roof. When she approached, he jumped off, landing on the ground and running over to her.

"Wah ha ha ha ha! Why don't we chat later... After we've locked horns!"

Uh-oh. Ness jumped out of the way as the mustached man threw a punch at her, bringing up her baseball bat and thrusting it at the man's stomach. To her surprise, he bit her! He bit her right on the arm!

"Ack!" Ness cried, shaking him off. She took a look at the wound. It was definitely bleeding.

"That's it, you're gonna get it! PK Rockin Alpha!"

Ness sent a psychokinetic shockwave forward, knocking Everdred into the wall of his house. He caught himself as he fell, landing on one knee and panting.

"Pretty good, kid!" he said between pants.

"Are you Everdred?" Ness asked, using Lifeup Alpha to heal her arm.

"Yes, I'm Everdred, boss of Burglin Park. When I jumped off the roof, I twisted my ankle."

"Guess that explains why you went down so easy."

"Yep. I lost and nothing will change that."

"Right. Now... Do you know where Paula Polestar is?"

"You know, you're pretty strong. And you have powers, like Paula does. So yeah, I know where she is. I own a cabin in Peaceful Rest Valley that I rented out to a chubby boy and a weird guy in a blue outfit. They kidnapped Paula and took her there, said that they were going to make her some sort of human sacrifice. They were definitely hard-core strange."

"What? Seriously?"

"Yeah. You know, she might be dead already. You'd better hurry. And if you save Paula, be sure to come back here, okay? Don't forget!"

"Yeah, sure. Guess I'm off to Peaceful Rest Valley."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The path to Peaceful Rest Valley led through a cave, and on the way she ran into more of those walking mushrooms. Ness bashed one with her bat, but the other shot a blast of spores at her before she could get it. She felt a little strange afterwards, and felt to find a mushroom growing on her head! She tried to pull it off, but it wouldn't budge. And when she tried walk forward, she walked in the opposite direction! Okay, this was weird. It was as if this mushroom on her head was screwing up the damn signals to her brain.

As she exited the cave, she found a girl nearby with a basket full of mushrooms, gathering more from a mushroom patch.

"Isn't it a bit dangerous to be out around here alone?" Ness asked her.

"Oh! Hi! I'm hunting for mushrooms. I'm going to collect a ton. Say, can I buy the mushroom on your head?"

"What? You want the mushroom on my head?"

"Yeah! I'll pay you fifty dollars for it."

Wow... That was a lot of money for a simple mushroom. "Uh, sure... If you can pull it off."

"No problem!" The girl walked forward, reaching up and easily plucking the mushroom from Ness's head. She immediately stopped feeling strange, and found she could walk in the right direction now. Seemed only someone else could pull a mushroom off your head.

"Here's your fifty dollars!" the girl told her, reaching into her purse and handing Ness the money.

"Uh... Thanks."

"No, thank you! That was a premium mushroom you had growing on your head."

Leaving the strange girl, Ness walked deeper into Peaceful Rest Valley to find the bridge was out. So, heading further up along the river, Ness found another bridge, but a narrow path between the cliff wall and the river was blocked by... A giant iron pencil? Seriously?

Ness looked to see if there was a way around it... But nothing. It was too tall and smooth to climb over, and the path was too narrow to squeeze by it. She could jump in the river and swim around it, but she couldn't do that for two reasons. First, it was too low of a drop. She'd never be able to climb out again. The second reason was... Well... Ness actually couldn't swim. Long story, but let's just say a traumatic experience in her youth prevented her from ever learning, and leave it at that. And her inability to swim was a closely-guarded secret. If it got out that the brave, tough Ness was afraid of water deeper than her neck, she'd lose the reputation she worked so hard for.

So... the dilemma was... How was she going to get around this? Sighing, Ness turned to walk back to Twoson.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

On the way back, Ness got a call on her receiver phone. Pressing the button, she brought it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hello... This is Apple Kid. I've just finished work on this great invention! Get over here as fast as you can! This thing is soooo cool! See you soon!"

He hung up, leaving Ness very curious. So, she made her way to Apple Kid's house.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Apple Kid wasn't home. But Orange Kid was standing outside of his house, so maybe he knew where the fat genius was.

"Are you looking for that so-called genius, Apple Kid? As a true genius, I'll tell you that he's in Burglin Paark, looking for you."

"Uh... Thanks, Orange Kid."

"Anytime."

"How's your invention coming along, by the way?"

"Kinda hit a snag. I've found a flaw in one of Einstein's theorems."

"Yeah... Good luck with that."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Sure enough, she found Apple Kid in Burglin Park, along with his mouse.

("My master, Apple Kid, has been waiting for you. We started to nod off while waiting...")

Ness merely nodded to the mouse, walking up to Apple Kid, who looked up from where he was nodding off at the sound of her footsteps.

"Sorry. I'm feeling really out of it because I've been working all night, but finally the Pencil Eraser is ready. This machine will eradicate all pencil-shaped figures in just one second. It's incredibly powerful. Just don't use it near a shop that sells pencils." Apple Kid reached into his pocket and handed Ness a small device. "Here, it's yours now."

"Uh... Thanks, Apple Kid. This may be just what I need. Now you go home and get some sleep, okay?"

"Thanks. If I invent some other brilliant item, I'll call you."

"Appreciate that."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness returned to Peaceful Rest Valley, and this time she was attacked by some sort of... little UFO. It fired beams at her and was tough to hit because it kept swerving around just out of reach, but a small PK Rockin' Alpha finally trashed it.

She got to the iron pencil statue again, aiming Apple Kid's pencil eraser at it and pressing the button. Oddly enough, it worked. The iron pencil statue vanished. Ness placed her foot on the spot it previously stood to make sure it wasn't just invisible, but it was definitely gone. Impressed with Apple Kid, Ness made her way along the narrow river path and across the nearby bridge.

The path to Happy-Happy village was wrought with danger. Little UFOs and spinning robots shot beams at her, walking sprouts drained her mental energy and sprouted more of themselves, and oak trees that seemed a little territorial burst into flame whenever she dealt the killing blow. The valley was thick with all these creatures. She was relieved when she saw a cave, walking down it and into the light at the end, where she could hear other people and the sounds of civilization.

She had found Happy-Happy Village. Now she just had to find Paula.


	5. Chapter 4: Happy Happy Joy Joy

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 4:** Happy Happy Joy Joy

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Well... The place was... definitely... blue. Very blue...

A sign nearby welcomed her to Happy-Happy Village. The sign was as blue as the rest of the place. And by that, she meant it literally. All the buildings were painted blue. It was kinda hard on the eyes...

She stepped further into town, a blonde girl in a yellow dress noticing her and running over.

"Excuse me, tourist." Tourist? "I'm collecting donations to help protect the world from contaminants. Donate whatever you can."

"What? No way. Get lost."

"I'll be your shadow, then."

Ness turned to walk away, finding the girl was following her... rather closely, too. Great. She had some psycho girl in her back pocket now.

Walking over to a nearby woman with curly hair, Ness greeted her.

"Who's in charge around here?"

"That's Mr. Carpainter. One day, he suddenly received a revelation from God. His words are the words of God."

Oh, shit... This place was one big cult village, wasn't it?

"Uh... Okay? So Mr. Carpainter is like, the mayor, or something?"

"Oh, not at all. But he is our leader. You might misunderstand what I have to say, but Mr. Carpainter's voice affects one's mind, like a hypnotist. He can communicate with all kinds of gods, you know, so he is able to deliver inspired messages."

"Riiiiight. Why is everything blue?"

"You don't seem to understand, so I'll explain it to you. When the world is changed to blue, a peaceful country can be established. Although you don't understand now, some day you will."

"Okay, but may I see Mr. Carpainter? I'm looking for someone."

"You want to talk to Mr. Carpainter directly? You must think you're pretty important, and boy do you have a lot of nerve! Kids like you deserve to be struck by lightning and die."

Ugh. Wow a crazy bitch. Sighing, Ness turned to the girl following her.

"Tell you what. Tell me where Mr. Carpainter is, and I'll donate money to your cause."

"Really? He's in the big building in the center of town. How much will you donate?"

"How about a dollar?" Ness took out her wallet and handed the girl a dollar.

"Your good deed will be rewarded. Here's a postcard for you." The girl reached into her pocket and handed Ness a picture postcard of a somewhat gloomy-looking place. "Go and be happy!"

Wow... What a weirdo. But at least the girl wasn't following her anymore. She was sure Mr. Carpainter knew where Paula was, if he was as all-knowing as everyone said he was.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The large house in the middle of town was absolutely packed with people dressed in blue sheets and ties. Each sheet said 'HH' above the eyes, likely for 'Happy-Happy.' Pushing her way through the crowd, Ness actually had to bash a few with her bat to get them to move out of her way, coming to the end of the large room and stepping through the door. She was greeted by a man in a blue suit behind a counter, who screamed upon seeing her.

"What the hell? What was that for?" Ness asked, rubbing her ears.

"I screamed, because I didn't know what else to do." he explained.

"Uh... Okay? Are you Mr. Carpainter?"

"No, Mr. Carpainter is up the stairs across from the door."

"Can I see him?"

"If you want. I should warn you, he's in a bit of a bad mood, though."

"Whatever. Thanks."

Heading up the stairs, Ness found a balding man with glasses, blue hair, a blue goatee, and a blue suit. He was standing in front of a golden, sparkling devil statue that looked oddly familiar...

"Hey, Carpainter! Do you know where a girl named Paula Polestar is?" she asked, standing at the foot of his alter and crossing her arms under her breasts.

"Thanks for coming! I've been waiting for you."

He has? "You have?"

"Yes! I need your assistance to help make the world blue and change it into a happy and peaceful society. Will you and Paula become my right-hand assistants?"

"Uh... How about no? Now, do you know where Paula is?"

"If you don't want to be my right hand, my left would be just fine... Just kidding! Your existence is a problem for me and my religion. Defy me, and I'll end your pitiful game!"

"Uh... Yeah. Does that mean you're the one who kidnapped Pau-"

She was interrupted as Mr. Carpainter brought his hands to his head... And shot three bolts of lighting at her. Ness was surprised, but before she could run, the lightning hit her, and she feared the worst...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness thought it was the end... but then she felt a breeze. Was she dead? She opened her eyes to find herself in a stable with a cow... A blue cow. And... She was completely naked.

"Yipes!"

Ness ducked behind the blue cow, hoping to hide herself from view.

"What the hell just happened?"

("You got mooooved here because you gave Mr. Carpainter some lip.")

Oh, the cow was talking to her. ("Why am I naked?")

("Probably just Mr. Carpainter's sense of humor.")

("Does that mean that Mr. Carpainter kidnapped Paula?")

("Yes. Mr. Carpainter plans to make Paula his goddess of Happy-Happyism, thus making him a god.")

("Do you know where they're keeping her?")

("I'm afraid not. But you better find some clothes. The owner of this farm should be able to offer you lodgings for the night, and I'm sure he has some clothes in your size... as long as you don't mind them being his son's clothes.")

("Don't generally have a problem dressing like a boy. Thanks, cow.")

("Anytime.")

So, with her arms across her breasts and crotch, Ness scurried over to the farm house and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Walking in, the man inside raised a brow at seeing a teenaged girl walk into his house completely nude. "Are you okay, little lady? Do you need some help?"

"Uh, yeah... I could use some clothes."

"What happened?"

"Um... I got robbed on my way through Peaceful Rest Valley." she lied.

"Hm... We're all like one big, happy family here in Happy Happy Village. Basically, our policy is to only allow family members to stay here in the village. However, if you are interested in learning about Happy Happyism, we may make an exception and let you stay in our guest room. I can give you some clothes, too, as long as you don't mind them being my son's clothes. But only if you do some chores for me for an hour or so."

"Uh... Yeah, that sounds okay."

"Good. My son should be outside tending to the crops. Go see him right now and get to work."

"Um..."

"Yes?"

"You expect me to do the chores naked?"

"Of course."

What.

"Just kidding. Run upstairs and pick out some clothes from my son's room."

"Thanks, buddy."

So, Ness ran upstairs, likely giving the man a nice view of her ass.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Seemed the son was a stereotypical farm boy. She only found blue jean overalls in his room. That, and blue button shirts. No way was she wearing overalls with a button shirt. Buttons on shirts were too fancy. So she found a pair of boots and slipped into a pair of overalls, and that was all. The front held up by suspenders covered her breasts well enough, save for some deep cleavage and serious sideboob. It also was fairly low-cut in the back, showing the top of her asscrack. Ness really didn't mind any of that. Maybe she could use this outfit to sweet-talk the farmer's son into letting her off without doing the chores she promised.

The farmer was a little perplexed to see her in just overalls without a shirt... So Ness just walked right past him and outside.

She found the farmer's son tending to the crops just south of the house, sure enough. She hopped over the fence and walked up behind him, clearing her throat.

"You get the payment from that overweight kid?" he asked.

What? Oh, he thought she was someone else. Ness tried to deepen her voice a bit. "Not yet. But you didn't tell me what this payment was for."

"Duh. I told you like five times already. That overweight kid helped me. We kidnapped Paula Polestar."

"Really? Dude, that's awesome! Where is she?"

"That one I already told you that about three times already. She's hidden in a mountain cabin."

Hm... That was vague. "How do I get there?"

"Dude, what kinda question is that? And why does your voice sound so... I don't know, melodious?"

The young man stood up and turned around, his jaw dropping when he saw who it was.

"Oh! Uh oh... Now I've done it! I thought you were- You know I was joking!"

Ness cracked her knuckles, cocking her head to the side and grinning threateningly. The farmer kid turned to run, but Ness grabbed him by the straps of his overalls., turning him around and holding him up by his shirt collar.

"You tell me where this mountain cabin is, or I kill you and eat your liver."

"Hah! You think that scares me? I live in a farming town run by a crazy cult and a strict farmer father! You'll have to do better than that."

Hm... True. That meant threats of violence wouldn't work. He was highly religious, but still a teenager, so...

"Then how about you tell me if I lower the strap of my overalls?" she asked, setting him down and smiling seductively. She also tried to add some huskiness to her voice when she spoke.

"S-Sure..."

Ah, here we go. Of course a kid in a religious farming village would be sexually repressed. So, Ness lowered the left strap of her overalls, showing her shapely bare shoulder. A trickle of blood fell from the young man's nose.

"There's a cave north of town. Leads to a cabin Mr. Carpainter rented from a guy named Everdred. We're holding Paula Polestar there, and she should still be there." He hastily told her, a dreamy look on his face.

"Thank you. You've been very helpful, sweet thing." She huskily told him.

She turned and walked away, looking back to see him staring into space with that dreamy expression on his face. She wondered how long he'd stay like that, giggling at the thought.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

She didn't have her bat, so she made do with a large, sturdy branch from the woods just outside Happy Happy Village. She smashed two of the Happy-Happyist cultists in the face as she went through the cave. They tried to attack her with paint brushes and buckets of blue paint... Weird.

Sure enough, she found a cabin in a clearing surrounding by cliff walls. No one was around, aside from some creepy crows in the trees. So, she just waltzed right in.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The cabin was divided down the middle with a floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall prison. On the door side was a table and chair, likely for the guard, though no one was there. But not even a cot was inside the prison side. Just a girl.

"Paula Polestar?" she asked.

The girl turned around, looking Ness up and down. "...Who?..."

"I'm Ness."

"You're Ness? Ness! I'm so glad it's you."

Ness took the time to study the girl. She was blonde. Blue-eyed. Was wearing a pink dress. Had a red ribbon in her hair. Was clutching a teddy bear. Analysis? She hated her. Clearly the kind of uptight, girly-girl that made Ness prefer male friendships. Ness tried to hide her disgust as Paula continued.

"I had a dream that a girl named Ness was my destiny. I know it's hard to believe. Therefore, I knew you would rescue me. If you didn't come, I... would have started crying."

Ugh. Yep, she definitely hated this girl. Not just an uptight girly-girl, but a crybaby, too. Still, she was one of the chosen four, which meant she'd have to get her out of there and put up with her.

Saying nothing, ness went for the door on the cage, trying to pull it open.

"You can't open the door." Paula told her. "You'll have to get the key from Carpainter. He's got it hidden away. I heard Carpainter can control lightning. In that case, you should wear this Franklin Badge, okay?"

Paula reached into her pocket and handed Ness a little badge with a lightning bolt on it.

"Franklin Badge? What does it do?" Ness asked.

"It reflects lightning attacks back at the attacker, so you can face Carpainter in a fair fight. I'll wait here until you return. Come back here and get me out once you defeat Carpainter. Don't worry about me, just kick butt like I know you can! But, um... Can I ask you something?"

"Uh... Sure. I guess that's okay."

"Why are you dressed like an actor from a barnyard porno?"

Ugh. Yep, she definitely hated this girl.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

On her way out, Ness was surprised to see Porky, flanked by two of the Happy-Happyist cultists.

"Porky? What in god's name are _you_ doing all the way out here?"

"Hey, Ness! Lookin' good!" he snickered. "But you're just here to bother me, aren't you. Just when it looks like Mr. Carpainter is going to make me a big shot in Happy-Happyism, you show up. You should join us, but I know you won't... I'm glad I joined..."

"Porky? You're the chubby kid that helped kidnap Paula?"

"Yep! Oh, don't worry, though. I'm not going to fight you... but these guys will. Later potater!"

The two cultists lunged at her with their paintbrushes, splattering her overalls with blue paint.

"Ugh! Really? Are you trying to kill me, or assimilate me?" Ness complained.

"Assimilate you. Wasn't that obvious?"

"Ugh. Whatever."

Ness brought up her branch and ran forward, smashing one in the head, and bashing the other in the stomach. The first one was out cold, but the second one got a second wind and lunged forward with his pain brush. Ness dove out of the way, spinning around and kicking the cultist where it hurts. He fell to the ground, clutching his crotch.

Of course, Porky was gone. But now she had the Franklin Badge, and could fight Mr. Carpainter. So she made her way back to Happy-Happy Village.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness made her way back to the large building in the center of town, again pushing her way past the cultists shuffling around in the enormous room, ignoring the man behind the desk's scream, trudging up the stairs and standing in front of Mr. Carpainter, crossing her arms and tapping her foot.

"I'm back, you blue-haired bastard." She told him.

"Oh, hello again! Have you come to join me?"

"Of course! I'd love to chant 'blue... blue...' before bed time and wear a sheet over my head!"

"Really?"

"No. Fuck you and fuck your crazy religion. I couldn't care less what happens to the people of this hick-ass town, but I need the key to Paula's cage, then I'll be on my way and you can run your creepy cult in peace. Deal?"

Mr. Carpainter thought for a moment. "Wrong answer!"

Bringing his hand's to his head, Mr. Carpainter shot three bolts of lightning at Ness. The bolts seemed attacted to the Franklin Badge pinned to Ness's overalls strap, hitting it and getting reflected right back at the crazy cult leader.

"Yikes!"

Carpainter jumped out of the way, falling off his alter.

"Take that, ya giant prick!" Ness called down after him, pleased with herself.

"Ugh... So Paula gave you the Franklin Badge, huh?" Carpainter groaned, pulling himself off the floor and walking around to the bottom of the altar. "Guess I'll have to resort to fisticuffs!"

Ugh... This guy was such a lame-ass.

Carpainter pulled a paint brush from the bucket at his belt, lunging forward and swinging it down on the teenaged girl.

Ness thought it would be like those stupid cultists' attack, so she just stood there and took it. Boy, was she surprised when she went falling down the stairs with blue paint on her head. He hit harder than his flunkies! Scrambling to her feet, Ness jumped forward and attempted to thrust right into his face with her branch. The cult leader blocked with his paint brush, then again when Ness tried a side swing.

Ugh! This guy was good. Ness brought her hands up to her temples, ready to use it.

"PK Rockin' Alpha!" she announced, sending out the small shockwave of her attack.

Carpainter was knocked back and sent flying, but actually landed feet-first on the wall, kicking off it and swiping his paint brush across Ness's eyes.

"Ah! Bastard!" the teenaged girl cried, the paint stinging her eyes.

She'd need something else... Something that would hit this guy... Something like...

"PK Flash Alpha!"

Ness wasn't sure where the words came from, but it was almost like she felt knew power welling up from within her. A small sparkle of light was launched from her mind, exploding into a brilliant flash of light.

"Ah!" Carpainter cried, blinded by the light.

Ness used his distraction to heal her eyes. "Healing Alpha!" That was another new one... and it seemed different from Lifeup.

Carpainter also brought his hand to his face. "Healing Alpha!"

Ness gripped her branch, really getting pissed at this guy.

"As you can see, you aren't the only one who has those tricks up their sleeve. I was chosen by the gods to lead these people to happiness, and granted powers for just this purpose. Now... You will die."

Carpainter brought his hands to his head, launching two bolts of lightning at Ness. Ness just smirked. The lightning was reflected off her Franklin Badge, turning right around and hitting Carpainter, electrocuting him. The cult leader fell to the ground, smoking.

"Ugh..." Carpainter groaned, pulling himself off the ground. Ness readied herself for another fight, but the cult leader just coughed and turned to look up at the altar.

"The gold-colored statue at the top of the altar... Since I got it, I have been doing peculiar things. Please forgive me, if you can... I just wanted to make everyone happy. I apologize... to everyone."

"Seriously? Just like that, you're back to normal?" Ness exclaimed.

"Seriously. I'm sorry..."

"Where'd you get that creepy statue, anyway?"

"I purchased it from a man named Lier X. Agerate in Onett. But I'll give it back to him now. I don't even want my money back. I just want to get rid of this thing... It's almost like it's been influencing my thoughts, and I never had these... powers before I got it." He turned back to Ness, reaching into his pocket and tossing her something. "Here's the key to open the jail in the mountain cabin where Paula is being held. Take the key and go."

"Thanks. Now where's my stuff?"

"Oh. Go see my secretary downstairs. We've been keeping your backpack, bat, and clothes safe."

"That screaming guy is your secretary?"

"Yes. Does his job better than most women can."

Okaaay...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness walked down stairs to where the man in the blue suit was waiting.

"Are you Ness?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"The girl that..."

"Yeah..."

"You went after Mr. Carpainter and..."

"Yeah..."

"You're awesome!"

"I know. Now where's my shit?"

"Oh, here you go." He reached below the counter and handed her her stuff.

"Thanks."

Ness took her backpack, bat, and clothes, slipping her hat on first, as it was most important. She unbuckled the straps of her overalls and let them drop, then took off her boots and began putting her shorts on. After a bit, she paused, turning to look at Mr. Carpainter's secretary, who was getting an eyeful of her bare ass.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" she asked.

"Not at all. I'm gay."

"You are?"

"Of course. Why else do you think Mr. Carpainter has a male secretary?"

What.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness left to find the large main room of Carpainter's house to be empty except three wandering cultists. As she walked out the front door, she looked to see Porky run up to her.

"That was really something, Ness! It looks like I somehow woke up, too. Let's be friends again!"

Ness just crossed her arms under her breasts, glaring at him.

"C'mon, reply to me, will ya? I promise I'll be a good guy."

She just continued to glare at him.

"I guess that's a no, huh?"

Porky turned to walk away, but turned back around after a few steps.

"Bleeehhh!" he mocked as he stuck his tongue out at her. "I was just lying! Someday, you'll see!"

He ran off then, leaving Ness to just sigh and shake her head. Porky was always kinda rotten... But never was he evil. She wondered what he meant by saying that someday, she'd see... Meh. What could a fat lard of a teenaged boy do?

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness made her way back to Everdred's cabin, Paula getting up from against the wall when she saw her enter.

"See? I'm in my regular clothes now. Better?" she asked.

Paula looked her up and down. "Um... N-Not really."

Ness seethed, clenching her fists. "Why? What's wrong with how I'm dressed?" she growled.

"You have so much skin showing... It's indecent..."

Ugh... Ness just kept hating this girl more and more. Not only was she an uptight crybaby girly-girl, but a prude as well.

"Whatever. Anyway, I've got the key, so I'm going to let you out."

"Oh! You got the key! Are you hurt?"

Ness smirked. "Not at all. Carpainter was a piece of cake."

"Oh... Still, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you."

Great, and she apologized for nothing, too. Swallowing her annoyance, Ness pulled out the key from Carpainter and unlocked the door, Paula walking out with her teddy bear.

"Thank you, Ness! You're just like I imagined you would be..." She said something under her breath, which Ness could've sworn sounded like 'except for the hoochie clothes.' "I'm sure that some people in Twoson are worried about me..." she continued before Ness could fully process the muttered words. "Getting back there may be dangerous, but we can do it if we combine our strength. I'm able to use a little psychic power that is actually pretty deadly... Let's head back to Twoson!"

It looked like two of the chosen four were together so far. Which was a good thing, even if they _were_ total opposites...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The walk back to Happy Happy Village was awkward.

"So... You're psychic, too?" Ness asked.

"Um... Yes."

"Can you move things with your mind and telepathically talk to animals?"

"Uh... No. But I can telepathically communicate with people in their sleep, occasionally get slight glimpses of future events, and... well, you'll see."

"Hm... Okay, then. Do I need to buy you a weapon, or something?"

"That would be nice. I think they sell frying pans at the drug store in this town."

Really? A frying pan? "Wouldn't you feel more comfortable with a better weapon? You know, like a baseball bat?"

"Frying pans are much more effective than baseball bats."

"How so?" Ness growled.

"They're made of metal."

"But baseball bats have a longer reach."

"Hm... But frying pans are fire-resistant."

"Yeah, but baseball bats are easier to grip."

Ness had animosity for this girl from the start... Now she could tell Paula was starting to feel the same way, if only slightly. Good. Last thing she wanted to do was get along with _this_ prude.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

As they turned to leave town, the girl who was collecting donations earlier ran up to them.

"Finally I have a chance to apologize."

"Oh... Well, no problem."

"I also want to give you your money back."

She handed Ness a dollar.

"Uh... Thanks. Now, we better get going..."

"Hang on. There's something you should know."

Ness sighed. "What now?"

"In the east cave... there's a spot with a lot of little footprints... People call it Lilliput Steps, and it makes them feel uneasy..."

"Why does it make people feel uneasy?"

"Because... It... doesn't feel like our place..."

"Okay... And why are you telling me this?"

"Because... I think it might be... _your_ place."

That piqued Ness's interest. "Thanks. You've been very helpful."

The girl just smiled.

Hm... Sounded like one of those 'Your Sanctuary' locations that Buzz Buzz told her to find... Looks like they had one more stop before they headed back to Twoson.


	6. Chapter 5: Volume

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 5:** Volume

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness walked into the east cave, looking around with interest.

"Why are we here, Ness? My parents in Twoson are probably worried..." Paula pointed out.

"They can wait." Ness dismissed. "When I was back in Onett, a psychic warrior named Buzz Buzz told me to find the 'my Sanctuary' locations, or whatever. I think this might be one of them."

"And it can't wait, Ness?"

"We're here, aren't we? Might as well tackle this place."

Paula sighed, walking behind Ness and looking uneasy.

"By the way, why do you carry that damn teddy bear around? It'll get it the way."

"What? But I've had Kumashi since I was a baby! I don't know what I'd do without him."

Ugh... Not just a crybaby girly-girl prude, but childish as well.

"Look, Paula, I think-"

"Ahhhh!"

Ness looked to see Paula being tackled to the ground by... a mole? What?

"Get it off! Get it off!" Paula cried.

"Uh..."

Something was wrong about this... it wasn't just attacking like the other animals Ness had encountered before.

"What are you waiting for, Ness? It's scratching me!"

"Hang on." Ness urged her. She walked forward, grabbing the mole and hugging it against her chest.

("Three, two, one! I win!") Ness told it with her mind.

("Aww, no fair! You tagged teamed up on me!") the mole complained.

("Hey, can you tell the other moles in this cave not to bother the girl in the pink dress? She's in a bad mood, and doesn't feel like playing. But tell them I'm more than happy to play with them, but later, okay?")

("Awww... okay. See ya.")

The mole hopped from Ness's arms and scurried off.

"Ness? What in the world was that?" Paula exclaimed.

"That mole wasn't attacking you. It was just playing."

"Playing? But it mauled me!"

"Well... It might have been playing rough, but it was still playing."

"Why didn't you kill it, Ness?"

Because I enjoyed seeing a prude like you in pain? "Because I could tell, the little guy was just goofing off. Take it easy."

"Ugh... I think it scratched up my neck..." Paula whined.

"Relax, I'll heal you." Ness reached forward, hand to Paula's neck as she summoned the blue light again. "Lifeup Alpha." She called it, Paula amazed as her scratches were healed.

"You can heal, Ness?" Paula asked, shocked.

"Well... Yeah. Can't you?"

"No..."

"Oh. Well... I guess our powers are different from each oth-"

She was interrupted when a mole tackled her in the back, sending her stumbling forward. She didn't fall _on_ Paula... But her hand, which was still healing Paula's neck, fell and landed on her chest.

"Eep!" Paula cried, pushing Ness away and wrapping her arms around her chest protectively.

Ness fell on her ass from Paula's push, the mole that hit her in the back climbing onto her chest, looking at her with big, cute eyes.

"I told you, I'll play with you and your friends later, okay?" Ness gently soothed.

The mole just nodded, scurrying off again.

Ness, rather than apologizing to Paula, walked off down the cave, not even checking to see if the girl was following her.

She was previously tempted to add 'flat-chested' on to the girl's growing list of titles...

But...

Ness wasn't sure...

But she could've sworn she felt some nice volume there...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Since their encounter near the entrance, they only saw a few moles, and they just watched the two girls curiously, though they still made Paula nervous. Bats attacked them, which tended to fly just out of Ness's bat's reach, but luckily Paula had some powerful psychic attacks. Unlike Ness, who seemed to have tele-, photo-, and biokinesis as battle powers, Paula's powers seemed focused on pyro-, cryo-, and electrokinesis. They were powerful attacks, at least more so than Ness's PK Rockin' Alpha. It just seemed that Paula's PK Thunder Alpha tended to miss a lot, though at least PK Fire Alpha could be spread out to hit multiple enemies. Having her around would be useful, Ness realized, even if the two girls didn't get along. Paula was making some attempts at small talk, but they really had nothing in common with each other, and Ness just plain didn't like this girl.

A bat flew out of nowhere and fluttered around Paula.

"Ah! Get it, Ness!"

Ness sighed. She was having to do this a lot. "Duck, Paula." With a swing of her baseball bat, she sent the hyperactive bat flying.

"Ugh... I think it unhooked my bra." Paula groaned.

"Your what?"

"My bra, Ness."

"What's a bra?"

Paula's mouth just fell open, leaving Ness confused.

"You said it got unhooked. Is it what's keeping your ribbon in your hair?"

"Ness... You can't be serious, can you?" Paula sighed, exasperated.

"Uhhh... Why, are bras common?"

"Yes! All girls wear them!"

"Oh. Didn't know so many girls wore ribbons."

Paula smacked her forehead, turning to walk ahead deeper into the cave. Ness signed and went to examine a pile of bones, but heard screaming from the direction Paula had went. The teenaged tomboy ran ahead, finding Paula scared by a large bear.

"Uh oh! So there are more than just bats and moles in this cave!" Ness exclaimed, running forward and bashing the bear with her bat. To her surprise, the bear caught her bat, rearing its front leg back to smack Ness aside, crawling after Paula.

"PK Freeze Beta!"

Paula brought her fingers to her temples, sending a wave of ice forward that completely froze the bear solid.

"Whew... That's a relief... Ness, are you all right? Ness?"

Paula crawled over to where the tomboy lay, seeing she had a huge gash in her shoulder from the bear's claws.

"Ness! Wake up! Heal yourself! Quick!" Paula pleaded.

Ness groaned, opening her eyes and looking down at her wound. Crap... Lifeup Alpha wasn't enough to heal a wound this big. Unless...

Ness brought her hand up to the gouge-out wound in her shoulder. "Lifeup... Beta!"

A blue glow shone from her hands, the wound closing up in minutes. When she was done, Ness fell limp, panting heavily.

"Ness... You're amazing. I wish I could heal others... I could help so many people with powers like that."

"Ugh... Helping others isn't really my main priority. Mind helping me up?"

"Uh... Sure..."

Paula stood and offered Ness a hand to help her up. The teenaged tomboy looked visibly drained. That Lifeup Beta took a lot out of her.

"Here, take this."

Paula tossed Ness something, which she unwrapped to find it was a small piece of caramel.

"What's this?"

"PK Caramel. My mom makes them. They ease mental fatigue and give you more energy to use your powers."

"You got a lot of these?" Ness asked, amazed.

"Um... That was my last one. Sorry. We can probably pick up more from my mom in Twoson."

"Noted. Not let's get going."

"Sure, Ness..."

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

They continued walking, Ness playing with the tear in her shirt from the bear's attack. Lifeup, being biokinesis based, could heal wounds, but not objects. She'd brought some spare clothes in her backpack, so she'd have to change into a different shirt when they got back to town. Not safe to do it in the cave. Could get ambushed by bats at any moment.

"Um... Ness?"

The teenaged tomboy sighed. "What is it, Paula?"

"What's it like to talk to animals?"

"Huh? What kind of question is that?"

"Well... You mentioned you could hear animals' thoughts, and I realized that's what you did back there with the mole that attacked me. So... I just thought it must be nice to be able to talk to animals like they're people. You'd never be lonely as long as you had a dog, cat, mouse, or bird to talk to, and I'm sure animals are aware of things that humans aren't."

Huh... Ness never thought of it like that. Animals rarely had anything interesting to say...

"Well, what about you? You can heat up your food or cool down your drink whenever you want. Maybe even recharge batteries?"

Paula giggled. "Batteries don't work that way, Ness. But yes, I suppose I could use it for creature comforts."

"And c'mon, talking to people in their sleep is pretty cool. That's some powerful telepathy."

Paula smiled. "Thank you. But it only works if the person is sleeping... At least you can communicate with animals any time you want."

"Yeah, I guess... So, when did you realize you were psychic?" Wait, did Ness just ask a question back?

"Um... I could do little things like making a little bit of heat or cold when I was little, and tended to get static shocks more than other people. But my full powers didn't start developing until about a year or so ago."

"Weird, that's when I got my telekinesis. Though I've been able to telepathically talk to animals since I was little."

"I guess we're a lot alike in some respects, Ness..."

"Yeah... Guess so..."

Could it be... she was actually starting to _like_ this girl?

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They found an exit with light pouring in from it, but it was guarded by a giant mole with dried blood covering its mouth and claws. It roared, bounding forward and going straight for Paula.

"Eeep!" the girl cried.

"Shield Alpha!"

Ness threw her hands out, surprised when the giant mole rammed right into a wall of light.

"Ness? You can make barriers?"

"I... I guess so!" Ness said, confused.

The mole got up, but Ness jumped and pounced on it with her bat. To her shock, the blow just glanced off its thick skin.

"This thing is strong! Paula, see if you can freeze him!"

"Um... Okay! PK Freeze Alpha!"

Paula brought her fingers to her temples, sending a wave of ice forward that did little than cover the giant mole in frost, which it quickly shook from its body and seemed to roar and cast Lifeup Alpha on itself.

Crap... She needed something to use against this thing.

"PK Rockin' Alpha!"

Ness sent out a telekinetic shockwave, but the giant mole dug its claws in the dirt, only being pushed back slightly by the attack.

"Dammit!"

"Ness! It's impolite for a lady to swear!" Paula scolded.

Ugh... Just when she was starting to kind of like this girl.

"Okay, uh... Paula, cover your eyes! PK Flash Alpha!"

Ness sent the sparkle up, creating the brilliant flash of light, but the mole shielded its eyes with its paws. So it wasn't just tough... It was smart, too.

"Paula, try-"

The mole ran toward Ness, tearing into her, but she was shoved out of the way at the last second by Paula. The mole tackled her head-on, knocking her into the cave wall.

"No, no, no! Paula!"

Ness ran over to check on her friend. Wait... did she just think of Paula as a friend?

"Paula! You okay?" the teenaged tomboy asked.

"Ugh... Ness... Your biokinesis is more than just healing... You can use it for harm, as well."

"I can?"

"Yes... I read about it in a book. You can control other bodily functions in certain ways..."

"You can?"

"Yes! Don't worry about me. Save your mental energy for the mole. Fight it with everything you've got!"

Ness nodded, standing and facing the mole. Okay, biokinesis for harm, biokinesis for harm... Ness searched her mind for something, anything that would pop up at her from deep within her psyche. Then it hit her.

"Hypnosis Alpha!"

Ness threw her hands out, sending out a wave of rings that caused the mole's eyes to droop. She kept it up, sending a continuous stream at it, and it eventually fell down, asleep.

"Yes! Now to kill this thing!"

Ness ran forward, smashing it with a Ness Home Run... All it did was wake up the beast.

"Okay, need to think of something else..." Ness said to herself, jumping back and searching her psyche again. The mole ran for her again, it's claws ready to swipe, so she had to hurry.

Putting it to sleep didn't work. It just woke up again. She needed something that would put it out of commission longer...

"Paralysis Alpha!"

Ness jumped, psychic energy gathered to her hand and she grabbed the mole's forehead. It took a bit of concentration, but the mole's body fell limp, like it was completely numb.

"Okay, need something big to hit this thing. Something bigger than PK Rockin' Alpha..."

Wait... Earlier, Paula used a PK Freeze Beta to freeze that bear. And Ness discovered Lifeup Beta to heal herself from the bear's attack. So... Maybe there was a higher level of PK Rockin'? It was worth a shot!

Ness gathered all the mental energy she could muster, focusing on sending this mole flying. She concentrated as much as she could, and little did she knew, rocks around her were beginning to float.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Paula watched in awe as a maelstrom of psychic energy began to gather around Ness. Was this the next level of her telekinesis? Even the rocks around her began to float. Ness's eyes were closed, beads of sweat forming on her brow. Her eyes opened, and they were just solid rainbow light, like an aurora borealis. The energy gathering around here was also rainbow-colored. With a hand pushed forward, Ness spoke, and her voice had an echo to it. Her feet even began to leave the ground.

"PK Rockin' Beta!"

A massive wave of energy went flying at the paralyzed mole, peeling tufts of hair off, then bits of skin, until finally the mole was sent flying into the cave wall... Then the ceiling. Then back to the floor. Paula could hear its bones breaking with each impact. Ness needed to stop! She had won!

"Ness! Stop!"

The teenaged tomboy seemed deaf to Paula's words. Getting up, Paula limped over to Ness, struggling against her own sprained ankle and the telekinetic shockwaves flying from her friend. When she finally reached her, she wrapped her arms around the girl, hugging her tight.

The color faded from Ness's eyes, the girl falling limp in Paula's arms. When Paula looked, the giant mole was little more than a pile of broken bones. It was clearly dead.

"Ness? Are you okay?"

"Mmmmhmmm..." the tomboy groaned.

"That was pretty awesome, Ness. I'm impressed... And a little worried. You clearly have a lot of untapped power. I... just hope you use it for good."

"Ugh... PK..."

"Ness, stop. What are you trying to do?"

"PK... Lifeup... Alpha…"

To Paula's surprise, Ness's hand reached for her ankle, a glowing blue light healing her sprain. The girl giggled. "Does this mean we're friends now, Ness?"

Ness looked up at Paula, smirking through half-lidded eyes. "Don't push it..."

"Right. One step at a time, Nessie..."

"Don't call me Nessie..."

"Oh... Okay... Sorry..."

"S'okay... Just... Carry me into Lilliput Steps, please..."

"Sure..." Paula hoisted Ness up, finding she was heavier than she looked.

"You're... heavier than you look, Ness..."

"You're lucky I can't even move my arms right now, or I'd punch you in the mouth..." Ness groaned, though she was smiling.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness was dragged into the clearing outside the cave, finding Lilliput Steps was a trail of tiny footprints walking in a loop from one tree to another. She heard the melody of the power spot in her mind, and briefly saw a vision of a baby in a red ca[. Immediately, stamina flowed through Ness, and she found herself strong enough to stand on her own once more.

"Wow. I feel all my weariness just vanishing." Paula said, surprised. "Is this the power of Your Sanctuary, Ness?"

Ness just smiled. "I think it's _our_ sanctuary, this time."

Paula just giggled.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They stayed the night one more time in Happy Happy Village, the farmer at Meager Livin' Farm happy to let them stay for free. Ness and Paula made their way back through Peaceful Rest Valley, finding one of the Happy Happy Villagers had fixed the bridge, giving them a shortcut back to Twoson. When they arrived in town, they went straight for Paula's house.

"Mom! I'm home!" Paula called into the house as they entered. She was immediately jumped by the preschoolers. Ms. Polestar walked up, smiling as she pulled some rubber gloves off that were soaking wet.

"Yahoo! I knew it! You saved Paula, Ness. I don't really understand it, but I know that Paula's miraculous power and your great courage will allow you to stand up to any challenge. Paula, if you must take a trip, be sure to bring this along. It's my very own hand-made band-aid. Ooo! That rhymes! I know, I'll call it a hand-aid!"

She handed Paula the hand-aid, the girl slipping it into her pocket. "Thanks, mom." Paula told her mouth.

"I'll also make you a whole batch of PK caramels. Did you meet Paula's father?" Ms. Polestar asked Ness, who had just stood to the side and watched the happy reunion. It kind of made her miss her own mother... "He is sorry that he suspected Mr. Everdred of Burglin Park."

"Thanks. We'll go meet him."

Paula led Ness into the living area of their house, walking toward the stairs only for Mr. Polestar to burst in.

"Oh, Paula!" He ran up to give Ness a hug. "Ness, thank you so much! You must be the girl who will save the world, like in Paula's dream. Paula, I'm sure you'd be a big help to Ness. It's not every day a father lets his daughter embark on a journey to save the world!"

"Dad, don't worry about me." Paula told him. "Ness and I will be able to take care of ourselves. In Threed, the next town, we'll meet another friend. If the three of us can combine our power, no one can beat us. Now wipe your eyes, blow your nose, and smile before we take off."

"Goodbye, Paula. Don't worry, I won't cry anymore."

"Thanks, dad."

Yep... This really made Ness miss her own mom and sister...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They were stopped by a man in sunglasses as soon as they left Polestar preschool.

"Hello? Ness?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm a messenger for Everdred. The man is looking for you. He's got something for you."

Before Ness or Paula could respond, the man ran off, leaving the two girls curious.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness and Paula entered Burglin Park and made their way to Everdred's house. They found him inside, waiting for them. He sat at a table, sitting in a chair opposite a couch.

"Ness, Paula. Please, have a seat." He directed them. Shrugging, Ness and Paula went to sit on the couch, Ness noting that while she sat with her legs spread and reclined back, Paula was sitting in a very ladylike position, sitting straight up with her hands clasped in her lap. Ugh... She was prissy, too.

"I'd like to have you join me, but I see 'no' is written all over your face. I was gonna give you this money if you became my lackey, but I can't exactly go back on that now, either. So, here, take this suitcase."

He reached to the side and set a suitcase on the table. "There's ten thousand dollars in bills inside." Ness' eyes bugged out of her head. "Use as much of it as you want, whether it's for good stuff or bad stuff. There's no use in trying to give it back to me! Just give it up and take it!"

Paula was about to refuse, but Ness put a hand on her mouth.

"Thanks so much, Mr. Everdred! Rest assured, we'll put the money to good use!"

"Good. Now, I'm planning to head out to get my hands on the so-called 'Mani Mani Demon' or whatever that some petty bad guy named Lier X. Agerate or something dug up in Onett. Let's meet again if we ever get the chance."

"Of course, of course! See you, Mr. Everdred!"

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Paula sighed as they left Burglin Park, Ness hugging the suitcase to her chest.

"We shouldn't have accepted that money. It's too much." Paula scolded.

"Well, I'm the leader of this little group, and I say we can put the money to good use."

"Like what?"

"Dunno. But I know a real estate agent near Onett is selling a beachside house. Would love to have my own place."

"Ness, listen to yourself! Does that help us save the world from certain doom?"

"Not really, but it'd be pretty awesome."

Paula sighed. "Ness... I really do worry about you. You don't seem like the hero type..."

"Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell everyone!"

"That's not something you should be proud of, Ness..."

"Oh, yeah. We should head for Threed. Let's take the bus."

Paula sighed again. "Fine..."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The bus proved to be a waste of time. Ghosts inhabited the tunnel to Threed, and simply warped the bus right back to Twoson. The two girls got out there and tried to head through the tunnel on foot, but the ghosts again warped them back to Twoson. A man at the bus station who had just arrived in town from Threed said that he was playing some upbeat music and the ghosts slowed down, likely meaning the ghosts couldn't stand anything positive.

"Well, now what do we do?" Paula asked, sighing.

Ness thought for a moment... "I just remembered. The Runaway Five wanted to meet you, Paula."

"They do?"

"Well, one of them."

"Oh, then let's go. Maybe we can get a ride from them."

"Nah, they're stuck in town with a debt to the owner of the Chaos Theater."

"Then I guess it's a good thing Mr. Everdred gave us ten thousand dollars. Let's go."

Did Paula just order her around? And what if she didn't want to spend her money on the Runaway Five just for a simple ride? Sighing, Ness followed her to the Chaos Theater.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Hey, ya came with Paula!" Lucky exclaimed as he saw the two girls approach. "Then you deserve a present, hot stuff. Here's a backstage pass. You can get into our shows with this!"

He handed Ness a laminated slip of paper, clearly labeled as a backstage pass for the Chaos Theater.

"With that backstage pass, you can even get into our dressing room. Come with your bestie... We'll be waitin'."

"Thanks, Lucky." Paula told him with a smile.

Ugh... She was too polite, too.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They walked in and flashed the backstage pass to get into the music hall. Sure enough, it was packed, true enough to the fact that tickets were supposedly sold out. As they walked up to the dressing room door, a blond girl with a ponytail ran up to them.

"Lucky of the Runaway Five told me to come see him backstage, but I don't have a pass. I'm sure security will stop me."

"Oh, well we have a pass." Paula told her. Ness shot her a quick look.

"Really? I can't believe it! Can you take me with you, please please please? I could pose as your sister."

"Sure. You're welcome to come back stage with us."

God... Ness was the leader of this duo, not Paula. And how was this girl wanting to go backstage their problem?

"Yes! This rocks. Let's go. Ooo. My heart is pounding."

Backstage, they found all five members of the Runaway Five getting ready. Nice was even practicing some do-whop.

"Hey, Paula. Hey, uh..."

"Ness."

"Ness. Right. I'll be sure to remember the name of a hottie like you." Lucky greeted them.

"Is it just me, or are you guys the only act in this theater?"

"Well, yeah, in the old days, there used to be lots o' cute dancer girls here at the Chaos Theater. 'cept now, we're the only act playin' here. We even gone into debt here, so we're pretty near stuck." He chuckled a little. "The folks of Twoson'll enjoy the Runaway Five show for quite a few years, it looks like ta me."

"I got those debt blues, hm mm mm." Nice sang. "If I had ten thousand dollars, I could pay off my debts and move on to the next town. I wonder if our bus still runs. It may be rusted out..."

"Dude. What's your next stop on your tour?" Ness asked him.

"We're passing through Threed and stopping in Fourside, then after a gig there, it's on to Summers."

"Can your bus get through the tunnel?"

"Sure. We always play music while we travel in our bus. The ghosts probably couldn't stand the noise."

"If we paid off your debt, would you give us a ride?"

"Two cute girls like you two? Of course." Lucky chimed in.

"But where are you gonna find ten thousand dollars?"

Ness just smirked. "Just stop by the manager's office after your show. You'll see."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

As Ness and Paula left the dressing room, they noticed the lights dimming, indicating the show was starting. They took a seat at one of the tables, listening to the announcer speak.

"Yeah! That's right! Tonight, you got the Chaos Theater's soul men comin' at ya! Rockin' and rollin' live on this here stage for a limited time only! The world's greatest bluesmen, the Runaway Five! And here they come! Oh yeah! Baby!"

It seemed Lucky and Nice were the leader singers, while the other four members played instruments. It was okay, but Ness figured blues music just wasn't her thing... Wait, four? Weren't they the Runaway _Five_? One, two, three... Yep. There were six members up there on the stage. Who else was up there? Hm... It looked like a lady on keyboard was up there. But Ness certainly didn't see her in the dressing room... Where'd she come from?

"Paula? How many members are there in the Runaway Five?" she asked the girl, who seemed to be really into the music.

"Huh? Oh. Five. They're called the Runaway _Five_, after all."

"Then why are there six people on stage?"

"Huh? What are you talking about, Ness?"

"There's a woman on keyboard up there on stage with the Runaway Five."

"No there isn't."

"What?"

"I don't see a woman on keyboard."

Okay, this was weird...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

After the show, they made their way to see the manager, finding a security guard standing beside the door.

"Hey. Here to see the manager." Ness told him, crossing her arms under her breasts. Paula was holding onto the briefcase.

"You want to see Mr. Poochyfud? Right through this door, please."

Huh... That was easy. Stepping through the door, they found a fat man with a big mustache and glasses sitting behind a desk.

"Hm? What do you want?" he asked them.

Ness walked up to the desk, followed by Paula.

"We're here to free the Runaway Five." Ness told him.

"I don't think so. The Runaway Five owe me a lot of money. They'll stay here until they pay me back. They might be here for a hundred years, unless you decide to pay off their debt... Heh, heh, heh."

Ness nodded to Paula, who walked forward and placed the briefcase on Mr. Poochyfud's desk, opening it.

"Wh-What's that?" he asked, shocked.

"Ten thousand dollars in clean, crisp bills." Ness explained, smirking.

"Yipes! You surprised me. Now I'm not sure what to do. I got the money, of course, and now the Runaway Five are free to leave. I've got no complaints now that I have my money."

Just then, the Runaway Five ran in, Nice running up to the counter.

"Well, whadya know? Thanks to this kid, we've gone from hell to heaven!"

He left, Lucky running up to the desk next.

"Bravo! Now we can leave this town." He said, turning and running out.

The drummer walked up next. "I'm great at drivin'. Just leave it to me." He turned and left.

Nest was the cello player. "Let's go to the next town! Alright, let's go to our hunk o' junk." He ran out.

Finally was the saxophone player. "I didn't really stand out during our show, did I?" he asked, then turning and running out.

"Um... Okay..." Ness said.

"I can't believe we're going to be traveling with such a great band!" Paula cheered.

Yeah... She was definitely more into the Runaway Five's music than Ness was...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They left the Chaos Theater and were greeted by Nice, who instructed them to climb aboard the bus. Paula seemed downright excited, putting Ness further at odds with the girl...

As they drove down the street, Ness turned to Lucky.

"Hey... Can I ask a weird question?"

"Anything for you, hot stuff."

"Did you guys used to have a sixth member?"

All the music playing the others were doing abruptly stopped.

"Uh... Something wrong?"

Lucky stood up and went to join the drummer in the front seat.

"Lucky's fiance helped found this band..." Nice explained, sounding sad. "She was the best keyboarder in the world. But... she died right before our first performance..."

"... Oh, that... That sucks. Sorry, dude." Ness said, not sure what to say.

"Ness! You're being insensitive! You brought up a sad loss for the entire group." Paula scolded. Ness just shot her a glare.

"Sometimes, when we're on stage..." the saxophone player began. "We can swear we hear Honey shredding on her keyboard with us..."

"Lucky even swears he sees her sometimes..." the cello player explained.

"So the reason Lucky is so obsessed with women..." Ness began.

"He's desperately looking for something to fill the hole left by Honey's death." Nice finished for her.

"Wait, what do you mean?" Paula asked, confused.

"Remember when that girl told us Lucky told her she could see him backstage? He meant she could visit him for some fun, if you catch my drift." Ness explained.

Paula thought for a moment. Then, the realization hit her, and she nearly fell out of her seat. Ness just laughed at her naivety.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

Ness was worried when the ghosts started following the tour bus on its way through the tunnel, but they only followed for a short while before they broke off. It seemed the Runaway Five's upbeat music really did hurt them. Before Ness and Paula knew it, they were in Threed.


	7. Chapter 6: New Friend

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 6:** New Friend

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The Runaway Five's tour bus exited the tunnel and arrived in Threed, driving up the street and parking in front of the drugstore. Ness and Paula climbed out, Nice climbing out with them.

"Looks like we have to say goodbye for now. This town seems pretty gloomy, but I'm sure you can light up the place with your own little brand of sunshine..."

Nice climbed back into the van, the drummer sticking his head out.

"Hope to see you again sometime." he told the two girls. "Look for us to be singing at some theater in Fourside..."

The bus pulled away, heading to the opposite side of town it came.

"Bye, Lucky! Bye, Nice! Bye, Happy! By everyone! I hope to see your show again! You guys are amazing!" Paula called after them.

"Uh... Hey, Paula."

"Yes?"

"Why didn't we just go to Fourside with them? Why are we stopping in Threed?"

"Because, Ness, we're going to meet the third member of our team here. And we have to help this town with any troubles it has."

"We do? Since when?"

"We're saving the world, Ness!" Paula scolded. "We can't save the entire world if we don't save the little people from their local problems, too."

"Ugh... Hate this hero crap."

"Hey."

Ness and Paula looked to see a boy walk up to them. "Zombies and ghosts are on the loose here. Welcome to Threed."

"Dude, why is it so dark here? It was the middle of the day before we came here." Ness asked.

"I know, seems very dark, right? The people are mostly living at the center of town. The Zombie Relief Corps is trying to figure out how we should get the town back from the zombies. Their headquarters are in the circus tent at the center of town."

"Hm... Let's check it out." Paula suggested.

"_I'm_ the leader of this team, Paula. And _I_ say we go talk to the Zombie Relief Corps."

"Sure, fearless leader." Paula giggled.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

The two walked into the circus tent to find a group of people engaged in a deep debate.

"The zombies are slowly advancing toward the tent. Everyone, I repeat. The zombies are on the move!"

"How can we defeat the zombies? ...Oh... Uh... I just don't know!"

"Why don't we get all the zombies in this tent and then set it on fire?"

"We may all get munched before we have a chance to do anything..."

"Rest easy, people of Threed!" Paula announced, walking forward. Ness just sighed. "We're here to save your town from the zombie threat."

They all looked up at the two girls. "Uh... I guess it's good that you're going to help us... But you're awfully young."

"Yeah. Two teenaged girls? Save the town? Why don't you go head to the pizza shop and talk about boys, and makeup, and jewelry, and... What else are teenaged girls into these days? Uh... Boy bands."

"Hold on a sec!" Ness exclaimed, storming forward. "You see this bat?" she lifted it up. "Don't make me use it! And if you think zombies are scary, wait 'til you see me pissed off!"

"Oh yeah, kid? You'll need more than a baseball bat and frying pan to fight zombies."

"Then watch this..."

Paula walked forward, handing Ness her teddy bear. She brought both hands to her temples, focusing.

A wave of fire flew out, setting the tent ablaze. Then a wave of ice put out the fire.

"Whoa!" the Zombie Relief Corps exclaimed.

"See? We're psychic." Ness explained.

"Hm... Then I think we might just have a shot at this."

"Indeed!"

"Okay, there's a secret path in the back of the cemetery that we're pretty sure leads to the zombie leader's base. It's guarded by two tough zombies. Think you can beat them?"

"You bet!" Ness assured them. "Let's go, Paula."

"Right, Ness!"

The two turned to leave, Paula taking her teddy bear back from Ness.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They had to fight several garbage can monsters, ghosts, and large flies to get through the graveyard. There they found two zombies guarding a path through the woods. They just stared at them...

"Hey, you zombies! Move!" Ness demanded.

They just continued staring.

"Ness! You'll get more flies with honey than vinegar." Paula stepped forward. "Excuse me, Mr. Zombies. Could you please let us pass by?"

The zombies just stared.

"That's it! You're dead meat!" Ness exclaimed, jumping forward with her bat. To her surprise, the zombie caught the bat in his hand, then threw her back with surprising force.

"Paula, try psychic attacks!" Ness ordered from the ground.

"Um... Okay! PK Freeze Beta!"

Paula sent a wave of ice at the zombies, but it did little than cover them in a layer of frost.

"Uh... PK Thunder Alpha!"

She shot a bolt of electricity forward, but the zombies seemed oblivious to the lightning pulsing through their bodies.

"PK Fire Beta!"

Paula send a wave of fire forward, but the zombies ducked to avoid it.

"PK Fire Beta!"

She aimed it lower, the zombies merely jumping over the wave of fire.

Now Paula was starting to get frustrated. "Ness! Try your telekinesis." She suggested.

Ness stood, dusting herself off. "PK Rockin' Beta!"

Ness sent a psychokinetic shockwave forward, the two zombies barely moving from their spots, though they gripped the ground to withstand it.

"I don't know about you, Ness, but I'm tired..." Paula sighed.

"Yeah. Let's just... head for the hotel and come back later."

Shrugging, Paula followed Ness to the hotel.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness and Paula walked back to town, finding a man looking at the hotel from down the street, peeking out from behind a wall.

"The woman in front of that hotel… She's looking pale, but man, she's a hottie…!" he said.

Ness and Paula looked to see a woman with wild blonde hair standing in front of the hotel. She was wearing a very tiny black bikini, along with shades and heels that looked way too high to be comfortable.

A boy walked up. "I saw that same lady talking with the zombies." He said.

Ness and Paula looked at each other, nodding. When they walked up to the woman, she turned and sauntered into the hotel.

Ness and Paula followed her in, finding the woman was leading her to one of the rooms on the first floor. Curiously, no one was manning the counter, and it was eerily quiet. When they entered the room the woman went into, they were shocked.

The room was absolutely filled with zombies, ghosts, and zombie dogs.

"PK Rockin' Beta!" Ness roared, sending a psychokinetic shockwave outward.

"PK Fire Beta!" Paula called, summoning a wave of fire.

The first few zombies and ghosts were thrown back or burned to ashes, but there were too many of them. They were losing consciousness...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness and Paula awoke in a completely pitch-black room.

"PK Flash Alpha!"

Ness summoned a glowing orb of light, finding they were in a cave, likely underground. An iron door blocked their way. Paula walked up and tried to open it, but it was locked.

"Great. Now what do we do?" Ness asked, keeping the light going.

Paula sat down on the dirt floor, pretzel style, and brought her fingers to her temples.

"What are you doing?" Ness asked, sighing.

"I mentioned we were going to meet the third member of our team here in Threed, didn't I?"

"Well, yeah, but I figured you were just saying that to put your father at ease."

"No. I had a dream that we would meet him here. And that he would save us."

"He? We're getting a guy on our team? Yes! I'm getting sick of this being a girls' club. Is he cool?"

"We shall see..."

"I thought you could only give telepathic messages to people in their sleep, though..."

"Don't worry. He's asleep right now. I can feel it."

"Okaaay... Weird."

"I'm calling out to you who I've never met... I'm calling our friend who we've never met... Jeff! Jeff! We need your help! I am Paula and I am with another friend, Ness... We are trying to contact you..."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Jeff Andonuts was just a student at Snow Wood Boarding School in Winters, a country to the north of Eagleland. A brilliant student, but a pretty ordinary student. His best friend was his roommate, Tony. He had gone to bed that night like any other night... But then he had a dream... A girl was calling to him...

("I am Paula, and I am with another friend, Ness... We are trying to contact you... If you hear me, please wake up and... head south! Only you, though far away, can save us, Jeff... Please hear my call and begin heading south... Jeff! You are a friend who we've never met... But you are our one and only hope!... ")

Jeff sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes. He reached for his bedside table, grabbing his glasses and slipping them on. His eyesight was terrible... His glasses were so thick it was ridiculous. Too much late-night reading.

It looked like Tony was still asleep, so Jeff quietly got dressed and headed for the door. The moment he put his hand on the doorknob, though, he heard Tony shift in his bed.

"Jeff? I just had a dream that you and I were taking a walk... Where are you going in the middle of the night? Is something wrong?"

He got out of bed, walking up to Jeff. "You know the dorm rules, right? If you get caught doing something you shouldn't, you'll get paddled big time."

Jeff sighed, taking his hand off the doorknob and turning to face Tony.

"W... what's wrong, Jeff?"

"There's... Something I need to do. Some place I need to be. Far away. Away from Winters." he said cryptically.

Tony just stood there, processing that. "...All right. There must be some reason that I don't understand. I won't stop you. But it's dangerous to leave without taking anything along. Hey, I think there's some stuff in the locker room that you should get. I'll help you get out of here..."

Jeff paused for a moment. "Thanks, Tony. You're a good friend." He said.

Tony just smiled.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Jeff and Tony stepped out of their room, overhearing some boys nearby talking.

"I heard a creature called Tessie lives in the southern lake... I don't believe it! I think someone made a model and placed it in the lake."

"I heard a more interesting story than the rumor about Tessie. It's about the Big Foots at Stonehenge. Many claim to have actually seen them."

"I wonder if the rumor is true... that the center of Stonehenge has an entrance leading someplace. Someday, we should check it out."

"Oh, Jeff!" Tony spoke up. "My birthday is tomorrow. You'll miss it, so let's stop by the room next door for something."

"Uh... Sure."

In the room next door, the floor was littered with wrapped bundles.

"I'm so sleepy..." one of the two boys in the room said. "Tony's birthday party is tomorrow. I wrapped all the cookies for everyone with all my heart."

"Bill, Jeff won't be here for my birthday tomorrow." Tony began. "Can he have his cookie early?"

"Don't see why not. But where will he be?" Bill asked.

"The dean is sending him on a field expedition to Stonehenge, so he'll be gone a while." he explained.

"Oh. Lucky him. Sure, he can have his cookie early. Just look for the one with Jeff's name on it."

"Oh, and you should go visit Maxwell before you leave." Bill's roommate interjected. "He always looks out for the younger students."

"Good idea. Where is he?" Tony asked.

"Should be downstairs in the science lab. He's been working on a project all night."

"Thanks, Ted."

"No problem. Just be careful out there. These days there are many dangerous animals wandering around outside."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Sure enough, they found Maxwell in the science lab.

"Oh, Jeff and Tony. You startled me." He said, turning away from the chalkboard he was writing on and facing them. "Are you looking for a late night snack? I'm having some trouble with my project. If only Dr. Andonuts were here... He'd be able to provide a great deal of help. I heard he's an astounding person. He was the first leader of our Ultra Science Club... I heard he's greater than Einstein or Heisenberg. Rumor has it he's also very strange."

"Yeah, great, Maxwell. Jeff's going on a little field expedition. Would you mind allowing him to take a few things from your locker?"

"Oh, sure. Here's the key. It's a little bent, though."

"Thanks, Maxwell." Tony said, taking the key.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Jeff and Tony went to the locker room, finding the key didn't fit in the lock, it was too bent. They returned to Maxwell. The older student turned when he saw the two enter the science lab.

"Hah, ha, ha. The key didn't work, did it? I thought that might be the case. Here, you can have one of my old inventions. The 'machine that opens doors, especially when you have a slightly bad key.' Sorry for the inconvenience."

He reached into his pocket and tossed Jeff a small device.

"This thing can open any door or lock?" Tony asked, amazed.

"Yep." He turned to Jeff. "If you are Dr. Andonuts' son, you should be able to repair small tools and make them useful, too. Just try to keep a positive attitude."

"Thanks, Maxwell. This'll surely be useful for Jeff on his field expedition."

"Any time."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They returned to the locker room and opened Maxwell's locker, grabbing the laser gun Jeff had lent to him, along with a few other small tools and provisions from Jeff and Tony's own lockers. Fully supplied, the two boys walked outside, Tony running ahead and kneeling in front of the gate.

"Okay, now use me as a step and climb over the gate." The boy instructed.

Jeff nodded, climbing onto Tony's back and reaching for the top of the gate.

"Well... I'll say goodbye for now. I don't know where you're going or why, but remember, we are best friends forever."

Jeff climbed over the gate, landing hard on the other side.

"See ya, Tony. Thanks for the help." Jeff said to his friend.

Tony just smiled, turning and heading back into the boarding school.

First stop, Jeff headed for the nearby drugstore.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Inside, Jeff found, of all things, a monkey by the entrance. He walked up to a nearby lady next to a table lined with stacks of bubble gum packs.

"Uh... What's with the monkey?" he asked.

"You can have him if you want. He's really noisy. You'll just have to buy a pack of bubble gum first."

"Bubble gum? Why?"

"The monkey loves bubble gum. It's just a dollar."

Well, Jeff had two dollars on his person, so he bought a pack of bubble gum. Hopefully this monkey could fight. Boy, was Jeff surprised when he gave the monkey a piece of bubble gum, and it floated using a bubble it blew.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Jeff ended up fighting crows, stray dogs, and goats on his way down to Lake Tess. The Bubble Monkey was semi-useful against the dogs and crows, but his punches and scratches barely did anything to the goats. They were too gruff.

At Lake Tess, Jeff found a bunch of tents set up, people with binoculars wandering about and gazing out at the lake.

"What's going on here?" he asked.

One of the people lowered their binoculars to talk to him.

"We're the Tessie-Watching Club. We're here at Lake Tess waiting to see Tessie."

"Really? You think Tessie exists?"

"Of course! And I heard that the wind is always blowing when Tessie appears."

"Uh... Yeah. Do you know a way to cross the lake? I need to head south." Jeff asked.

"Hm... No idea. None of us own a boat. But you can stay the night in one of our tents. Our chef is even preparing some stew."

"Well... I guess that's all right. Thanks."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Hey, Ness?"

"Ha! What? Ha!"

Paula was still in her meditative pose, hoping to contact their new friend the next time he fell asleep. Ness... was practicing her baseball swing. It was completely dark in the cavern, though... Ness couldn't keep PK Flash Alpha going all the time, and they'd been in there for hours.

"You seem to not like this hero business..."

"Ha! Of course not. Ha! Why?"

"Well... I'm just wondering... why you're doing this when you clearly don't like it."

"Ha!... Ha!... Ha... Phew..."

Paula's eyes had adjusted to the point where she could make out the faint outline of Ness in the darkness, and found the teenaged tomboy walking over to sit next to her.

"Because... I repay my debts."

"You... repay your debts?"

"I was just a normal punk teenager in Onett until just about a week ago... Sure, I had telekinesis and animal telepathy, but I didn't have any big dreams or anything. Then... this psychic warrior named Buzz Buzz shows up on an otherwise normal summer night."

"You've mentioned Buzz Buzz. Who was he?"

"He was from ten years in the future. From what I heard, it seemed like he was some sort of hero past his prime. But he saved my life when a robot from the future was sent to kill me. Buzz Buzz was supposed to accompany me on my quest to save the world... But he died before he could carry out his mission."

"Oh... I'm so sorry... So, you feel like you owe a debt to him?"

"Of course I do. He saved my life. I never got a chance to return the favor. The least I can do is carry out this mission for him..."

"But... You're a teenaged rebel. Since when does that mean you pay your debts?"

"Please, Paula. Don't insult me. I may be a punk, but I still have a sense of honor that I live by. It's how I walk my own path. And that honor also means that I always repay my debts. And saving my life is the biggest debt to repay."

"Hm..."

"I know, you probably think my reasons are stupid. Sometimes I wonder if all this is really worth a simple debt to a robotic bee."

"Robotic bee?"

"Buzz Buzz. Anyway, when I think about giving this all up and going back to my normal life... I think about how Buzz Buzz saved my life, and how I never had a chance to repay him."

"I'd think the fact that all your friends and family are going to be killed by Giygas would be a bigger motivator..."

"You'd think, but that hardly matters to me. I have a code of honor that I live by. That doesn't mean I'm obligated to protect the people I care about. But it means I'm obligated to repay my debts."

Paula smiled, though she didn't think Ness could see it in this darkness. "You're a very complex person, Ness."

"Don't I know it? Now, you better get back to contacting the guy who's gonna save our asses. I'm getting back to practicing my Ness Home Run."

"Sure. If you get hungry, there's some calorie sticks inside Kumashi."

"Sure, that sounds... Wait, _inside_ your teddy bear?"

"Oh, yes. Kumashi is really a teddy bear backpack. His straps just broke off."

"Uh... Okay, then. Back to my Ness Home Run it is..."

Paula just giggled.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

("You are a friend who I have never met before... Jeff... Head south... I am Paula... If you hear this message, go to the south...")

Jeff awoke with another message from that girl. The Bubble Monkey was bouncing up and down, making monkey noises.

"What is it? What do you want?" Jeff asked the monkey. He wasn't sure why. Not like monkeys could talk.

The monkey ran outside, leaving Jeff to run out after him.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Outside, the wind was blowing hard. All of the Tessie-watchers were staring out at a whirlpool in the lake.

"This is what we've been waiting for!" one cheered. "Finally... it's coming out!" He promptly farted. "Excuse me. Anyway, Tessie is emerging!"

Jeff followed the Bubble Monkey to a peninsula in the lake, right next to the whirlpool. It immediately began making monkey noises at him.

("Give me some gum now. I'll take care of everything")

"What is it you want?" Jeff asked. "I don't understand what you're trying to say."

The monkey pointed at Jeff's fanny pack, so Jeff began pulling things out. When he pulled out the pack of bubble gum, the Bubble Monkey pointed at it.

"Oh, you want a piece of gum? Here you go."

Jeff handed him a piece of gum. The monkey chewed it a bit before blowing a bubble and... floating over to right above the whirlpool? And out came... A big purple dinosaur? Tessie?! Tessie was real?!

The Bubble Monkey landed on Tessie's head, which then swam over to the shore. The monkey pointed at Tessie's back. Shrugging nervously, Jeff climbed aboard the lake monster's back, holding on for dear life as it swam south down the shore of the lake.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Tessie dropped them off on the southern shore of the lake, and Jeff couldn't be happier to be on dry land again. His legs wobbly, he walked to the south, the Bubble Monkey in tow.

They found a cave farther south, with a sign next to it that read 'This dungeon has no entrance fee. Come on in!'

Dungeon? With no other way to go, Jeff entered.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They walked in to find a maze with walls made of boulders too high to climb over and too tightly-packed to squeeze between. It was populated with mice that frequently got lucky shots, crazy ducks that didn't do much aside from fall down, and blue blobs of protoplasm that didn't seem very valuable. Right by the entrance was a sign that read 'Welcome to my modest dungeon!', signed by 'Brick Road.'

At the end was a sign that read 'Way to go. Please come back again.', signed by 'Brick Road.'

Curious if 'Brick Road' was a person or not, Jeff and the Bubble Monkey left the 'modest dungeon.'

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Exiting the dungeon, they found a balding man in overalls with a mustache.

"Maybe it was too easy...?" he said.

"Whoa! Who are you?" Jeff exclaimed, having not noticed him until he spoke.

"My name's Brick Road, the dungeon developer. I've devoted my life to making dungeons."

"Um... Why?"

"It's my passion in life. And by combining my skills with Dr. Andonuts' intelligence, I can become 'Dungeon Man,' the first combination of human and dungeon in history. Let's meet again once I have become Dungeon Man."

"Uh... Sure. I better go, though."

"Sure. See you."

Wow, that guy was a lunatic.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Jeff came to another cave, where he was mostly attacked by slugs that couldn't concentrate enough to use psychic attacks, more mice that got a lot of lucky shots, and walking mushrooms that seemed a little absentminded...

Jeff was worried for a minute when he needed to climb up. There was a rope for him to use, but it was coiled up at the top of the cliff. The Bubble monkey began jumping up and down and making monkey noises.

"What is it? You know I have no idea what you're trying to say."

The monkey pointed to Jeff's fanny pack again. "Oh, you want another piece of gum? Can you float up and lower the rope for me?"

The monkey nodded. So Jeff gave him a piece of gun, and he blew a bubble, floating up to the top of the cliff and lowering the rope.

"Thanks, monkey."

At the top of the cliff, Jeff saw a giant mushroom guarding a nearby exit, but it seemed to be ignoring him. So Jeff made his way to the left, out the other exit.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Outside, Jeff and the Bubble Monkey came face to face with a monkey with a ribbon on her head. The Bubble Monkey began making monkey noises again.

("Now she's my type... I think I'll ask her for a date!")

The Bubble Monkey scurried off after her, following her up the cliff and into the woods.

"Hey. Where are you going?" Jeff called to the Bubble Monkey. "Why are you leaving? Hey!"

Ugh... Whatever. Sighing, Jeff made his way through Stonehenge, sneaking around the tough-looking Big Foots and polar bears. Soon, he found himself at Dr. Andonuts' lab... His father's lab...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Jeff walked in to find Dr. Andonuts writing equations on a chalkboard. He took a deep breath. This would be his first time meeting his father in ten years. So, walking up, he tapped the man on the shoulder.

"Hi... Dr. Andonuts..."

The brilliant scientist turned around. "Mr. Brick Road, the dungeon maker, referred you, right?"

"Um... It's me, Jeff. Your... Your son..."

"And not only that... What? Who? My son? Oh... I... can't... I can't believe it..." He lowered his glasses to get a look at the teenaged boy. "You're Jeff, my son. It's been maybe ten years since I last saw you. You were only five years old at the time... I'm so glad you're such a healthy boy. Uh, those glasses look good on you. How about a donut."

"Uh... No thanks..."

"Well, I was only offering... I'd also like a donut right about now. Have you already checked out Stonehenge?"

"I passed by it on my way here, I guess..."

"Well, at least I asked... Mmmm... mmhmm... okay. By the way, why are you here?"

"Dr. Andonuts... I need to get to Threed in Eagleland. A girl named Paula told me in my dreams to go there and save her... I think she's psychic, or something."

"Oh, I see. That girl named Paula must have sensed I was here. Okay, I'll try to help you out. I'm trying to make a Phase Distorter that can connect two points in space and time. It's still incomplete. I'll let you use another invention I call the Sky Runner. It's a little bit old but it'll certainly help. When you board, always listen for the message that comes from your destination. You'll get there for sure if you listen to the message. The round machine over there is the Sky Runner. What do you think? Isn't it neat? Get in! Let's get together again in ten years or so."

Jeff just sighed. "Uh... Thanks... Dr. Andonuts..."

So much for the happy reunion with his father... Jeff walked over to the Sky Runner and climbed inside.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Jeff watched as the Sky Runner flew out of Dr. Andonuts' lab and into the sky, high above the clouds. It lowered from the sky, dipping through a big city, then back into the clouds. When it lowered again, it was over a desert, then rose above the clouds again. Finally, when it lowered one last time, it was in a very gloomy-looking city that was oddly dark despite it being the middle of the day. It flew in a swirl pattern above the town, eventually centering on the western half of the graveyard. Jeff figured it would land safely, but then it flew up and... rammed into the ground.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness and Paula got up when they heard a loud crash, and saw light pouring into the cave. Some sort of... round machine was lying broken on the floor, while a fairly charred boy climbed out of it.

"Ness! Hurry, heal him!" Paula urged.

"Why? I don't even know him."

The boy picked himself up off the ground, coughing. "Man, oh, man, did that ever scare me!... The Sky Runner... I guess it took a little damage while landing... Oh well..."

Jeff limped over to where Ness and Paula stood, Paula staring in shock, Ness in indifference.

"Uh... You don't have to explain a thing... I'm Jeff. I came because you called me. I'm not very strong, really near-sighted, kind of shy, and I tend to be a little reckless. This is just the way I am... I hope you want me to be your friend... Okay?"

"Paula... You got us a nerd?" Ness flatlined.

Paula slapped Ness on the arm, sending her a glare, then walked up and took Jeff's hand in hers. "Of course we want to be your friend. We're lucky to have you, Jeff."

Jeff blushed at the contact. "All right! Let's get back to the journey, then!"

Paula smiled. "I'm Paula, and that's Ness. It's very nice to meet you, Jeff."

"Paula... You got us a nerd?" Ness repeated.

"Ness! Be nice!" Paula scolded.

"Paula... You got me a fucking nerd?" Ness flatlined.

Jeff stared at the ground, sighing.

"What kind of psychic powers do you have, nerd?" Ness asked.

"I... don't have any psychic powers..."

"What. Paula, you got me a fucking nerd who doesn't even have any goddamn psychic powers? What use is he to us?"

Jeff sighed. Paula reassured him by giving him a hug, making him blush.

"Jeff has other skills that we don't. Have faith in our new friend, Ness."

"Okay... Well, new friend, how do we get out now? The door is locked."

"Oh, I have something for that."

Jeff walked up to the iron door, taking out the bad key machine and unlocking the door.

"Uh... Dude. Where'd you get a key?" Ness asked.

"The bad key machine opens any lock, actually."

Ness smiled. "You might have your uses, after all. Let's go, nerd."

Paula giggled.


	8. Chapter 7: BOING

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 7:** BOING

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The group, now of three instead of two, made their way to the circus tent at the center of town to talk to the Zombie Relief Corps.

"Where were you two?" one asked them. "And where'd that boy come from?"

"We saw an object fly through the sky that looked like it was straight out of a Saturday morning cartoon."

"This circus tent has been at the center of town for a long time. I saw another tent to the south. I wonder when it went up?"

"Okay, first off, we were captured. Second, that flying object was how this nerd here got to this town. He flew in it. Third, we'll go check out the tent right away. Let's go, team." Ness explained.

"Is she always like this?" Jeff asked.

"Worse, usually." Paula sighed.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They found a scuzzy-looking kid wandering around near the tent to the south.

"Hey!" he called them over.

"You seem to be an outsider, so I'll fill you in. The truth is, I joined the monsters' side. I'm working for them now. The humans seem like they're gonna lose, don't they? The best way to protect myself was to join the zombies' side. Their big boss guy is having us gather up stuff called 'fly honey'. 'Fly honey' is honey gathered by flies. When bees gather it, it's 'bee honey'. When flies gather it, it's 'fly honey'. Apparently, the monsters' big boss guy is super strong because he eats the stuff. There's a whole load of it gathered up inside that monster tent there, so we're gonna go deliver it to him real soon now."

Ness crossed her arms under her breasts. "You're despicable."

"Hey, I do what I need to survive. You have no right to judge me."

"Ugh."

Ness turned and walked away, Paula and Jeff in tow.

"What are we gonna do, Ness?" Paula asked.

"We're gonna fight that monster tent and take that fly honey for ourselves."

"Uh... Why?" Jeff asked.

"We can use it against the zombie boss. If he goes crazy for this stuff, we can probably distract him with it."

"Um... Are you sure that'll work?" Jeff pressed.

"I'm the boss, so what I say, goes!" Ness exclaimed.

"Uh... Yes, ma'am..."

Jeff stared at the ground, sighing. Paula placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, reassuring him with a smile. Jeff managed a small smile as well.

They walked up to the tent, finding it had no visible opening. But... then a face appeared on it... and it roared.

Ness ran forward and beat it with her bat, finding the monster tent was fairly solid. Jeff whipped his laser gun out and began shooting, while Paula summoned a wave of fire and sent it flying at the tent. The tent showed no visible reaction to being lit ablaze, but released a flash of light that blinded each of them.

Ness brought her fingers to her temple and fired a PK Rockin Beta at it, sending the tent skidding across the dirt it sat on as pieces of it tore.

The tent seemed to intermittently emit a pale green light that didn't seem to do anything, but other than that the only danger of getting hurt was Ness swinging her bat wildly while blinded.

"Ness! P-Please! Heal my eyes!" Jeff pleaded.

"What? Why should I?" Ness called.

"Because I can finish this!"

"You? Ha! Fine, then. PK Healing Alpha!"

Ness cast the psychic spell on each of them. Jeff, now able to see again, reached into his fanny pack and pulled out... a bottle rocket? Lighting it, he sent it flying at the monster tent, which swerved and hit the part of it that was on fire, exploding violently.

With a roar of pain, the monster tent fell to shreds, becoming little more than a pile of tarp. In the middle of the remains was a trash can, which Ness rooted around in and found a jar of... honey? She opened it, but immediately put the lid back on. It kinda stank... Shrugging, she put the jar in her backpack.

"That was pretty cool, nerd." Ness told him, hefting her bat over her shoulder.

"Yeah, I didn't know you could use bottle rockets." Paula told him, smiling.

Jeff blushed. "They're pretty easy to use if you know how."

"See, Ness? I told you he would be a valuable member of our team!" Paula cheered.

"Yeah, yeah. But that fight wasn't that dangerous. The thing couldn't even move or attack directly. So I'm still not that impressed."

Jeff sighed, gazing down at the ground, but a pat on the shoulder from Paula raised his spirits a little.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

As they made their way back to the hotel, Ness' receiver phone started ringing. Pulling it out, she pressed the button to accept the call and held it up to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is Apple Kid. I just wanted to let you know that I finished a pretty unique invention. I'm not sure if it will help you or not... It's called 'zombie paper,' and it attracts zombies using electrical signals so you can trap them. It works kind of like fly paper... All you need to do is place the device somewhere and line the floor with the paper, and then the zombies get stuck to the paper when they approach the device making the electrical signals. You can catch a lot of zombies this way... In fact, I bet you could get rid of all the zombies that are terrorizing the area with this device!" He paused. "Anyway, I just asked the Mach Pizza delivery man to deliver the zombie paper device to you, Ness. You should get it pretty soon. I've never actually seen a zombie, but if there really are any, zombie paper would be very useful... I'll be calling you if I come up with anything else..."

Apple Kid hung up.

"Who was that?" Jeff asked.

"Apple Kid. He's an inventor. Helped me out once before."

"Zombie Paper? That sounds oddly relevant..." Paula mused.

"Yeah, no kidding." Ness agreed.

The trio continued on their way to the hotel, where they were soon approached by the Mach Pizza delivery man.

"While delivering pizza, this weird guy asked me to help him out..." he began. "He wanted me to deliver this to someone named Ness, who is wandering around Threed. No one else knows about this, right? Let's just pretend that you're Ness, and I'll give this to you."

"Huh?"

"Oh! Hello, Ness! Just go along with me on this one, okay? I made the decision that you're Ness, no matter what..."

"But I really am-"

He shoved a box into Ness' hands. "That's right, Ness..." He winked twice. "I've done my duty and given you Apple Kid's thingamajig... Well, goodbye!"

The man turned and walked away. Okay... that was weird.

Opening the box, Ness found a small device with an antenna and a whole stack of sticky paper. Hm... Let's hope the range of these electrical signals could cover the whole town.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness and friends entered the tent used as the headquarters of the Zombie Relief Corps, Paula placing the electrical signal device on the table in the center of the tent, Jeff and Ness laying down the paper all over the floor.

"What are you doing?" one of the Zombie Relief Corps asked.

"This is zombie paper. We're going to use it to lure all the zombies into one spot and trap them." Ness explained.

"So you're going to use this tent as a trap..."

"Well, we'll give it a try. It's better than nothing, I guess."

"Don't worry. You'll see. Tomorrow morning, this tent will have a bunch of zombies stuck to the floor." Paula assured them.

"That sounds pretty gross." one noted, shivering.

Paula just giggled.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The chosen three went to the hotel and spent the night there. Though... Paula insisted they get a separate room from Jeff, saying girls and boys sharing a room together wasn't 'proper.' And... Ness sleeping naked grossed Paula out, and the tomboy refused to wear anything to bed, so she wanted a separate room from her, too. But she wouldn't let Ness and Jeff sleep in the same room... So Ness ended up having to shell out a hundred and sixty bucks for three rooms. Shit... Paula's conservative nature was gonna make Ness go broke. Luckily her dad was sending plenty of money to her bank account, but she still felt bad using so much of daddy's money when it could've been avoided. Another reason she was at odds with the other female on her team...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They went back to the tent in the center of town to find the members of the Zombie Relief Corps cheering outside.

"Did it work?" Ness asked as she ran up.

"You bet! We caught a bunch of zombies!" one cheered.

"Look inside the tent!" another suggested.

Ness, Paula, and Jeff took a look inside the tent, and sure enough there were quite a lot of zombies stuck to the floor.

"We also checked the underground path in the back of the cemetery. The zombies guarding it are gone!" One of the Zombie Relief Corps exclaimed.

"Sweet! Let's go, everyone." Ness said, cracking her knuckles.

"She seems eager..." Jeff noted.

Paula just giggled.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Just beyond the graveyard was a ladder leading down to an underground path. It wasn't natural. There were even stairs carved into the path. Near the bottom of the stairs was a ghost that tried to possess them, but Paula blasted it with a PK Freeze Beta.

They passed through two caverns teeming with zombies, zombie dogs, and flies. They proved tough to beat, but Ness finally returned them to the dust of the earth with a PK Rockin' Beta.

At the end of the underground path, they found some sort of... pink pile of puke with a face? It slithered up to them.

"Gyork! Gyork! Since you had fly honey, I considered you a friend. But actually, you're just a commoner! I am the mortal enemy of your kind."

"Uh... Okay?" Ness dismissed.

"I'm not letting you past me!"

"Oh, you wanna fight. Let's go, then."

The pile of puke exhaled some kind of smelly gas at them, and it was then Ness wished Paula had aerokinesis. It was so smelly, it actually brought tears to her eyes. Ness charged forward and smashed the puke pile with her bat, but it didn't prove very effective, as the puke pile just reformed. Paula used PK Freeze Beta to shoot a wave of ice at it, which proved pretty effective as its slimy body solidified, but it spit out some kind of mucus that bound Paula against the rock wall. It didn't stop her from firing another wave of ice that this time froze the puke pile solid. Jeff shot a bottle rocket at its frozen body, shattering it into pieces. Paula got free from the mucus, and just as they were about to cheer, the broken pieces of the puke pile reformed.

"I wanted to get your fly honey and gulp it down. Master Belch and I love fly honey. Gyorg gyorg!" it said.

Ness, Paula, and Jeff readied themselves for another fight, but then... the pile of puke released a torrent of smoke and just... evaporated.

"Nice job, team. Now... Onward!" Ness directed.

Paula and Jeff looked at each other and shared a brief laugh.

"What's so funny, you two?" Ness questioned.

"Nothing. Just your oddly eager attitude."

"Well, I wanna get rid of this jar of fly honey soon. So let's go fight this Belch guy and be done with it."

"Sure thing... boss." Paula teased.

"That's right I'm the boss! Now shut up and fall in line, troops!"

"Yes, ma'am." Jeff sighed. A pat on the shoulder from Paula lifted his spirits a little.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They exited the underground tunnel and found themselves on a grassy path between tall cliffs. Rounding the corner, they found a man standing against the cliff wall. He was carrying a large pack on his back, possibly a hiker?

"You must have a long road ahead of you, do you not?" he asked. "No, there is no need to explain. I already know... you must be hungry. This is good timing for you. I happen to be carrying something to eat. What would you like?"

The man took his pack off his back and laid out some food. Notably, some croissants, calorie sticks, and a thermos of coffee with paper cups to pour it into.

"Come to think of it, our food supplies are running a little low, and we'll be out in the wilderness for a while." Ness pointed out.

"Excellent! Take your pick. My prices are very fair."

So, they picked up some croissants, calorie sticks, and he poured them each a cup of coffee.

"If you want to fully recover, there is a village full of... interesting people... just ahead. Go there and take a good rest. I have heard that the name of this village is Saturn Valley, but it cannot be found on any map."

"Hm... Didn't know there was a village back here behind Threed. We'll check it out. Thanks, buddy." Ness thanked the man.

"I enjoy helping those who are in trouble... though I charge them for _my_ trouble."

As they walked, they encountered a frog that seemed to... well, it was like it had really hard skin. Ness' bat and Paula's frying pan did very little against it. Luckily a PK Freeze Beta froze it to death.

They walked through a cave along the way, getting jumped by some oddly violent cockroaches. On the other side of the cave, they found a valley of high cliffs with odd houses and... uh... Little men? Well, not really men... They were more like heads with feet, whiskers, and a single hair on the top of their head with a ribbon on it. Ness walked up to one, not sure if it was an animal or person.

"Uh... Hi?"

"WE FEEL GROOVE!" it said, in a very unusual voice and accent. "HI HO. ME MR. SATURN. THIS PLACE, ALL ARE MR. SATURN."

"Uh... Okay?"

"ONCE UPON A TIME, WE WERE MANY, MANY. EVERYDAY, SLOWLY ARE LESS, LESS."

"Uh... Why?"

"WHY? HMMMM... BOING!"

Boing? Shrugging, Ness went over to a nearby building and knocked on the door.

"KAY-O, YOU COME IN NOW!" a voice called from inside... the same voice from the creature they just talked to. Stepping inside, they found some tea cups on the floor, a ladder that lead to a phone, and some arm chairs.

"DO YOU WANT SLUMBER?" the Mr. Saturn inside asked, and he looked just like the Mr. Saturn from the entrance.

"Is this an inn?" Ness asked.

"YES. BOING!"

"How much?"

"FREE OF CHARGE. ZOOM!"

"Really? Uh... thanks."

"IF YOU UNWELL, SEE MR. SATURN DOCTOR. DR. SATURN CAN REPAIR YOUR BODY."

"Uh... We'll keep him in mind."

"KAY-O"

So, they stayed the night.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They left the free inn and headed into a nearby cave, finding it teemed with Mr. Saturns. One waddled up to them.

"SCARY, SCARY GUY, BOING! GRAPEFRUIT FALLS! SCARY, SICK, BARFY... GO AND... LA LA LA! DING! SCARY!"

"Grapefruit falls? Is that were Belch is?" Ness asked.

"BASE... SECRET. BASE BEHIND GRAPEFRUIT FALLS. PASSWORD? I TELL. BELCH MAN SAY 'SAY PASSWORD.' THEN STAND STILL, WAIT FOR THREE MINUTES."

"Really? Thanks, um... Mr. Saturn." Paula thanked the bizarre creature.

"LOTS OF FRIENDS... TAKEN BEHIND FALLS... WHY? WHY? BOING!"

"You mean Belch kidnapped some of you?" Jeff asked in alarm.

"YES. ZOOM! SHOP UP LADDER. WE SELL GOOD THINGS. BOING!"

"Oh, a store? Great! We can restock our supplies before we go to save those captured Mr. Saturns." Paula suggested.

Ness wasn't sure they could trust anything these bizarre creatures ate...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They walked in, finding two Mr. Saturns manning the store. There was a phone up a ladder, as well as a very bizarre-looking ATM machine.

"HI HI HI." one greeted them. "YOU COME BUYING? YOU CAN SELL, TOO. I, MR. SATURN, BOING! CAN DO ALL FOR YOU. WHAT DO YOU WANT ZOOM?"

"Uhhh... What are these little wafers?"

"PEANUT CHEESE BAR. FAVORITE FOOD OF MR. SATURN, ALONG WITH PIGGY JELLY."

"Are they good?" Ness asked.

"HERE, HAVE ONE FOR TRY." He nudged one toward them.

"Uh... You mean for free?"

"IT IS... HOW YOU SAY... FREE SAMPLE, BOING!"

"Kick-ass! Thanks!"

Ness took the peanut cheese bar and nibbled it a little. She immediately devoured the rest of it.

"It's good, Ness?" Paula asked.

"Real good! And judging from the price tag, cheap too!"

"Let's stock up, then!" Paula suggested.

"Can we try the piggy jelly too, Mr. Saturn?" Jeff asked.

"SORRY. PIGGY JELLY ALL OUT OF STOCK. SELL LIKE HOT CAKES, ZOOM."

"Too bad. If it's as good as these peanut cheese bars, I'd love to buy some." Ness explained.

"OH, YOU THANK!"

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They made their way farther up the path between the water and the cliff, fighting zombies, large red ants, and some rather plain-looking crocodiles in addition to the armored frogs from before. They climbed through the water of Grapefruit Falls to find it hollow behind the falls, walking along the path and up to a door. Ness knocked on it.

"Say the password!" a voice answered from the other side.

Now was the hard part. Ness, Paula, and Jeff had to stand completely still for three minutes. It would be hard. They needed to concentrate. They couldn't move a muscle for three minutes.

Luckily, their patience paid off, the guard speaking up when the three minutes were up.

"Okay... you may enter." He said.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

It turned out the guard was a little pile of green slime.

"Did you bring some fly honey?" it asked. "It's Master Belch's favorite."

"Got it right here." Ness told it, pointing to her backpack.

"Okay, you may pass through. Hey, be careful, though! Be sure you don't drop it!" It told them, though it followed them until they climbed down a ladder.

They fought odd red round things with feet and eyes. They weren't that strong, but seemed to attack en masse. Near the center of the building was a conveyer belt with jars of fly honey running along it, Mr. Saturns manning the assembly line with iron balls chained to their legs. Two slimy little piles of green gunk patrolled the other side.

"How horrible!" Paula exclaimed upon seeing the Mr. Saturns acting so happy and cheerful despite how miserable they were.

"We have to save them!" Jeff concurred.

"I don't know..." Ness began. "What did they ever do for us?"

"Ness, how can you say that?" Paula scolded. "The Mr. Saturns in Saturn Valley gave us a room to stay in, doctor's services, and a sample of the peanut cheese bars, all for free!"

"Yeah... I guess you're right. Paula, can you break their chains?"

"I can probably freeze the metal with PK Freeze. But we should definitely take care of the guards first."

Nodding, Ness ran up to one of the slimy little piles, bat at the ready.

"Urp!" the first one said before Ness could reach it. "...It's hard to make the gross sounds that Master Belch does. I know I can't do it."

Ness ignored it and smashed it in with her baseball bat, reducing it to a wad of gunk.

"Hey!" the other slithered up to them. "What was that for?"

"I'm here to free the Mr. Saturns. Now where's Belch? Is he here?" Ness demanded.

"Of course he's here! He's overseeing our operations! Master Belch is the slimiest! However, I heard he's also serving some Giygas guy. That I cannot believe."

Ignoring him, Ness bashed the slimy little pile in with her bat, while Paula used PK Freeze to break the chains of the Mr. Saturns.

"YOU... SAVE US. YOU THANK. SO... HAPPY! FOR REAL THIS TIME" one said.

"Try to make your way back to Saturn Valley, okay?" Paula gently instructed them.

"KAY-O." The Mr. Saturns scurried off.

"You did a good thing, Ness." Paula assured her friend.

"Ugh... This hero crap makes me feel sick. Let's just find this Belch guy and smash his face in."

Paula giggled.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They made it to the end of the factory, finding a huge pile of green slime waiting for them.

"Buurp! So you are Ness?" he asked.

"Yeah, and I'm here to kick your ass, Belch!"

"...I see... Gyork! Gyork! Gyork!" he laughed. "Supposedly there's a prophecy that you will defeat Master Giygas. Heeg! Heeg! Heeg! You make me laugh so hard... If Master Giygas is scared of someone... Buurp!... they would have to be worse than the greatest evil... Garg! Ga! Garg! Ga! Ga! Ga! I'll take you down big time, so get ready for the worst fight of your life! Buurp! Gha gha gha! Get ready to feel the pain of true nausea! Buurp! Ghe ghe! Come on, let's go!"

"Bring it!"

Ness jumped forward and smashed Belch in the head with her bat. It did little aside from bounce off his mound of slime. Paula shot a wave of ice at him with PK Freeze Beta, partially solidifying part of Belch's body. Jeff fired a bottle rocket, which landed and exploded, scattering some of the monster's slime.

"Ha! Your pitiful attacks are useless against me!" Belch roared. Inhaling, he spewed out some sort of green throw-up that completely covered Ness, Paula, and Jeff.

"What is this stuff?" Jeff asked.

"It stinks..." Ness realized.

Paula instead threw up onto the floor.

"Dammit! Paula!" Ness ran over, only to stop and vomit herself.

"Ness! Use the fly honey!"

"Right!"

Vomiting once more, and wishing she hadn't eaten so many peanut cheese bars, Ness reached into her backpack and pulled out the jar of fly honey, throwing it at Belch.

The jar smashed into Belch's face, splattering all over him. He paused, sniffing a little. Then his tongue snaked out of his mouth and he licked his lips. With a roar, he began licking all over his face, lapping up all the fly honey.

"Now's our chance! Let's go, team!" Ness cheered.

Jeff pulled out a bomb and threw it at Belch, blasting away part of his slimy body. Paula brought her fingers to her temples.

"PK Freeze Beta!" she called, sending a wave of ice at Belch.

"PK Rockin' Beta!"

Ness launched a psychokinetic shockwave at Belch, blasting away more of his slimy body.

"Ness! Get your bat ready!" she instructed, wiping some vomit away from her mouth. She brought her fingers to her temples, staring intently at the teenaged tomboy. "Offense Up Alpha!" she announced.

Ness felt an intense strength filling her body up. Gripping her bat tightly, she ran forward, swinging with all her might. Her weapon smashed right through the slime monster's head, what was left of his body bursting into a spray of green slime that covered the three teenagers. Heavily drained, and covered in filth, Ness fell to her knees, panting.

Paula walked up, reaching into her teddy bear. "Peanut cheese bar?" she offered.

Ness promptly threw up again.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

As they left Belch's factor, they found a cave tunnel where some Mr. Saturns were escaping through. On the other side was Saturn Valley, only this time they were on a high cliff with a hot spring.

"GO IN HOT SPRING." A nearby Mr. Saturn offered. "WASH BARF OFF YOU BODY!"

"That sounds heavenly..." Paula sighed. "Ness, let's let Jeff go fir-"

She turned to see Ness slipping her puke-stained shirt up over her head and dropping her shorts. Paula ran over and covered Jeff's eyes.

"Ness! What are you doing?!" Paula exclaimed.

"I'm getting ready to take a dip in the hot spring. What's it look like?" Ness replied, climbing into the water and slipping in up to her breasts.

"Why are you getting naked for that?!"

"Because it's a hot spring. You're supposed to be naked." Ness dismissed.

"But there's a boy here! And we should get the barf washed off our clothes at the same time!"

"But then when we get out, we might get pneumonia, right?"

"Ness... You're just impossible..."

"And you're a prude. Get over it."

Paula just seethed, while a confused Jeff blushed at what was being said.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The hot springs cured their nausea completely, and even rinsed the vomit from their clothes. They got out, finding a Mr. Saturn waddle up to them.

"ALL HOME NOW! IMPRESSED! SOMEDAY, SOMETIME, WE HELP YOU."

"Uh... Thanks, Mr. Saturn." Ness told him.

"DRINK COFFEE BEFORE GO? SAY YES TO ME? SAY NO TO ME?"

"Uh... Sure."

"BOTTOMS UP! BOING!"

The Mr. Saturn passed each of the three a cup of coffee, which Ness began to sip. Then... something strange happened.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"You've traveled very far from home..."

"Do you remember how your long and winding journey began with someone pounding at your door? It was Porky, the worst person in your neighborhood, who knocked on the door that fateful night."

"On your way, you have walked, thought, and fought. Yet through all this, you have never lost your courage. You have grown steadily stronger, though you have experienced the pain of battle many times."

"You are no longer alone in your adventure. Paula, who is steadfast, kind, and even pretty, is always at your side. Jeff is with you as well. Though he is timid, he came from a distant land to help you. Ness, as you certainly know by now, you are not a regular young woman... You have an awesome destiny to fulfill."

"The journey from this point will be long, and it will be more difficult than anything you have undergone to this point. Yet, I know you will be all right. When good battles evil, which side do you believe wins? Do you have faith that good is triumphant?"

"One thing you must never lose is courage. If you believe in the goal you are striving for, you will be courageous. There are many difficult times ahead, but you must keep your sense of humor, work through the tough situations, and enjoy yourself."

"When you have finished this cup of coffee, your adventure will begin again. Next, you must pass through a vast desert and proceed to the big city of Fourside."

"Ness..."

"Paula..."

"Jeff..."

"I wish you luck..."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Okay, that was weird. Such psychedelic imagery, trippy words from an unknown party, and calming music.

"Hey, Mr. Saturn..." Jeff spoke up.

"YES?"

"I'm kinda curious... where do you get the milk to make the cheese for your peanut cheese bars? I haven't noticed any cows around, and it doesn't seem like you get imports from other towns."

"MILKY WELL."

"Milky Well?"

"BEHIND SATURN VALLEY. DING! DING! COLLECT MILK FROM SPRING. DOESN'T FEEL LIKE OUR PLACE. MAYBE YOUR PLACE?"

"Hmm... That sounds like one of those 'my Sanctuaries.'" Ness mused, rubbing her hands together.

"Her Sanctuary?" Jeff asked.

"Eight power spots on the Earth that Ness can absorb the energy of. We've found two so far. And it looks like we'll find the third now." Paula explained.


	9. Chapter 8: Good as Gold

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 8:** Good as Gold

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The cave led them to a path through the forested mountains, fighting walking mushrooms, walking sprouts, and odd artichoke-like creatures, most of which were skilled in psychic attacks. At the end of the mountain path was another cave, and at the end they found an exit guarded by a huge mound of dirt with a mouth, a single sprout with eyes sticking out of the top of the mound. It roared, summoning a flash of light with PK Flash Alpha.

"PK Shield Sigma!" Paula shouted, spreading a purple shield across all of them that absorbed the light.

"Paula! That move!" Ness exclaimed. It was the same as Buzz Buzz's...

"I know, I guess I just realized it. Now let's fight this thing!"

Jeff took out a bomb and threw it at the sprout, exploding and blasting away some of the dirt, revealing a bit of roots. Ness brought her fingers to her temples and sent a psychokinetic shockwave forward, further blasting away more dirt and revealing more roots.

"Paula! Go for it!" Ness instructed.

"PK Fire Beta!"

Paula sent a wave of fire forward, which caught the sprout and its revealed roots ablaze. With a roar of pain, it was reduced to ashes.

Well, that wasn't too difficult.

Stepping through the exit, they found themselves in front of a small pond full of milk, a small stone spraying a fountain of the stuff. Ness heard the melody in her mind as all their injuries and weariness was eased. Then... She could've sworn she heard her mother speak from far away. She said 'be a thoughtful, strong girl...'

With that done, the group made their way back to Saturn Valley.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When they got back to Threed, they were surprised to find it so bright out. None of the perpetual nighttime from before. The members of the Zombie Relief Corps ran up to them.

"Thank you for bringing peace and happiness back to Threed. Thanks! Peace! Love!"

"I really didn't think you kids could have saved the town. Who would have ever imagined it?"

"I won't forget you. Won't you come back to Threed sometime?"

"Since the leader of the monsters is gone, the ghosts in the tunnel have disappeared. The buses can get through the tunnel now."

"Then I guess we're on to Fourside." Paula pointed out.

As they walked through the town, numerous people ran up to them to thank them. Kids, previously forced to hide in their homes, were kicking balls across the street now, and even playing hide and seek in the previously deadly cemetery. A younger boy even ran up and gave her a kiss on the cheek. The town was bright again, and not just because the sunlight had returned. And looking at all these happy people... Ness couldn't help but smile, a warmth building inside her. Helping people felt... good. She hated it at first, but maybe... just maybe... she could get used to this hero stuff.

As they neared the bus stop, they passed a man in a black suit and hat, who called them over.

"Hi. I'm a detective from Twoson. This golden statue was stolen from the Happy-Happyism headquarters. Do you have any clues for me?"

"That golden statue that Mr. Agerate dug up was stolen from Carpainter?" Ness asked in disbelief.

"Wait, didn't Mr. Everdred say he was looking for it? He's a thief, isn't he?" Paula added.

"You two will have to explain some more things to me..." Jeff sighed.

"Don't try to feed me your lies, kids. Now be on with you." the detective dismissed.

Okay...?

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They got on the bus in Threed, which was finally able to make its full run. They passed through two tunnels, finally emerging on a highway in the desert. But... then the bus stopped.

"Hey! Why is the bus stopping?!" Ness demanded.

"Ness! Don't be rude!" Paula scolded.

"Take a look!" the bus driver called to the three teenagers.

They got up and saw that there were two long lines of cars ahead... none of them moving.

"Man! It's bumper to bumper!" Jeff exclaimed.

"My job is to drive, so I can't get off the bus... It's up to you if you want to get off the bus and walk around in the desert."

"I guess we'll have to..." Paula sighed.

"Hey, it's a free country."

The three climbed out of the bus, staggering when they went from the air conditioned interior to the desert heat. The bus backed away a bit, made a U-turn, and headed in the direction it came. The kids found several people wandering around outside their cars, so Ness walked up to one of them who was still in his car, and seemed to be at the very back of the line of cars.

"Welcome to the ass-end of the world's longest traffic jam!" he greeted them.

"Yeah... Any idea what's causing it?" the teenaged tomboy asked.

One of the other people wandering around outside his car walked up. "I heard that a little ways ahead, a herd of buffalo is running across the road. I can't move an inch!"

"Hm... Maybe we should wait out this traffic jam..." Jeff suggested.

"Screw that, nerd! We're walking through this goddamn desert!" Ness exclaimed.

Jeff sighed, looking down at the ground, but Paula put a hand on his arm to comfort him. "Ness. I'm sure that if we show a little patience, we can just walk safely along this highway after the cars start moving again..."

"Well, I'm not a patient woman, Paula. C'mon. We're walking through this desert."

Paula sighed. Ness was technically their leader, so... It looked like they had a trek through the desert ahead of them.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They walked back toward Threed, stopping by a drug store. Ness perused the wares for sale.

"Wet towel? What the fuck is that for?" she asked.

A man approached her. "Well, when you travel through the desert, you may be hit by sunstroke. You can tell if you have flashing lights before your eyes. But don't worry too much. If you have a wet towel, you'll be all right.

"Ness, we should buy one."

"Ugh. Fine. Paula, you carry it."

"Um... Okay."

Ness asked her to do that because she was worried about it getting her backpack wet. Turns out, the wet towel was wrapped in a plastic wrapping, but Ness still insisted on Paula carrying it.

Exiting the drugstore, they walked to the north, finding... a hole with a ladder? A monkey was wandering around it.

("Welcome!") the monkey greeted the three of them. ("Our paradise exists beneath that hole. Talah Rama is great and kind, and he knows everything, Talah Rama does... He made us the underground rooms.")

"Ness? What's he saying?" Paula asked.

"He says there's a monkey paradise under that hole, created by some guy who knows everything."

"Maybe we should meet him..." Paula suggested.

"Might as well check it out. Must be nice and cool down there." Ness concurred.

"Wait, Ness can talk to animals?" Jeff asked.

"Telepathically, yes." Paula told him.

"You guys have so many great skills... I wish I had psychic powers..." Jeff said with a sigh.

Paula walked up to him and put her hands on his shoulders. "Jeff, we were born with our gifts. You learned yours. That makes your gifts greater than ours."

Jeff blushed, both from the contact and the words of praise. "Thanks, Paula..." he said with a small smile.

"Hey, when you two love birds are ready, I'm headin' down there to meet this old man." Ness called to them as she descended the ladder. Jeff and Paula broke apart, looking in opposite directions and rubbing the backs of their heads.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Down at the bottom of the ladder, they found a tunnel blocked by... an old man? Who was sitting pretzel style... in the air? Yep, he was floating. A monkey was wandering around in front of him, so Ness approached it.

("Hey, monkey. What's goin' on with the old man over there?") Ness asked it with her mind.

("Talah Rama is now fasting and practicing silent meditation. He is also abstaining from anything that would make him sick or smelly, too. Please don't bother him.")

Sighing, Ness told Paula and Jeff what the monkey had said, and they made their way back up the ladder.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They wandered through the desert, fighting desert wolves, skeletal-like scorpions, smiling metal spheres that exploded when destroyed, caterpillars that ran when they approached, flying saucers with pink ribbons on top, and odd animals that Jeff claimed were called crested bookas.

After a while, Jeff's walking began to get wobbly. He collapsed a few yards later, Paula feeling his forehead.

"He has sunstroke."

"Really? I feel fine. What a pussy!" Ness dismissed.

"Jeff comes from a much colder climate than us, so he's probably more susceptible to heat then we are."

"Well, he better tough it up. We got a lot of walking to do."

Paula knelt on the ground and rested Jeff's head in her lap, reaching into her teddy bear and pulled out the wet towel. She opened the wrapper, and placed it across Jeff's forehead, the boy moaning in pain.

"Poor thing..." Paula sighed.

Ness turned and went to beat a cactus with her bat. She needed to work off some steam...

Sigh... Ness wasn't stupid. She may not get good grades, but she could see the connection Paula and Jeff were making with each other. They were far more compatible friends than her and Paula, or her and Jeff. Jeff wasn't confident, but it was so easy for Paula to reassure him. Really, Ness didn't have anything in common with either member of her team. One was a prissy little prude and the other was a timid nerd. She was a punk, and though she was starting to kind of like this hero thing, she was still the same rebel tomboy she was when she left Onett.

Onett... She'd been away from home for a few weeks now. She wondered how her mother was doing... and Tracy... King was getting old, but he could protect the family just fine. Was it possible, though, that she... missed her family?

Paula walked up to Ness as she beat the cactus, carrying Jeff on her back.

"His sunstroke is cured, but he's still very drained. We need a place we can stay for the night." Paula told the teenaged tomboy.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Let's go."

"Can you heal Jeff a bit, Ness?" Paula requested.

"Huh? Oh, sure." Ness walked up to Jeff and placed her hand over him, summoning the blue energy of Lifeup Alpha... but it died down almost immediately.

"Ness? What's wrong?" Paula asked, worried.

"Dunno. Can't concentrate, I guess." Ness shrugged.  
"What are you thinking about that you can't concentrate enough to use your biokinesis?"

"Uh... Thinking about my mom and sister, I guess. I... think I miss them."

Paula smiled. "Ness, you're homesick, aren't you?"

"What? No way!" Ness dismissed.

"C'mon. When was the last time you called your mom?"

"Uh... Not once since I left Onett, I guess."

"No wonder. When we find a place to stay, you call your mom and I'm sure having a chat with her will cure your homesickness. Okay?"

"Ugh... Fine. I'll call my mom."

"Good. Now let's find somewhere we can rest, okay, Ness?"

"Yeah, sure..."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They found a shack in the middle of the Dusty Dunes desert, with a sign outside it that read 'Dusty Dunes Headquarters for finding buried gold.' A man nearby was standing near a hole with a ladder leading down. He walked up to the three teens.

"This hole's great! Good hole, good hole, good hole... First, someone asked me to dig for buried gold. I began to feel like I was obligated to find it. Man, am I starving. Do you have any food you can spare?"

"Uhhh... Sure?" Ness pulled her backpack off her back and rummaged through it, pulling out a wrapped cheeseburger. "This okay?" she asked.

"Oh, perfect!" the man grabbed the burger from Ness, unwrapping it on one end and taking a big bite. "Mmmm... So good! Thank you. If I find the gold, I'll give some to you."

"Uhhh... Seriously?"

"Of course! I plan to repay all the people who helped finance this expedition."

Well... All Ness did was give him some food, but she wasn't one to argue about a good thing.

"Uh... Can we stay the night in your shack?"

"Sure! Go right ahead. We have plenty of beds. Just talk to my brother inside."

"Thanks. What's your name, by the way?"

"Gerardo Montague. My brother inside is George Montague. Yours?"

"Paula Polestar. This is Jeff Andonuts."

"Just call me Ness."

"Nice to meet you all. Oh, and feel free to spend the night for free."

"Really? Wow, your kindness knows no bounds, sir." Paula told him.

"No problem. Like I said, we've got more beds than we do workers."

"How many workers do you have, anyway?"

"Just my brother and I."

"Uhhh... Seriously?"

"Yep. That's all we need. We're the best diggers and excavators in Eagleland. I know a backhoe and shovel better than I know myself."

"Well... Cool. Thanks again, Mr. Montague."

"Please, please. Just Gerardo. Less confusing, since my brother is also Mr. Montague."

"Right. Sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. Enjoy your rest."

"Thanks."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Once inside, Paula laid Jeff out on one of the beds, Ness heading straight for the phone. She'd leave Paula to explain to George who they were. She dialed home right away, feeling oddly relieved when her mom answered the phone.

"Hi, mom..." Ness greeted, sighing.

"Hello, Ness? What's wrong? You sound so sad... Are you homesick?"

"Yeah... I'm afraid to admit it, but I think I am..."

"Well, I knew there would be days like this. It must make you feel better, listening to your mom's sweet voice."

"Yeah... It actually does."

"So, do you feel any better?"

"A lot. Thanks, mom."

"No problem, sweetie. Well, I'd better get going. I'm in the middle of my ironing. Bye!"

Ness's mom hung up, leaving Ness with a small smile on her face. She'd have to call her mother regularly, just to check in... Homesickness was a bitch.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They emerged at the tunnel leading away from the desert. They passed through it, over a bridge, then through another tunnel, and found themselves in the big city of Fourside.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness, Paula, and Jeff walked through the streets of Fourside, marveling at how tall the buildings were.

"The only building I know that comes close is the department store in Twoson..." Paula pointed out.

"It's really something..." Jeff agreed.

A man walked up to them. "You must be new in town. I can tell. Allow me to tell you a bit about the city. The city of Fourside has developed quite a bit since Mr. Geldegarde Monotoli hit the big time. It's been good for the city. Currently, the whole town is in an uproar over the arrival of the popular Runaway Five. The Topolla theater is always full, or so I heard."

"Tell us about Mr. Monotoli." Paula requested. Ness sighed. She wasn't interested in a history lesson.

"In the old days, Mr. Monotoli was just a regular, unattractive real estate agent. Now he has the power to control the police force. Some don't think the city of Fourside is better than before, but they're just jealous of Monotoli's power and wealth."

"How did he gain so much power?" Jeff asked.

"Well, there's a rumor going around that he made a deal with a devil to gain his power. But it's just nasty rumors about a great man."

"Uh... Right. Thanks." Ness sighed.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They stopped by the department store, but it was closed, and apparently weird things had been happening there ever since Monotoli took over. It seemed they should meet this Monotoli, so they went to the man's office building, surprised when they were allowed up to the forty-seventh floor, which was supposedly only for Porky's use. Wait... Porky? As in... Porky Minch?

Sure enough, they found Porky up in the offices of the forty-seventh floor, dressed in a nice suit and flanked by two body guards.

"Oooo la la. This... this is my poor old friend..." Porky began. "Ah... what's your name... Pig's Butt... no, no, Ness! Didn't you come here to beg me for some money? Oooo la la."

"Porky? Is that you?" Ness asked, amazed.

"Don't you recognize me? I'm Master Porky! Porky! Get it? I'm now Geldegarde Monotoli's partner, and I give him political and economic advice."

"You? Give him advice? Ha!" Ness dismissed.

"Hm. I heard there were some ratty-lookingn kids asking for Mr. Monotoli... Was that you, Ness?"

"Yeah. Where is he?"

"Doesn't matter! This isn't a place for the likes of you!" the fat lard snapped. "Get outta here! Now, loser!"

The two guards grabbed them, shoving them out the door.

"You must never show your face around Master Porky. You got that?" he instructed.

Sighing, Ness decided they'd check out the theater and look up Monotoli later.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They went into the Topolla theater and bought tickets for the show, stepping in to find the theater packed, but some seats remaining empty. A man was guarding the door to the dressing room, but Ness wanted to check in and see how the Runaway Five were doing, so she led her group up to the door.

"Hey. I'm Ness. Friend of the Runaway Five." She told him.

"You're Ness? When Ness arrives, the Runaway Five told me to let him in. So please, come in."

Hm... That was easy. Stepping into the dressing room, she found the Runaway Five preparing for the show.

"Ness! Paula! Great to see you!" Happy called to them. "I see you brought a new friend."

"Yeah, this is Jeff." Paula introduced him. "How are all of you?"

Lucky sighed. "We're so helpless. Really helpless, and hopeless..." He chuckled at that.

"What do you mean, Lucky?" Paula asked.

"Again, we've been cheated by the theater owner." Nice explained. "We're stuck here with a phony contract. Oh yeah!"

"What? Don't worry, all of you. We'll bail you out again."

What. Did Paula really just say that? No way!

"No, we can't accept that kind of money again. We owe you guys so much. Sorry."

"No, I insist. We'll pay off your debt for you. How much is it?"

"One million dollars."

...

Ness and Jeff were so shocked they fell over. But Paula just smiled. "Oh, is that all? No problem! I know where to find that kind of money."

"Really? We know how to sing, but we don't know how to handle money or women. Guess you three can handle both."

"What are you in town for, anyway?"

"Currently, we're trying to meet Mr. Monotoli."

"Hm... To meet Geldegarde Monotoli, you'll need our help. I don't exactly know why... Call it a musician's hunch."

"Well, don't worry. We'll bail you out as soon as we can. Let's go collect that money."

"Damn, you kids are resourceful. Thanks."

As the three left, Ness stepped in front of Paula.

"Uh... Paula? Where do you expect us to find a million bucks?"

"Yeah... I'm surprised. You're usually so sensible, Paula..." Jeff sighed.

"Simple. The Montague brothers are digging for gold in the desert. They said they'd give us a share, so we'll just collect the gold from them."

"Are you sure they've found it by now?"

"Gerardo said he's the best digger in Eagleland. I'm sure they've found something by now."

Ness cringed. Paula said it with such certainty... she couldn't tell if the girl was stupid or just extremely optimistic. But, it was worth a shot. They didn't have anything better to do than go check it out.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They were surprised to find the little hole that the Montague brothers had dug was now a massive trench. A whole crowd of people were hanging around it, watching, and there was even a man selling food from a hot dog stand. They picked up some soda, popsicles, and hot dogs before climbing down the hole to see if Gerardo Montague was inside, and if he had found the gold yet.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They climbed into the mine to find it was much cooler down below.

"I didn't have a problem digging until this..." Gerardo Montague began when he saw the three teenagers arrive. "I found a maze. Lots of monsters appeared, so I couldn't proceed. There's five big moles! If I beat the monsters, I can continue on. I think I have a bleeding ulcer from worrying too much. I'm helpless to really do anything."

"Don't worry, Mr. Montague. We'll take care of the moles." Paula offered.

"Seriously? What can you three do?"

"This." Paula summoned a wave of ice that covered the wall in frost.

"Whoa! You're psychic?"

"Yep. Ness is, too."

"What about nerd boy over there?"

"He's... not psychic. But he has other skills that we don't."

"Well, if you three can fight, be my guest. Let me know when all five moles are gone."

"No problem."

Ness sighed... If this would get them the gold, she'd do it. She just wished Paula wasn't leading them right now.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The first mole they found... actually talked.

"I'm one of the masters of this hole. There are five masters in all. We are all moles, of course. I believe I'm the third strongest amongst us. Take your best shot!"

Jeff stepped forward. "I've got something new I've been working on."

Jeff pulled out a bottle rocket that seemed... bigger than the ones he'd been using. He aimed it and fired it at the mole. It was a direct hit to the head, exploding and killing the mole in one shot.

"Awesome, nerd!" Ness cheered.

"Yeah, that was something, Jeff." Paula encouraged.

Jeff blushed and rubbed the back of his head. "Heh. Thanks."

"Got any more of those... big bottle rockets?"

"Just one left. But I've also got plenty of regular bottle rockets."

"Cool. Let's go."

"I'm worried, though..." Paula began. "If that mole was the third strongest, that means there are two more stronger than it..."

"Well, it also means there are two more weaker than it. So let's go." Ness assured her.

"Oh. Good point. Okay, let's get a move on."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They ventured deeper through the maze of tunnels, until they found the second of these giant moles.

"I'm really the third strongest master. I'll destroy you now!" it announced.

Jeff stepped forward and took it out with his second, and last, big bottle rocket, hitting it right in the head with an explosion.

"Two down, three to go." Ness cheered.

"But why did that one say he was the third strongest as well?" Paula wondered.

"Beat's me. Let's just get moving."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They found the third mole, and it just got even stranger.

"My strength falls between the second and fourth strongest masters. Do you wanna test me?"

Jeff stepped forward and pulled out a bomb that was a little different from the ones he'd been using. He threw it, and it exploded, killing the mole.

"What was that?" Ness asked.

"Super bomb. As opposed to just a bomb."

"Oh. Cool. Let's go take out the fourth one."

"Is it just me, or are they all as strong as the others?" Paula pointed out.

"Go figure. I'm just here to kill these things." Ness dismissed.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They found the forth one... and it was more of the same.

"I'm truly the third strongest master of this hole. I'll demonstrate the power of being third to you!"

The mole bounded forward and attempted to scratch Jeff with its nails.

"Shield Alpha!" Ness called out, a shield of light erected in front of Jeff that the mole rammed into, doing nothing.

Jeff reached into his fanny pack and pulled out a bottle rocket, which he fired at the mole. It hit it in the chest and exploded, injuring it, but not killing it.

"PK Freeze Gamma!" Paula announced, sending a huge wave of ice forward that froze the mole solid. Ness ran up and smashed it with her bat, shattering it to pieces.

"Whew... Just one left." Ness sighed with relief.

"And I'll bet the last one will claim to be the third strongest, too." Paula giggled.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Sure enough, they found the final mole. And as expected, it was confident in being the third strongest.

"Ha ha ha." It laughed. "You've fought the strongest master of this hole, the second strongest master of this hole, the fourth strongest master of this hole, and the weakest mater of this hole! I'm truly the third strongest master of this hole. Now you see the true advantage of being third!"

The mole ran forward, scraping its sharp claws through the dirt, ready to attack Paula.

"Shield Beta!" Ness called out.

A shield of light was erected in front of Paula, but it was different from before. Instead of merely stopping the mole's attack, it launched an energy wave back at the mole, sending it flying into the nearby wall.

"Ness! That was a power shield!" Paula exclaimed, amazed.

"Really? Is it different from a regular shield?"

"Yes! Instead of stopping damage, it reflects the damage back at the attacker!"

"Wow! I'm awesome!" Ness cheered.

"I'm out of bottle rockets, so... looks like I'll have to use my gun." Jeff told his two friends, holding his gun up and firing on the mole.

Ness brought her hands to her forehead and launched a psychokinetic shockwave at the mole, while Paula summoned two bolts of lightning that actually hit the mark with PK Thunder Beta. The mole's bones broke and it was electrocuted. Now dead, the group made their way back to the entrance of the mine.

"Hey, Gerardo! We took care of your little problem." Ness called to him as they exited the mine.

"You've gotten rid of the monsters?! That's great! Good job! Okay, from here on, just let me dig... You'll see, I'll find the buried gold!"

"Thank you. Just let us know when you find some, please." Paula told him.

"No problem. See you kids later."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

On the way back, they were on the bridge to Fourside when they heard a loud sound coming from the tunnel they just exited. Turned out, it was a backhoe. It stopped a few yards in front of them, George Montague emerging from inside.

"Ness! Greetings!" he said to them. "I'm George, Gerardo Montague's brother. Gerardo is in his mine, but he hasn't found any gold yet. We did, however, find a large cache of diamond ore. Gerardo told me to give a chunk to Ness. Here it is... Please take it."

He reached into his pocket and handed Ness what seemed to be a chunk of rock completely inlaid with diamonds! Ness's eyes bugged out at the sight of it.

"Well, I've got to go... I'm busy excavating the rest of that diamond ore... Busy, busy, busy!"

George Montague climbed back into his backhoe and drove back down the road.

"Thank you!" Paula called after him, after recovering from the shock of being given a chunk of pure diamond ore.

"Wow." Jeff began, adjusting his glasses. "From what I've learned in geology class, a chunk of raw diamond ore _that_ big as to be worth around one million dollars."

Ness' jaw dropped.

"Don't get any funny ideas, Ness!" Paula scolded. "We need this diamond ore to get the Runaway Five out of their contract."

"Dammit... You always have to ruin my fun, Paula." Ness sighed.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They went to the Topolla theater, heading straight into the manager's office.

"Hey. We heard you signed the Runaway Five up with a phony contract, you bitch." Ness greeted her.

"So, you're a Runaway Five fan, huh? And no, no! This band owes me a million bucks. If they break their contract, they'll be in deep doodoo with the police. The police would probably say, 'Hey, you guys!' or something like that... Unless you're able to pay a million dollars on their behalf? You'd have to find buried gold, or you would never be able to pay such a huge sum of money. Ho ho ho... Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho-"

Her laughing stopped as Ness reached into her backpack and placed the chunk of diamond ore on her desk.

"Yaaaieeee! That, that, that diamond ore... You're going to pay with that diamond ore?!" she exclaimed. "O... o... okay, th... that's fine. I'll rip up this contract." She did so. "Don't tell anyone about the diamond ore... Now the Runaway Five are free! ...You should thank me. That diamond ore is worth maybe... _maybe_... fifty dollars. So I gave you a bargain."

Ness could hear her heart beating really fast, though, so she knew that was a lie.

Just them, the Runaway Five barged in. Nice stepped up to the manager's desk.

"Sorry about bein' such troublemakers!"

He turned and left, Lucky stepping up now.

"We won't be so gullible anymore... Well, our fans are waitin', baby..." he turned and left.

The drummer walked up next. "Let's just do this one last show and then get outta here..."

He turned and left as well, the cello player approaching now.

"All right! Thanks again!" he exclaimed, then ran out the door."

The saxophone player stepped up next. "Money, that's what I want. Money, that's what is hot. Money, that's what I want. Money, it's what we ain't got 'cept freedom, freedom, freedom is what we've really sought!" he sang. He spun around, playing a little music on his saxophone before continuing. "Money, that's what I want. Money, that's what is hot. Money, that's what I want-"

Nice ran in and dragged the saxophone player away.

Shrugging, Ness led Paula and Jeff into the theater to see the final Runaway Five performance in Fourside.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Welcome to the last Runaway Five concert at the Topolla! This performance is going to rock so much, you might just wet your pants a little! This one's dedicated to the little runts over by the entrance!" the announcer called over the intercom.

Ness, Paula, and Jeff took their seats, watching as the lights on the stage came on. Boy, were they surprised when some blonde lady in a black dress appeared on stage with the Runaway Five part-way through the show. They asked around afterwards, and it turned out she was Venus, an up and coming new singer who might one day rival the Runaway Five in popularity. They also heard the department store was open now, so they headed there to check it out.


	10. Chapter 9: Welcome to Moonside

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 9:** Welcome to Moonside

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The department store had several shops and stores. There was even a toy store where the owner, spotting Paula's rare Teddy Roosevelt Limited Edition Teddy Bear Backpack, offered to re-add straps to it for her, which she agreed. They ate some burgers at the food court and even bought Paula a new frying pan, as her old one had gotten fairly bent around the handle for all the bashing of hostile creatures. A shady man in a storage room sold Jeff some parts to upgrade his laser gun with. When they were all set up, they went down to the first floor, intending on retrieving Kumashi, Paula's teddy bear backpack, later when they got the call from the toy shop guy on Ness's receiver phone.

As they climbed down to the first floor, they walked toward the exit, only for the lights to flicker and suddenly turn off. Ness and Jeff were bowled over by something fast, and when they looked, Paula was gone!

An alert sounded on the intercom system, Jeff and Ness looking up at the sound.

"Your attention please. Would the customer from Onett, Miss Ness, please proceed to the office on the fourth floor. That was customer Ness, fourth floor office. Gwaaaaaaaaagh!"

"Ness! I think that thing took Paula!" Jeff exclaimed.

"Yeah. We should-"

Jeff grabbed Ness by the collar of her shirt, shaking her. "We have to save her! C'mon, to the fourth floor!"

Tossing Ness aside, Jeff ran up the shut-down escalator, leaving Ness to re-adjust her hat and chase after him.

When Ness got to the second floor, she found Jeff facing off against two... records... with faces, arms, and legs? Ness readied her bat and was about to step in to save him, but Jeff pulled out his laser gun and blasted a hole right through each one, heading up the escalator to the third floor. Ness followed him.

On the third floor, they were met by another record and a coffee cup with a tripod stand that attempted to spray scalding hot coffee on them. Ness blocked it with a Shield Beta, destroying the coffee cup with the shield's counter, while Jeff blasted a hole in the record and continued up to the fourth floor, but another intercom message halted them.

"Ness, customer Ness, please hurry to Paula... Gwaaaaaaargh!"

"Paula! I'll save you!" Jeff called, running up the escalator with Ness in tow.

On the fourth floor, they were faced with more of those records, and by a guitar that shot electricity at them. Ness bashed the guitar in with her bat, while Jeff shot the record, then ran to the office on the other side of the room. Before they could enter it, the intercom activated again.

"Ness, customer Ness... Gwaagh! Gwaargh!"

Jeff took out his laser gun and was about to blast the door down, but Ness put a hand on his wrist, showing him the door was unlocked.

"Uh... Right. Guess I'm getting a little carried away."

"Ya think? C'mon, nerd. Let's go save Paula."

They stepped into the office to find some sort of bizarre creature with a whole mess of tentacles for legs, two tentacle arms, an eye on its face above its mouth, and two eyes on stems of flesh coming from its head.

"Gwaaagh! Gwarrrgh! I'm impressed you actually made it here." It said, in the same voice from the intercom. "This department store is gonna be your grave! Gwaaagh. Die and go to hell- No, to heaven!"

The creature summoned a wave of fire from its tentacles, shooting it at the two. Ness ducked, but Jeff jumped over it, showing feats of athletic prowess that Ness didn't think the nerd was capable of. He jumped right over the wave of fire and landed on the creature's desk, grabbing both of its eye stems.

"Where is Paula? Tell me and I won't hurt you..." he threatened.

"Gwaaargh! Like I'd tell y-"

Jeff pulled, tearing off its eye stems. The creature wailed in pain, falling to the ground and writhing in agony as green blood oozed out of the stumps now on its head.

"Second chance. Tell me where Paula is." Jeff continued, and he sounded dead serious.

The creature coughed a bit of green blood, moving to stand. "That... That all you've got, loverbo-"

A laser blast in its eye sent it stumbling into the wall. It raised its head, clearly blinded as its third and final eye was gouged out.

"Third and final chance. Tell me. Where. The fuck. Paula. Polestar. Is." Jeff growled.

"Gwaaaa…ugh... E-Even thought you could beat me... M-Master Giygas will avenge me..."

"Wrong answer." Jeff shot each of his tentacles off with a series of extremely fast and accurate high-powered shots from his laser gun. The creature now lay in a pool of green blood, robbed of its sight, arms, and numerous legs.

"A-At this m-moment, Paula sh-should be... Monotoli..." the creature gasped.

"Thank you." Jeff told it, in a sickeningly sweet tone. "Now do me one last favor."

"Gwargh?"

"Die for me." Jeff aimed his gun at the creature's head, but Ness pushed his arm out of the way, the shot instead hitting the wall.

"Jeff, that's enough. Leave him alone to die." she told him.

"This little shit needs to pay!" Jeff growled. "He took Paula away from me!"

Ness quirked an eyebrow.

"I mean, from us! It has to die!"

"Jeff... Listen to yourself. This isn't you. What do you even plan to do after you kill this thing?"

"I'm going to storm Monotoli's building and _make him_ give Paula back!"

"If you do that, a lot of innocent people will die. I don't know why you're acting so crazy, but I've got enough rebellion in me for the both of us. If you want to find Paula, you'll need to calm down and think. I need that brain of yours."

Jeff sighed, lowering his laser gun. "Thanks, Ness... I almost did something I would regret for the rest of my life."

"Ugh..." the creature groaned. "Reports said you were a serious punk... Turns out you're just a pussy with an overdeveloped rack..."

Ness growled, jumping forward and smashing the creature in the head with her bat. Jeff watched, stunned, as Ness stood and wiped the green blood off her bat, turning and walking away.

"Ness? Why'd you do that after just telling _me_ not to do it?" Jeff asked, stunned.

"Like I said, you'll be the brains of this team, and I'll be the muscle. So I'm allowed to do those things. You, however, are not. Clear?"

Jeff sighed. "Yes, boss..."

"Good. Hmmm, boss... I like the sound of that. Okay, let's go."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They picked up Paula's teddy bear backpack from the toy store, then started asking around. It seemed an unusual number of people reporting seeing Monotoli at Boris' Bar in the western corner of Fourside. With no other leads, they went to check it out.

Boris' Bar was a seedy place, with dim lighting, thick with cigarette smoke, and a jukebox that didn't even work. They asked around, and the people had some odd things to say. One claimed he was drunk and knocked on the wall instead of the bathroom door, and actually got an answer. Another was also there waiting for Monotoli to show up, since he was homeless because of the man. One guy told really bad puns that even a third grader could come up with... The bartender was the most interesting one.

"What? Does Mr. Geldegarde Monotoli come here often? Hello! Time to get up! It could never happen!... Well, actually, that's not true."

Sighing, Ness turned to the only woman in the bar, who seemed to be a waitress there.

"There's a loud noise outside. It sounds like it's the seventh inning stretch, and the fans are singing 'Take me out to the ballgame' at the stadium."

Come to think of it, it did sound like there was a commotion outside. Rushing out, Ness and Jeff found a crowd of people gathered around an alley. Pushing through them, the teenaged tomboy was surprised to see Everdred lying there on the ground. She rushed forward to tend to him.

"Everdred! What the hell happened to you?"

"Is this the Everdred you told me about, Ness?" Jeff asked.

"Yeah. And he looks injured."

Everdred said nothing at first, then began to wheeze.

"...Ness... Is that you, Ness?... Everything's so-" he coughed. "-blurry that I can't see you... You're Ness, right? I-It's me, Everdred, from Burglin Park in Twoson. You remember me, right? I'm the world's greatest thief."

"Yes, it's me, Ness! And I remember you! What happened to you?" she asked the man.

"Basically... Carpainter of Happy Happy Village had been-" he wheezed. "-secretly holding on to something strange. I stole it and brought it to this city, hoping I could sell it... A wise old guy called it the Mani Mani Devil. It was this ominous-colored figure thing. Ughh... Ugh... The pain... So... that bastard Monotoli tricked me and took it from me. He tricked me, a thief! And not only that, since I knew the secret about it, he tried to get rid of me. He's getting the devil's power from that figure. Listen, I'll only say this once, so pay attention. Check the counter in the bar... Uggh..."

Everdred's body fell limp. Ness stood, turning to the crowd of people. "Someone call an ambulance!" she demanded.

They nodded, rushing away. Ness wiped a single tear from her eye. Everdred... he would be avenged. Ness would make sure of it.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They walked into Boris' Bar, stepping behind the counter, despite the protests of the bartender, and knocked on the wall. Ness wasn't sure what happened after that...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness and Jeff awoke to find themselves in some kind of... bizarre, wireframe version of Boris' Bar. Ness even got the slight feeling that she was in a dream, or something... her senses were slightly muddled. She walked up to the bartender. "Is this Boris' Bar? And are you the bartender?"

"No, that's right. I am the host here."

Uhh... Okay? Interesting word choice... Ness stepped over to a man chugging from a mug of beer.

"Hey! Is this still Fourside?" the teenaged tomboy asked.

"What? Fourside? Are you still sleeping? This is Moonside."

Moonside? Ness walked up to the waitress. "Are you the waitress?"

"Yes, that's wrong. I am the hostess here." she said.

Last person in the room she hadn't spoken with was the lady down at the other side of the table.

"Hey." Ness greeted her.

"Yes is no and no is yes. It makes perfect sense in Moonside."

"Uhhh... Okay?"

Weird. Turning to Jeff, he just shrugged, so Ness led him out of the bar.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They found the entire city they were now in, Moonside, looked like a glowing neon wireframe version of Fourside. Ness ran up to a man in a suit and hat.

"Hey! Where am I?" she asked.

"Welcome to Moonside. Wel come to moo nsi ns de moons ide."

Huh? "Huh?"

"Do you understand all this?"

"No!"

"Good, I'm glad you get it."

What?

"Ness..." Jeff spoke up. "I think no and yes really _are_ reversed here. Here, let me try."

"Do you understand all this?" the man asked again.

"Yes." Jeff told him.

"Oh? You don't? To tell you the truth, neither do I. But I'll tell ya what I hate in this world. That's potato skins. The color, the smell, the taste, the texture... Hey you, you're drooling!" He pointed at Ness, who wiped the drool from her mouth. Dammit... she could go for some potato skins right about now.

They duo made their way to the Fourside, er, Moonside Hotel.

"This is the Dark Moon Hotel. One room is seventy-five dollars. Do you want to sleep?"

"Yes." Ness told him, then slapped herself in the forehead.

"You're actually going to try to stay up...? Hah hah hah!"

"I mean, no, I want to stay the night. Here's the money." She handed him seventy-five dollars.

"All right. Here we go!"

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When they awoke, they found it was still nighttime. Apparently, in Moonside, it was always the middle of the night. They went further down the street, finding a man in a Hawaiian shirt wandering around.

"Hey." Ness greeted him.

"Hello! And... goodbye!"

Abruptly, Ness and Jeff were whisked away, finding themselves standing in front of a sailor next to the Monotoli building. An invisible wall blocked their way of going around him.

"The Mani Mani Statue is up ahead, but I'm going to stop you right here." He told them. "Don't even think about getting past me, 'cause you aren't with a guy whose eyebrows are connected and who also has a gold tooth."

"Uhhh... Yeah." Weird...

Turning, Ness walked back the way she had came... Well, not exactly the way she had came, since she had seemingly been teleported here. But she left the sailor guard.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

After talking to several of those Hawaiian shirt guys, Ness and Jeff found themselves on the left side of the Monotoli building, but were still blocked by invisible walls.

"Before the soup gets cold, we must care for Mani Mani. Before the knife gets rusty, we must care for Mani Mani." a woman told her.

Weird... Was the Mani Mani Statue behind this bizarre place called Moonside? They walked a few feet to the north, where a man in a business suit ran up to them.

"Hello... And, goodbye! Shall I?"

"No!" Ness shouted.

"Then... Goodbye!"

And with that, they were whisked away again, this time to a small, cramped room with a shadow and a man wandering nearby. Ness walked up to the shadow, curious.

"Can you see me?" the shadow asked.

"Ye-... I mean... No, I can see you." Ness caught herself.

"Ha ha. You can, huh? He he. You've become a real Moonsidian, haven't you?"

That weirded Ness out, so she walked over to the other man.

"Hey, where's the door out of here?" she asked him.

"What the...? You're looking for some kind of door? Well, you're not gonna find one! So, get out of my face, loser... I have no patience when people interrupt me while I'm busy doing nothing."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness started awake in bed, finding Jeff on the bed next to her, also starting awake. She stood, finding it was as if everything they had encountered after waking up earlier was a dream...

"You have the same dream as me, Jeff?" Ness asked, scratching at her bare breast.

Jeff looked away, pinching his nose to stop the slight trickle of blood. "Yeah... We talked to a shadow and met a sailor looking for a man with connected eyebrows and a gold tooth."

"Yeah, that's what I thought... But we're still in Moonside."

Getting up, Ness got dressed and was about to leave when a voice spoke up.

"He he ha! It's me! You can see me, right?" It was the voice of the shadow from earlier! Only... He was completely invisible now. "There's something interesting about you, so I'm going to follow you. Don't worry, though... Heh heh... If you get into a fight, I'll stay out of it..."

"Uh... Sure. Thanks." Ness dismissed. Guess it really _wasn't_ a dream...

Her and Jeff left their room, only for the invisible man to speak up again.

"Heh heh. You can't see me... right?"

Ness ignored him, walking toward the exit of the hotel, only for him to speak up again.

"Hyuk huyk. Hey! Don't you wish you had a gold tooth like mine? Give me a smile! Heh heh."

They exited the hotel, the invisible man speaking up yet again. "Uh... Heh heh... Yo! Don't you think my eyebrows rock? Check'em out... they're connected!"

Hmm... That sounded familiar. And it gave Ness an idea. She talked to one of the Hawaiian shirt guys and was whisked away to the east side of the Monotoli building, with the sailor.

"The Mani Mani Statue is up ahead, but I'm going to stop you right here." He paused, looking behind the two teenagers. "Huzzah! You really surprised me! You're a man whose eyebrows are connected and who has a gold tooth! How about we dump these kids and go get some bourbon to drink, or something?"

He walked off, arm over the invisible man's shoulders... At least, Ness thought that's what he was doing. They rounded the corner of the building, finding the same golden statue Lier X. Agerate dug up in Onett. But standing in front of it was an old man in a fancy suit.

"Don't do anything to me!" he exclaimed. "I am... I am not Monotoli!"

He vanished into thin air, then... the Mani Mani statue released a flash of floeioua lifhr. Ness covered her eyes, but then the statue undoubtedly casted Paralysis Alpha, making Ness's body numb. But that didn't stop her from using her psychic powers! She launched a wave of PK Rockin' Beta at it, while Jeff followed suit with a super bomb. It rocked the statue and cracked it a little, then Jeff smashed it with a bottle rocket.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness and Jeff suddenly found themselves in a warehouse... And the inside of the smashed Mani Mani Statue looked... mechanical. Jeff stepped up to examine it.

"It looks like the Mani Mani statue was really a device that created illusions. But we broke it, so the illusions were dispelled."

A mouse walked up. ("You were wandering around the warehouse with a vacant, far-away look in your eyes. Were you daydreaming?") it asked.

("Yeah, but we're awake now. Thanks, mouse.") Ness told it with her mind.

("No problem.")

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They left the warehouse, not sure what to do next, when Ness' receiver phone rang. She pressed the button and brought it up to her ear.

"Go for Mama Ness." She said.

"Hello, this is Apple Kid. I've come up with another wacky invention that I think has real potential. Maybe you won't, but anyway... It's called the 'Gourmet Yogurt Machine.' It makes many different flavors of yogurt. The only problem is, right now, it can only make trout-flavored yogurt... So, I'm having the machine delivered to you via Escargo Express. It's coming 'Neglected Class.' Hopefully, you'll get it soon. Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment, so... goodbye!" Apple Kid hung up.

Okay... What use could they possibly have for a gourmet yogurt machine?

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They exited Boris' Bar to see a Monkey come running out of a portal in a flash of light... and straight into a nearby building. Ness and Jeff ran over to check on him.

"Hey! Monkey! You okay?" Ness asked him.

The monkey got up, dusting himself off. ("I'm not a delivery man. I can't remember if we've met. Talah Rama just finished fasting and now wants to meet you at the west end of Dusty Dunes desert in a cave with lots of monkeys. I'll use my teleportation to... Bye!")

The monkey took off running, smacking into a lamp post before running around the corner and into a portal with a flash of light.

Immediately after the monkey was gone, some dweeby gut came running up, tripping and falling at Ness's feet. He stood up, dusting himself off.

"Ooops! I think I broke the calculator in my pocket... Greetings! I'm Escargo Express's Neglected Class. Whew! I just got here from the Dusty Dunes desert. There was this sunbathing guy, and he told me about a cave with lots of monkeys... or was it orangutans? Anyway, he said... well... uh... I forgot. Yep, I forgot... Actually I forgot the stuff I was supposed to deliver, too. I think it was some weird machine to make trout-flavored yogurt. Yeah, I forgot it at the desert... I'm not going back that way, so don't ask me to get the package... I mean, it's your package, right? So _you_ go get it! Go on, get out of here. Maybe that thing I forgot is important to you... So... Have a good time in the desert!..."

He ran off, leaving Ness scratching her head. Neglected Class must have been a cheaper, but less reliable, version of Escargo Express. But as soon as the delivery boy ran off, a woman in a maid's uniform came running up.

"Hello!" she greeted them. "I heard you talking about trout-flavored yogurt. I'm a maid who serves Mr. Monotoli, and I'm looking for trout-flavored yogurt to give to our special gust. If you know anything about it, please tell me! I've been searching and searching..."

"Uh... Sure. When we get the gourmet yogurt machine, we'll be sure to give it to you."

"Thanks! Come with the machine and I'll have the guards let you up to the forty-eighth floor. See ya!"

She ran off. Jeff turned to Ness.

"Three people approach us out of the blue. Well, two people and a monkey. What did the monkey say?"

"He said that Talah Rama in the desert wants to meet us. And since there's where the yogurt machine is, maybe he has it."

"Looks like we're headed back to Dusty Dunes desert..." Jeff sighed.

"Yep." Ness agreed.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They made their way through the maze of monkey living quarters, having to use Ness's Pencil Eraser to erase a pencil in their way before they found Talah Rama. A monkey walked up to them as they approached the man floating in a pretzel sitting pose.

("I've been waiting for you.") the monkey told them.

Ness nodded, stepping up and sitting before Talah Rama.

"The truth of the universe travels the cosmos like a grain and like a wave and speaks to the universes known as man. Your coming here, my waiting here… It was all predestined truth. Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo… When these four forces meet, the twisting cosmos will breathe calmly once more. Do you understand? It doesn't matter."

"Poo? Who's Poo?"

"You will find out soon enough. Proceed as you wish... Did you come in search of this?"

The nearby monkey walked over with a machine in his arms.

"Someone left it behind in this hole." Talah Rama explained.

Ness took a look at it, and it was clearly the gourmet yogurt machine.

"The adventure that lies ahead won't be easy. I'll give you a special skill to help you move through space as you wish. Learn the skill from the monkey over there... Would you like to learn this special power?"

"Yes!" Ness exclaimed.

"Ha ha ha. That's wonderful! Speak to the monkey over there."

Ness walked over to the monkey, who spoke to her with his mind.

("I'll teach you teleportation.") he said. ("Let's go outside.")

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The monkey led them out of the hole and up into the desert, then down to the highway. When they reached the paved road, the monkey stopped.

("Okay, I'll do a teacher's demonstration. If you learn this, you can go anywhere you've been previously. You can go there instantly. This skill can't be used inside or underground, though.")

The monkey backed up a little bit, then took off running down the highway. He vanished through a portal with a flash of light, only to return a few minutes later with another flash of light.

("I went to Fourside and returned. I showed you the basic, straight course, but you can also turn if you have enough room. Okay! Why don't you try it, miss?")

Ness nodded, backing up, then running down the highway. There was a flash, and she found herself back where the teleporting monkey was.

("Great!") the monkey cheered. ("Okay, the teacher is going home now.") He ran back to the monkey hole.

"That was awesome, Ness!" Jeff exclaimed. "You can teleport now! And you actually did it! Man, I wish _I_ was psychic!"

Ness adjusted her hat, trying to look cool. "Well, not everyone can be as awesome as I am. Now let's go storm Monotoli's building and take the yogurt machine to that maid."

"Sure thing, boss!"


	11. Chapter 10: Cloudy Sky

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 10:** Cloudy Sky

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They found Monotoli's maid Electra waiting on the corner outside the Monotoli building.

"Did you bring the yogurt dispenser?" she asked.

"Got it right here." Ness told her, hefting the somewhat large device up.

"May I have it?"

Before Ness could answer, Electra grabbed the yogurt dispenser from her.

"Now I can make trout-flavored yogurt for my guests... You are so kind, I'll make some for you. My room's on the forty-eighth floor. Don't forget to drop by!"

She ran to the Monotoli building, but paused and turned around before entering.

"My room's on the forty-eighth floor. Don't forget to drop by!" she repeated, running into the building.

Ness scratched her head, turning to Jeff to see him shrug. She shrugged as well, so they entered the building and rode the elevator to the forty-seventh floor.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Once there, they walked across the floor to the elevator on the opposite wall.

"Shhh! Quiet! Aren't you Ness?" the elevator operated asked. "Mr. Monotoli's maid, Electra, told me about you. I'll take you to Mr. Monotoli's office on the forty-eighth floor. Only you and your boyfriend may go."

"He's not my boyfriend." Ness deadpanned, Jeff just blushing.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They reached the forty-eighth floor, the elevator operator turning to the two teenagers.

"Forty-eighth floor. A robot bodyguard is patrolling the floor. Be careful!"

Ness nodded, stepping out of the elevator and onto the forty-eighth floor.

They soon reached a hallway where a somewhat small robot was patrolling. It approached them.

"PLEASE STATE YOUR CODE NUMBER." It told them in a very robotic voice. "SAY YOUR CODE IN TEN SECONDS. TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX, FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE."

The robot aimed its arm gun at them, firing a bottle rocket that Ness and Jeff dove out of the way of. Ness readied her baseball bat and bashed it in the chassis, while Jeff shot his laser gun at its head, making it explode.

They fought several of these sentry robots before finding Electra's room in the maze of offices and meeting rooms.

"Your trout-flavored yogurt, ma'm." She told her, handing Ness a spoon and cup of the stuff.

"Uh... Thanks."

"Anytime, ma'am. Master Porky is cool! He loves the trout-flavored yogurt. He's the one who requested it."

"Uh... Right. Now, we should meet Monotoli."

"Through the door just outside and to the right. Try to ignore the cleaning robot."

"Sure. Thanks."

They left Electra's room and headed right, opening the door to find some sort of short, humanoid robot cleaning the area. It turned around and spotted the two teenagers, wobbling over to them.

"Ping! Clanket clankety..." it 'said'. "Rattle, rattle dwourrrrr!.. Squeeeek, tweet tweet... CLANK!"

"What's this robot's problem?" Ness asked.

Jeff adjusted his glasses, bending down to examine it closer. "Looks like it's malfunctioning."

The robot pointed its arm at them, which opened at the end and... fired a missile. Ness dove and shoved her and Jeff out of the way, the missile hitting the door behind them and exploding with surprising force.

"That's it! This thing is dead! PK Rockin' Beta!"

Ness brought her fingers to her temples and fired a psychokinetic shockwave at the robot. To her surprise, it was deflected by some kind of shield, hitting the teenaged tomboy with her own attack and sending her flying into the wall.

Several of her bones were broken... But luckily she had recently discovered the next level of Lifeup.

"Life...up... Gamma..." Ness moaned, casting the psychic spell on herself. She was fully healed, but it took a lot of mental energy out of her.

"Okay, psychic attacks won't work. Guess I'm smashin' this thing in with ol' Excalibat!"

Ness ran forward and bashed the robot in the head, denting it. Jeff fired his laser gun at it, but the dent corrected itself and the burn from the laser vanished.

"What's with this thing?" Ness wondered.

"Looks like it has an on-board automatic repair system." Jeff theorized.

"Then let's just hit this thing with everything we've got!"

Ness ran forward, swinging her bat with all her might. "Ness... Home... Run!"

She smashed it into the robot's head, completely destroying it, then jumped back as Jeff shot a big bottle rocket, several regular bottle rockets, a super bomb, and some regular bombs at it. When the dust cleared, it was little more than a pile of nuts, bolts, and scrap metal.

Sighing with relief, Ness fell to the ground, exhausted. But to her horror, the pile of scrap metal began to tremble, then started reassembling itself into the cleaning robot.

"No way!" Ness exclaimed.

"I give up..." Jeff sighed.

The door to the room burst open, and in ran five men in black suits.

"The Runaway Five?!" Ness asked in disbelief.

Lucky quickly ducked behind the cleaning robot, flipping a switch. The robot immediately powered down, limbs receding into its chassis and head folding down against its chest.

"I flipped the switch, and it stopped." He said.

"Ha ha ha hah... Geez, what a loser robot. It was so easy to stop!" Nice laughed.

"That was quick thinking!" Happy praised.

Ness stood up, shocked. "Lucky? Nice? Happy? All of you? How'd you get up here?" Ness asked in disbelief.

"We're celebrities. Turns out the elevator girls are huge Runaway Five fans."

"We don't have money, but we're strong, and we have groupies."

"I have to say, that was impressive." Jeff said, smiling. "I didn't even think about flipping the off switch."

"No, thank you. You kept it distracted so we could sneak behind it." Lucky explained.

"Now go in that office and get Paula!" Nice suggested.

Ness nodded, adjusting her hat and throwing open the doors to Geldegarde Monotoli's office.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness found an old, withered man in a fancy suit just inside. Jeff stomped up to him, but he backed away, throwing his arms up.

"Stop! I'm not going to fight at all! Honest!" he begged, running over to hide behind the couch.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you." Ness growled. "Paula, Everdred, Moonside, that damn statue... You've got a lot to answer for!"

"Just look at these skinny arms." Monotoli begged. "See my thin body? And my hair is completely white. Now that the Mani Mani Devil is gone, I have no power at all! I apologize for kidnapping Paula. I haven't harmed her in any way… and she was truly a nice girl."

He turned to Paula standing just a few feet away, perfectly fine. "Okay, Paula. Return to Ness now. I'm very sorry for causing you so much worry."

"Ness! Jeff... You finally made it here! I'm fine. I believed you'd come and save me. Mr. Monotoli isn't really a bad person. Take some time to listen to him."

Paula walked up, Jeff barreling past Ness and running up to hug the girl.

"Paula! You're safe!" he cried.

Paula hugged him back. "I am... and I'm glad you're safe, too, Jeff... I missed you... and I worried so much while you were gone..."

"I missed you too, Paula. Don't ever leave me- I mean, us, again."

While those too hugged it out, Ness turned to Monotoli.

"Tell me everything you know." she demanded.

"... Of course." he began. "The Mani Mani Devil shows people illusions. It then increases the evil in their hearts and brings forth the devil's power. I was so afraid of that power that I hid it in the storeroom in Boris's Bar, where I went to look upon it on occasion." He paused. "There were mysterious words inside the illusions, including your name, Ness. Things like, 'Stop Ness by your own hand!' And, 'Do not let them go to Summers!' And, 'Do not let them see the pyramid!' I don't really understand why, but someone apparently doesn't want you children to go to Summers. I also heard things like, 'The devil… Giygas…' Apparently, the devil's side doesn't want you going to Summers. Which means, of course, that you probably _should_ find a way to Summers somehow."

"Hm... Okay, I'll buy it." Ness concluded. "Guess we're headed to Summers. Where is it?"

"Summers is across the ocean, in Foggyland." Monotoli explained. "You can use my helicopter. Allow me to open the way to the heliport."

He walked over and pushed the stuffed bear in his office aside, opening a hidden door in the wall.

"I'm exhausted now. I'm sure you children can manage things on your own. It appears that that is your fate, Ness!"

"Hm... Okay, old man. I guess you get to live. We'll be taking that helicopter now."

"Of course. Well, goodbye, Paula. Please be careful on your way."

They climbed up the stairs through the hidden door, emerging on the helicopter pad on the roof of the Monotoli building. The helicopter was sitting on the helipad, but when Ness, Paula, and Jeff walked up to it, it started up on its own. It flew a few yards up, Porky sticking his head out of the window.

"Ness, you brain-dead moron! Struggle all you want, but you're still too late! Bye-bye! Now that old Monotoli is a nice guy again, I have no more use for him. I sure am glad to take his helicopter, though! Spankety-spankety! Bleh! Blehhh!" he mocked, sticking his tongue out.

The helicopter flew off, leaving Ness seething. Jeff sighed, gazing down at the ground, but Paula held his hand to put him at ease, making him blush.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They made their way back to Monotoli's office.

"What happened?" he asked, seeing them back so soon.

"Porky took the helicopter!" Ness growled.

"He did? That complicates things... I hope Porky will be okay..."

"I'm more concerned with how we're gonna get to Summers..." the teenaged tomboy sighed.

As they made their way for the door to the office, Paula stopped them, closing her eyes and bringing her fingers to her temples.

"What's she doing now?" Ness sighed.

"She's having a vision." Jeff explained.

After a moment, Paula stumbled, but Jeff grabbed her to steady her. "A-Are you okay, Paula?"

"Oooh... I was a little dizzy, but now I'm okay." she replied. "To get to Summers... we need to go back to Threed."

"Really?" Ness asked.

"Yes... Somehow I know that's where we must go..."

"Oh. Well, I can teleport now, so we can head back there in an instant."

"You can teleport, Ness?" Paula gasped.

"Yep. Monkey in Dusty Dunes taught me."

"That's incredible!"

"Yeah, I know I am." Ness chuckled.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Hey, you're back!" Nice exclaimed upon seeing the three of them. "And you got Paula back! That's great! Anything we can do to help out?"

"No, it's fine. Thank you, Nice." Paula answered. "We're just headed for Threed now, so we'll be on our way."

"Oh, let us take you on our tour bus!" Lucky suggested.

Paula smiled. "That sounds lovely."

"I'll get the bus and wait for you just outside the building." Nice explained.

The Runaway Five ran off to get everything ready. Ness turned to Paula.

"You know I can just teleport us there... right?"

"I know. But I can tell they really want to help. Just give them this one, okay?" the girl explained. Ness just sighed.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness' receiver phone rang as they made their way to the elevator. The teenaged tomboy answered it.

"Yes?"

"Hello! How are you? This is Apple Kid. I think I'm a real genius... In fact, I _know_ I'm a genius."

"Why?"

"Well, I have discovered the primary enemy of you and of all humanity. We have to fight and defeat this being... To do so, we need to invent a machine called the 'Phase Distorter.' I've got to find the wandering scientist, Dr. Andonuts, and make the distorter. So, I may be gone for a while. Later..."

He hung up. Ness shrugged, leading her team into the elevator.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They made their way to the ground floor, when Ness got another call on her receiver phone. She answered it.

"What is it now?"

"Hello! This is Orange Kid. I'm sorry I wasn't able to contact you before. I'm still working on the way to change boiled eggs into raw eggs. It's taking longer than I thought... I'm going to really work at it, though... Talk to me later."

He hung up. Growling in frustration, Ness led Paula and Jeff outside the building, where Nice and the Runaway Five's tour bus were waiting.

"Okay! You can get on the bus now..." he instructed.

Nodding, Ness, Paula, and Jeff climbed in, then it took off down the streets of Fourside.

"All right... on the Threed!" the drummer declared.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The Runaway Five's tour bus pulled into Threed, stopping on a small street south of the pizza parlor. Nice got out along with the three teenagers.

"All right! We made it!" he cheered. "I'm sorry we couldn't do more for you. Remember, though... we're on your side. When you're having a tough time, just think of our songs and imagine the Runaway Five singing somewhere far, far away... By the way, why was it you needed to come back to this town? Was it because you forgot something important here? How's that for a guess? Am I close?"

"Yes. Thank you for taking us." Paula thanked the man.

"No problem! See you later, and good luck!"

Nice climbed back into the bus, the vehicle driving down the road in the direction of Fourside.

Okay. Now they had to go find the Sky Runner.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They went to the Threed cemetery, finding the Sky Runner was mostly intact, and somewhat rebuilt.

Two of the Zombie Relief Corps were keeping an eye on it.

"Oh! You fixed it!" Ness exclaimed in surprise.

"Not really. We tried painting the outside of the Sky Runner to make it look like it was fixed, but we don't know how machines work, so we can't get it to run." one of the Zombie Relief Corps explained.

"Jeff, I'm sure you can fix it." Paula suggested.

Jeff blushed. "Yeah. Leave it to me." He climbed into the Sky Runner.

"Oh! This isn't that broken at all! All right, hold on for a bit." He tinkered around in it for a few minutes. "Okay! It should work now! Except, if we get into the Sky Runner now, it'll wind up taking us back to Winters. We'll need Dr. Andonuts' help to modify it to go to Summers. In the case that Dad, no, I mean Dr. Andonuts, isn't there… then I'll have to figure it out on my own somehow. But, for now, let's return to the lab in Winters."

"Is that our only choice?" Ness asked.

"Yeah. Let's go!" Jeff called from inside the vehicle.

Ness and Paula climbed in, the Sky Runner starting up and lifting into the sky. It flew them over the Dusty Dunes Desert, through Fourside, and finally to Dr. Andonuts' lab in Winters.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The minute the Sky Runner landed in the lab and Ness, Paula, and Jeff exited, they saw two monkeys standing before them, one of which walked up to them, wearing a bow, and began making monkey noises.

("Thanks for taking care of my husband the other day. Oh, yes. We finally tied the knot...")

"What's it saying?" Jeff asked.

"She's thanking you for taking care of that other monkey over there."

"Oh! That's the Bubble Monkey! He helped me out when I left Winters to join up with you guys." Jeff explained.

The female monkey turned to the Bubble Monkey. ("Honey, don't just stand there with your mouth open, say hello!")

The bubble monkey walked up.

("So...") he began. ("You passed by a cave north of Stonehenge. Don't you ever wonder what's inside? Can't seem to stop thinking about it! Go and see what's there! We're going to get out of here. We're still newlyweds, you know... Bye-bye!")

The monkeys ran off, Ness turning to Jeff.

"He mentioned a place in a cave north of Stonehenge." Ness told him, scratching her head.

"Oh! I saw a giant mushroom guarding an exit there. It could be one of Your Sanctuaries."

"Cool. But first, let's talk to Andonuts about modifying this Sky Runner."

They walked over to Dr. Andonuts, surprised to see a Big Foot nearby.

"Oh! You surprised me!" Dr. Andonuts said as he turned around. "You're Ness, aren't you?"

"Yes. Andonuts, we need you to remodel the Sky Runner to fly to Summers."

"Sure. You'll have to find something to do while I work, though."

"We can check out that possible Sanctuary of Yours, Ness." Paula suggested.

"Oh, yes. Big Foot there is a violence-hating, people-loving nice guy. I often buy beef jerky from him and such."

Ness looked over at the Big Foot nearby. He certainly didn't _look_ hostile. Walking up to him, she saw him remove a pack from his back and open it to reveal some food. They bought some beef jerky, bottles of water, and a cup of noodles from him.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They made their way north past Stonehenge, fighting polar bears and hostile Big Foots nothing like the friendly one from Dr. Andonuts' lab. When they entered the cave, it was just a few yards before they found the giant mushroom. It roared, scattering some spores that made a mushroom grow on Jeff's head. Jeff flailed around a bit as he struggled to control his uncooperative body, but Paula walked over and removed it for him, tossing it aside.

Ness ran forward and bashed the mushroom in the head, finding it had no bones, as the mushroom's head snapped back and down, then back into place.

"Paula, burn this bastard!" Ness commanded.

"PK Fire Beta!" Paula called, sending a wave of fire forward that lit the giant mushroom ablaze. Jeff then fired a bottle rocket, blowing up the mushroom and reducing it to burnt dregs.

Stepping through they exit, they found themselves in front of a puddle that had rain falling down on it, but only on that one spot. The water looked a little murky, though... Ness, Paula, and Jeff felt their weariness vanish, while Ness alone heard the melody of the Rainy Circle. The teenaged tomboy also could've sworn she smelled potato skins for a second...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They returned to Dr. Andonuts' lab.

"Oh, you're back!" the scientist greeted them. "I finished remodeling the Sky Runner. You can leave for Summers whenever you wish. It shouldn't break this time... Well, maybe..."

"Cool. Thanks, Andonuts." Ness thanked him.

They climbed back into the Sky Runner, Jeff manning the controls as it started up.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness kicked back and took a nap while Jeff flew it. But she woke up partway through and opened one of her eyes to see Paula and Jeff sitting next to each other. She feigned sleep, merely listening closely to what they were talking about.

"Jeff, why do you look so down?"

Jeff sighed. "Dr. Andonuts is my father... But he clearly doesn't treat me like his son... He didn't even acknowledge me being there when we showed up to have the Sky Runner remodeled..."

"And... This upsets you?"

"Yeah, I guess... My father abandoned me at Snow Wood Boarding School when I was five years old. I never met my mother. I've often wondered what it's like to have parents who love you..."

"Jeff..." Paula took his hands in hers. "I'm sure Dr. Andonuts loves you in his own way. He just has an odd way of showing it. I have a mother and a father who are very close to me... So, um... If we ever get married, you can share my parents with me." Paula blushed.

Jeff blushed too. "Uh... Paula, I... kind of have a confession to make..."

"Um... You do?"

"Yeah... Having you kidnapped... made me realize how much you mean to me."

"...You mean..."

"Uh, yeah... Snow Wood Boarding School is an all-boys school, and I've lived my whole life there... I don't know if it's because you and Ness are the first two girls my age I've met in ten years, but... You mean a lot to me... Paula..."

"And... Ness doesn't?"

"Well... Ness is our leader. I respect her as my boss, sort of. But... You're different. I genuinely... care for you. To be honest, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Jeff..."

"But... I know I'm not good enough for you..."

"Jeff... Stop."

"I mean, I'm just a timid nerd who's good at fixing things, and you're a powerful psychic hero-"

He was cut off as Paula kissed him. It was a fairly innocent kiss, but a passionate one. She held it for maybe five seconds before she pulled away, a blush on both their faces.

"Jeff... Don't _ever_ say you're not good enough for me. You're a very brave boy. It took courage to leave the only home you've ever known to go seeking two people you didn't know in a different country. And just because you're not psychic, it doesn't mean you're any less of a hero than Ness or me. You're..." her blush deepened. "..._my_ hero."

"Paula... I..."

The girl giggled. "Your glasses are fogging up."

"Oh, uh... sorry."

"Here. Let me."

Paula gently took Jeff's glasses off, breathing on the lenses and cleaning it with the fabric of her skirt. When she turned to give them back, she paused.

"Oh... Jeff..."

"Um... What's wrong?"

"You have... beautiful eyes. Blue-gray, like a thin layer of clouds over the sky."

"R... Really? No one's... No one's ever said they liked my eyes before..."

"Has anyone ever seen you without your glasses?"

"Uh... Just Tony, my friend from Snow Wood..."

Paula giggled, placing the glasses back on Jeff. "Then that's probably why."

Ness felt sick to her stomach, watching those two love birds be all lovey-dovey like that.

Though... She always could tell Jeff and Paula had a connection. She supposed it was their time apart that made them realize they liked each other. Ness... actually felt kind of left out. In her fifteen years of life, she'd never had a boyfriend... or even a first kiss. It... made her wonder if she'd find someone to hold her during this mission... A prince to protect the street rat...


	12. Chapter 11: Magic Cake

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 11:** Magic Cake

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The Sky Runner flew over the harbor of Toto, moving to hover over the beach in Summers. It flew around for a bit before steadily falling from the air... and crashing on the beach.

When Ness, Paula, and Jeff woke up, they found the Sky Running reduced to little more than small pieces of scrap metal. Jeff sighed.

"I should've flown it better..."

Paula put her hand on his shoulder. "It wasn't your fault, Jeff. The Sky Runner was barely holding together as it was." Jeff managed a small smile.

"Hm... So this is Summers." Ness mused, looking around at all the sand and palm trees. "It's like a resort tourist destination. Maybe later we can enjoy the beach a little, but for now, I'm hungry. Let's head for that restaurant and order some food."

Paula giggled. "Whatever you say, boss."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The three took a seat at a table in the nearest restaurant. Ness perused the menu.

"Hey, waitress!"

The waitress walked up. "I beg your bardon, but I am a server, not a waitress."

"Whatever. Do you serve potato skins here?"

"Potato skins? Please... We do not have such trash on our menu."

Ness growled, gripping the menu tightly out of frustration. "Then just get me the chef's special and a can of fruit juice. You got that?"

"As you wish. And you, miss and sir?"

"Um... I'll have the Kraken soup and a cup of coffee, please." Jeff order.

"Pasta di Summers and a royal iced tea for me, please."

"Of course. Do enjoy your stay in Summers."

Ness sighed, resting her chin in her hand as her elbow rested on the table. She was really craving some potato skins... She hadn't had some since Paula's mom made her some by request before they left Twoson, and they weren't anything like her mom's potato skins. Ness had been calling her mom regularly on the phone, and that fought off the homesickness, but it didn't fight off her cravings for potato skins. Then again, Ness could teleport now. She could just 'port on over to Onett and stop by for dinner.

"Excuse me."

Ness looked to see a bus boy had approached them.

"Are you from Eagleland?"

"Well... Ness and I are. Jeff is from Winters." Paula told him.

"Ah, Winters. Our sister country. Well, if you like adventure, this isn't your kind of place. You should travel across the sea to Scaraba from Toto, the port town."

"Scaraba? What's there?"

"Well, the pyramids, for one. There's also a lovely market with goods from all over the world."

Hm? Monotoli mentioned a pyramid from his Mani Mani visions.

"When is the next boat to Scaraba?"

"Oh, all charters to Scaraba have been cancelled indefinitely."

"Why?"

"Sea monster showed up about a month ago and has been terrorizing the route between Toto and Scaraba. You'd have to ask one of the fishermen to take you, but I only know one fisherman who's crazy enough to do that.

Wait... take a boat? Uh oh... What if it rocked, and Ness fell overboard? She'd be dead meat...

"Well, thank you. We'll keep it in mind." Paula told him.

"Oh, if you're going to Scaraba, you may want to check out the Scaraba Cultural Museum. You know, educate yourselves before heading to a different country."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The Scaraba Cultural museum was a waste of time. At least, in Ness' opinion. There was a closed-off room, though, but the guard wouldn't let them in unless they gave him a gemstone. Which, of course, they didn't freaking have! Nobody carries around jewels with them. Sheesh...

Ness, Paula, and Jeff made their way to the port town of Toto, and after asking around, found the only sailor willing to go out to Scaraba despite the Kraken.

"Oh, hello there! Would you like a boat ride?" he asked.

Well, that was easy. "Yes. To Scaraba. How much?"

"Sorry, but I don't feel like sending a ship out. I'm worried about my wife... I'm not afraid of the Kraken!" He paused. "My wife's totally ignoring her magic cake business. These days she spends her time hanging out in a strange club. We no longer have any mutual interests to discuss. Is our relationship over?" He sighed.

"Okay, if we get your wife out of that weirdo club and back to her magic cake business, will you take us out to Scaraba?" Ness asked him.

"Well... Yes, I suppose so. But it's hard to get into the Stoic Club. You need to make a reservation, and the number is secret."

"Your wife goes there all the time. Do you have the number?"

"Actually... Yes, I do."

"Good. Write it on this." Ness pulled a notepad and pen out of backpack, which the sailor scribbled the number onto after looking it up in his address book.

"Good luck, you kids." He told them.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They stopped by the local retail store so Ness could use the phone. Paula and Jeff looked at the swimsuits for sale.

"Um... Thinking of buying one?" Jeff asked.

"Well... No... I mean, if we find the time to play at the beach, I guess I'd buy one... But most of these are a bit... risque."

"Oh... Yeah... Well, think about it, okay? For me?"

"Um... Sure, Jeff."

Ignoring those two lovebirds, Ness put a dollar in the phone and dialed the number the sailor had given her.

"Hello, this is the Stoic Club."

"Yeah. This is Ness. I'd like to make a reservation. Party of three."

"Certainly. We are looking forward to having you here. Thank you."

He hung up. Hm... That was easy. Ness hung up the phone as well.

"C'mon, you two lovebirds. We're goin' to the Stoic Club."

Paula and Jeff stepped away from each other, blushing. "We-We're not a couple!" Paula stammered.

"Uh-huh. Sure. Just follow me, you two."

Jeff sighed... "Are we even... boyfriend and girlfriend... right now?" he asked.

Paula blushed at the thought. "Um... Uh... I d-don't know... Maybe not yet..."

"Oh..." Jeff sighed, dejected.

"Soon, though. Okay, Jeff?"

"Yeah. Okay." That lifted his spirits a little. There was hope.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness stepped in, finding a few tables and chairs, a bar, and a stage... with a big rock sitting on it.

"Didactically speaking, seminal evidence seems to explicate the fact that your repudiation of entropy supports my theory of space-time synthesis. Of this, I am irrefutably confident."

"You guys can't envision the final collapse of capitalism? Incredible!"

"Mmmmm. I think it's a very complicated issue... Oh, sorry! I was sleeping..."

Ness walked up to talk to the bartender.

"You don't understand what the hey everyone is talking about, do you?" he asked.

"Not a bit."

"I don't either, but I try to be patient with the customers. They pay high prices just for a glass of water and the chance to have serious, intellectual discussions. Actually, it's an easy business. You want a drink?"

"Uh... Sure."

"We only serve water, though... And it's expensive..."

"Never mind, then." She then turned to the waitress walking by. "Hey, when does the show start?"

"The show? It's already started. Everyone stares at the stone on stage and philosophizes... Doesn't it sound stupid?"

"Very."

There only seemed to be one man who wasn't engaged in conversation with other people. Ness approached him and sat down next to him at the table.

"What's up? I'm lookin' for the lady who used to make magic cakes."

"Really? You know, I really want to eat some magic cake, myself. It's a mysterious work of art... I can't get that cake off my mind."

"Uh, yeah. Me too. Know where I can find some?"

"There's only one woman who can make magic cake... She's hanging out in this club."

"She is? Where is she?"

"She's right over there at the entrance..."

"Thanks."

"Anyway, the absolute irony and study of self-identification is..."

Yikes! Ness got the hell away from that guy. She walked over to the lady in the pink dress and earrings by the entrance.

"Hi."

"Hi!"

"Watcha doin' in a place like this?"

"Well, I've finally awakened the inner me, the true self. The patrons of this club are able to stare into their own soul hard enough to burn a hole in their psyche. I'm now comfortable enough to stare at the real me, the true self, and burn the impression into my super-ego. I want to be in this comfort zone at any time, all the time, or at no time. My id is telling me..."

"Lady, I have no idea what the hell you're talkin' about. I just want some magic cake."

"What? What? Magic cake? You came all this way just to eat my magic cake?"

"You bet! All three of us did." Ness assured her.

"I see... Okay... Why don't you stop by a little cart out on the beach later?"

She turned and left.

"Ness... I think you really did a good thing there. She seemed so happy that we wanted to eat her magic cake. I think you helped get her life back on track." Paula praised.

"Yep. Now let's go talk to that sailor."

"Ness! You don't actually intend to eat her magic cake?"

"Of course not. Let's go."

"Ness!" Paula scolded. "We're going to eat that lady's magic cake whether you like it or not. And you _will_ like it. Clear?"

Ness sighed. "Yes, Mom."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They stayed the night in the expensive hotel. Three rooms was just far too expensive. So much so, that Paula finally agreed to rooming together when Ness told her she didn't have the money for even two rooms. Which, was a lie, but anything to save some of her daddy's money. It was a bit awkward when Paula walked into the bathroom the next morning finding Ness brushing her teeth in the nude, though. Jeff, however, was a perfect gentleman, according to Paula. She said next time, she was sharing a room with Jeff, and Ness would get her own room. Ness was fine with that. At least it wouldn't be three separate rooms. She was actually hoping this would be the push Paula needed to room with Jeff. Call it the matchmaker in her. Ugh... and if she really did have some matchmaker in her, she despised that part of her with a passion.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They left the hotel and found the sailor's wife at a stand, a big cake ready on it.

"I don't know who told you." she began. "You came from far off just to eat my magic cake?"

"Yep! Two from Eagleland, one from Winters. Your magic cakes are famous there!" Ness lied.

"I thought making cakes would be the best career for me. Dig in! I used the last of my ingredients. This is a very special magic cake!

Sighing, Ness grabbed a piece, as did Paula and Jeff. They each took a bite. But then... everything started getting blurry... The next thing Ness knew, she was on the ground, her eyelids growing heavy as Paula and Jeff also fell to the ground.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Poo awoke that morning sore from the previous day's training. Hm... And he had another dream about that girl. The girl who he would serve in the war against Giygas.

To many of his subjects, it would seem odd for a prince to serve a simple teenager from Eagleland. But this was Prince Poo of Dalaam's destiny. He was resigned to his fate, though he had a feeling his masters kept much from him.

Getting up, he got dressed in his usual karate gi and tied his hair in a topknot. Eating a bowl of rice gruel with a bit of delisauce and a glass of water, he arose ready to face the final trial before he made the chosen four team complete.

Stepping down the stairs, he passed by several of the girls who cleaned his palace. They always stopped to bow to him as he passed. Thing was, Dalaam's capital city had only had girls born for the past fifteen years. Poo was the only teenaged boy in his city.

In actuality, Dalaam was a country that resided in the sky. It rested on a power spot known as the Pink Cloud, but the entrance to the caves leading to its focal point were mysteriously sealed by rabbit statues. But he knew the chosen hero would find the way to bypass the rabbits soon. He would make sure of it.

Heading down to the throne room, Prince Poo sat at the throne, ready to govern his kingdom by listening to the latest requests and offerings from his people.

Ever since his father and mother died, he'd been governing the kingdom alone. He was still a prince, though. He would be until he married one of Dalaam's many beautiful women. Every girl found him attractive. But Poo felt he was destined for one person, one he had never met yet...

One man approached him with a request for funding to build a new merchant's guild to rival the current one. Some were people just coming to offer him things. One person brought a 'brain stone' that would keep enemies from disrupting his senses and rendering him unable to use his inherent psychic powers. Another offered a simple small ruby. Poo gratefully accepted both gifts.

"And, finally, the local children would like to play with you, Prince Poo. This is the last sanction of the day, then we can finalize your training." Poo's master, Yi-Si-Qi explained.

"Tell them I will play with them another day. My place in the chosen four awaits." Poo decreed.

"Very well. Then it seems the time has now come for you to undertake your final trial. Go to the place of emptiness and endure this final test. I am praying for your success in this final stage of your training."

Poo made his way down the road from the palace, walking the streets of the capitol city of Dalaam. People all along the way stopped to bow to him, as he ruled their country with fairness and generosity. He finally reached the place of nothingness, a training spot where one must clear their mind of everything to learn the true meaning of emptiness. There, the Star Master, one of Poo's many masters, waited for him.

"You have quite strong eyes, indeed. You must be Prince Poo."

Poo bowed to the elder. "Greetings, Star Master. I am here for the final trial."

"Long ago, I completed training at the place of nothingness. I would like to show you a higher level of intelligence... However, even _I_ am still realizing and learning this high level... Quickly, make your way up the ropes, to the top of the spire. You shall meditate there."

"Of course, Star Master."

"We shall meet again. Farewell, Prince Poo."

The star master vanished in a perfect Teleport Omega. Poo only was up to Teleport Beta, so it showed the Star Master's skill.

Climbing the rope, poo reached the top of the spire, arranging himself in a meditative pose and closing his eyes. He tried to clear all thoughts from his mind...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Prince Poo of Dalaam..."

Poo saw the vision of the face of his ancestor, appearing to him from within his own mind.

"I am the spirit of your ancient lineage. To complete your trial, I am going to break your legs. You will lose the use of them. Do you accept this?"

"Yes." Poo told his ancestor with his mind. He immediately felt a sharp, searing pain in his legs, then they went numb.

"So, Prince Poo... You cannot walk, as your legs are broken. Next, I will tear your arms off... I shall then take your arms and feed them to the crows. The taking of your arms... Do you accept this?"

"Yes." He felt a searing, red-hot pain in his arms, then they too went numb.

"Ah, Prince Poo... Without legs and arms, you can only lie there... Now, I'll cut your ears off. You do not mind my taking your hearing away, do you? Do you accept this?"

"Yes." Poo felt pain in his ears, then found he couldn't hear the chanting of his ancestors.

("So, Prince Poo. No legs, no arms, and no sound... By floating words through the air, I must ask you... Do you care if I take your eyes? Do you want to live in eternal darkness? I will now crush your eyeballs. Do you accept this?")

"Yes." He felt red-hot pain in his eyes, then he could no longer see the spirit of his ancient lineage. All was dark and silent.

("So, Prince Poo. Now, I can only communicate directly with your mind. Your mind is all you have left... In the end, I will take your mind, though you probably don't want to allow that, do you? So... You can't answer? You can't even move? Are you sad, are you lonely? If you lose your mind, you also lose any feelings of sadness... Do you accept this? I will take your mind, Prince Poo. Know that I will possess it...")

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Poo awoke to find himself atop the spire, all his body parts intact. It had been painful, but he had passed the trial of nothingness.

"Prince Poo!"

Poo looked to see a servant from the palace standing on the ledge facing the spire.

"You have now completed your training! Yi-Si-Qi must be so pleased! Hurry, now, and return to the palace."

Poo climbed back down the ropes and headed back up to the palace. He had passed his final trial... It was time to fulfill his destiny.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"I am proud." Yi-Si-Qi, Poo's head master, said to him upon his return to the throne room. "You have completed your training at the place of nothingness. I, Yi-Si-Qi, have nothing left to teach you."

He stepped forward, placing his hands on Poo's shoulders.

"Prince Poo, I will now relay the revelations of the heavens to you, the prince of Dalaam and one of the chosen ones. The evil entity that controls all wickedness is preparing for the greatest struggle of all time... The only ones who can challenge the entity are two boys and two girls. One named Ness is the leader of the four. One of the boys is you, Prince Poo. Now that you've completed your training, search out Ness at once. She is your destiny. For the countless people out there... For the peace of the world... May you become a powerful force!"

"Goodbye, Master." Poo bowed to Yi-Si-Qi, spinning in place for a perfect Teleport Gamma. When he was gone, the Star Master appeared before Yi-Si-Qi.

"You chose not to tell him that Ness is his destiny in more ways than one, I take it..."

"I do not want to plant the seed in his mind... I want it to sow itself and grow naturally. If I put any suggestion into his mind, it would become artificial."

"Hm... Prince Poo of Dalaam will be King Poo of Dalaam by Giygas' defeat."

"Indeed..."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness wasn't sure why she dreamed of a boy named Poo in a foreign sky country... It was a very clear, vivid dream. But next thing she knew, he appeared before her, spinning in place.

"Healing Gamma!"

The boy cast the psychic spell on them, curing them of the poison of the magic cake. Ness stood up, looking at the new boy. Hm... Karate gi. Topknot. Serious look in his eyes. Yep, she hated him.

"My name is Prince Poo of Dalaam. I am the one who will fight beside you. I am the servant of Ness. I will obey Ness. Ness! My life is in your hands."

Hm... She may not like him, but he'd prove to be useful if he was as loyal to her as he claimed to be. Ness grinned evilly and rubbed her palms together.

Looks like the gang was all here. The chosen four were complete.


	13. Chapter 12: Downtime

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By _Cyberweasel89_

**Chapter 12:** Downtime

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"So... Poo, was it? Where are you from?" Paula asked the boy.

"I am from Dalaam."

"Dalaam? Where's that?" Jeff asked.

"It rests on a large cloud floating over Chommo. We have maintained our independence for centuries, so very few outside sources have affected our culture."

"Sounds lame." Ness dismissed.

Paula shot Ness a glare. "Well, your country does not seem 'lame' to me."

"Thank you. I assure you, I have many skills I can bring to the table. Where were you headed next, by the way?"

"Scaraba. We were right about to take a boat to look at the pyramid."

"From what I learned in my studies, the pyramid has been closed off for many years."

"Great. How do we get in?" Jeff asked.

"The hieroglyphics in the Scaraba Cultural Museum should have a way in. I can read them."

"Wow, you do bring a lot of skills to the table." Paula praised.

"Yeah, but this'll probably be the only time it's useful."

Paula shot Ness another glare. Luckily, it missed, and a street sign a few yards behind her and to the left exploded.

"Yeah, but we saw the museum, and there were no hieroglyphics. That means they must be in the closed exhibit, but we can't get in unless we give the guard a gemstone."

"Gemstone? Would this work?"

Poo reached into satchel and held up the small ruby.

"Whoa!" Ness exclaimed, eyes widening at the sight of the gem.

"You really came prepared, didn't you?" Paula said, smiling at him.

"Not at all. This was given to me as tribute, and I forgot I had it on me."

"Tribute?" Jeff questioned.

"I am crown prince of my country."

Ness' jaw dropped. Hm... That had possibilities. Too bad he was such an up-tight lame-ass.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

After paying twelve dollars to admit the four of them, they passed by a man who was dressed like a scientist. He seemed to be talking to himself.

"Apparently, Mr. Spoon of the Fourside Natural Museum has been calling lately, acting all proud and boastful about something… But what about, I wonder? Argh, I just gotta know! Argh, this is so frustrating!" He noticed the four teenagers. "…Oh, I was just talking to myself. Don't pay it any attention." He coughed.

Curious, but realizing they had more important things to do, the chosen four made their way to the second floor, where the guard stood waiting in front of the closed exhibit.

"Like I said, I can't let you in unless I get a bit of incentive." The guard told them.

Poo walked up, handing him the small ruby.

"Good enough for ya?" Ness asked with a smirk.

"You're such a good student. I'm impressed by your passion for learning. Come in." He opened the door, ushering them in.

Poo walked up to the hieroglyphic slab, studying it carefully.

"What's it say?" Paula asked him.

"We constructed a pyramid fortress to battle an invader from the heavens. However, we were defeated. Nonetheless, our fortress was protected by the gods of Scaraba. It is said that every one thousand years, the invader from the heavens will be reborn and attack again. Hidden in the depths of time, the invader placed a hive of evil. The depths of time are far beyond Deep Darkness. Beyond the Lost Underworld. Deep Darkness is completely dark. Only the Hawk Eye can see. The Sphinx watches over all, waiting for the coming of a truly brave warrior. Star, four, three, two, five, arranged in a star pattern. Dance in front of the Sphinx."

"What does that mean?" Jeff wondered.

"It means we should go to Scaraba. The pyramid is the key."

"Well, duh." Ness sighed. "We were planning to go there anyway."

"Excellent!" the guard exclaimed. "Do you feel like you're really experiencing this great historical period? The experience is more valuable than a small gem..." He laughed. "The other day, a rich kid came to Summers by helicopter. He took a picture of the hieroglyphs. I got lots of money from him." He chortled.

"What? Porky was here?" Ness exclaimed.

"Porky?" Poo questioned.

"Ugh. You weren't here to see him. Someone explain it to Mr. late-to-the-party." Ness sighed.

"Porky is Ness's neighbor." Paula explained. "He helped kidnap me in Twoson and imprisoned me for a religious cult in Happy Happy Village. It seemed as if he was brainwashed by the cult, but then we find him as Mr. Monotoli's partner. Both cases involved the Mani Mani statue, so we thought maybe it was manipulating him, but Ness and Jeff smashed the statue, so we're not sure what Porky is after."

"Could he be working for Giygas?" Poo wondered.

"It's possible, but we don't know how he could have been in contact with Giygas, unless the Mani Mani statue was related to Giygas. But considering Ness' neighbor dug it up randomly in Onett, that's unlikely. It just seemed like his dad started traveling on business and took him with him."

"But you need to keep in mind, the Mani Mani statue was telling Monotoli to prevent us from going to Summers. Which means it probably _is_ related to Giygas."

"Hm... And this Porky is an old friend of Ness'?"

"Hell no." Ness deadpanned. "He was just my annoying next door neighbor. He desperately wanted to be my friend, but no way would I be friends with that fat lard of cowardice."

"Hm... Was he prone to wrongdoing before?" Poo asked.

"He just played some pranks around Onett, which meant no one liked him. But he was never the spiteful jerk he is now. Sure, he was a coward and annoying, but never like this."

"Hm... It may be possible he is being manipulated by Giygas. Try to appeal to the part of him that is still in control of his actions."

"Ugh. Like that'd work. This isn't some children's story. You must be some pampered prince."

Poo said nothing in response. The chosen four turned to leave, but the guard stopped them.

"Wait one second. Here's a picture of the hieroglyphs just for you. It's a reward for studying so hard." He handed them a photograph. "Use it in your Human Civilization class." He laughed at that.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

As they left, they passed by the front desk, finding a phone there ringing. The receptionist was nowhere to be found. Shrugging, Ness picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hello! Is this Mr. Fork of the Scaraba Cultural Museum?"

Ness tried to deepen her voice. "Um... Yes."

"It doesn't sound like you..."

"Uh..."

"Well, I'll quickly tell you my story, 'cause I'm busy, busy, busy! I found something so extraordinary that mere words could not do it justice."

"Um... Who are you?"

"What do you mean, 'who am I?' Don't you recognize my voice? It's me, Mr. Spoon from the Fourside Museum of Natural History! Look Mr. Fork, I'm not exaggerating this find! I'm telling you... It's fantastic!... It's outrageous!..."

He hung up.

"You guys hear all that?" Ness asked as she turned to her teammates.

"Yes. Why on Earth would you answer a phone call clearly meant for someone else while pretending to be that person?" Paula scolded, crossing her arms and tapping her foot.

"Whatever. I say we teleport on over Fourside and see what he's talking about. It could be an ancient weapon of some sort!"

"Oh, allow me."

"What do you mean, 'allow me,' Poo?" Jeff asked.

"I know Teleport Beta. It's much more efficient than Teleport Alpha."

"Whoa! Ness only knows Teleport Alpha!" Paula exclaimed.

Great. The new guy was even trying to upstage her. Man, she hated this guy.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They teleported over to Fourside and entered the museum, paying five dollars per person.

"Huge!..." A girl called as they entered. Ness looked down at her breasts, while Paula blushed and turned away, arms crossed over her chest. "Not you. I'm talking about the dinosaur bones."

Hm... Ness and Jeff couldn't help but wonder why Paula had reacted the way she had.

They walked up to a door blocked off by a man in a lab coat.

"We heard you discovered something 'extraordinary.'" Ness questioned him.

He paused for a while. "Hmmmm... You know, there's a new singer named Venus at the Topolla Theater. Could you bring me her autograph on an eraser? Then, I'll show you something 'extraordinary.'"

"Seriously? You want us to get Venus' autograph on an eraser before you show us your find?"

He paused. "Oh, if you can get her autograph on anything, don't worry about the eraser... I don't care if the autograph is written on toilet paper..."

"Ugh... Fine..." Ness groaned, directing her team to follow her.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They went just down the street to the Topolla theater, buying tickets for the show and stopping in to see it. Ness had to admit... Venus' singing wasn't her kind of music, either. Paula, though, seemed to love her.

They approached the dressing room after the show, finding an usher guarding it.

"Ah, you're friends of the Runaway Five..." he said upon seeing them. "Did you come to see Miss Venus? Come inside quickly. Don't let the other fans see you enter."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Hm? Who are you four?" Venus asked upon seeing them enter the room.

"We're friends of the Runaway Five. I'm Ness."

"Oh! Lucky mentioned you. You helped him and the rest of the band out of a few problems, didn't you?"

"Yep. We were wondering if we could get your autograph."

"For friends of the Runaway Five? Of course. Have anything I can sign?"

"Uh..." Ness reached into her backpack. "Banana peel?"

"That'll work." She took it and signed it. "Here you go." She handed it to her. "Oh, and this is a bonus..." She leaned in and gave Ness a kiss on the cheek. The teenaged tomboy was definitely surprised, a blush coming to her face despite herself. Paula seethed, clearly jealous, while Jeff blushed and looked away. Poo crossed his arms and furrowed his brow.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"Hey. What did you kids want?" he asked as they walked up.

"Does this name look familiar?" Ness asked, tossing him the banana peel.

"You got it!" Mr. Spoon exclaimed. "This banana peel has an authentic 'Venus' Autograph? Yep, there's no doubt about it! Now for my promise. I'll tell you about something 'extraordinary.' In the next room, there is a light shining from far, far below the manhole. There, I found a huge, monster rat!"

"What."

"I'm not trying to pull your leg... I'll let you go there and check it out for yourself."

"Why would we want to see a giant monster rat?" Ness asked, crossing her arms under her breasts.

"Because... this part of the sewers... it doesn't feel like my place. Heh, hey, maybe it's your place, right? That'd be the day!" He laughed at that, moving aside so they could enter. Ness perked at what he said. That sure sounded familiar... Time for another her Sanctuary power spot. Yes!

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They climbed down the ladder to the sewers, finding... it smelled down there.

"Ugh. How deep is that water?" Ness wondered. If she feel off the narrow walkway...  
"I doubt it's anything more than three feet deep." Jeff theorized.

"That's not very comforting..."

They traveled along the walkway, fighting mice, roaches, and garbage can ghosts. Ness found that Poo, despite not having a weapon, was quite a skilled martial artist, skilled in unarmed combat. His kicks and punches had a surprising amount of power behind them.

Though a few drums blocked the way along the walkway, ness was able to blow them away with a PK Rockin' Alpha. So far, it didn't seem like Poo, though psychic, had many psychic powers aside from biokinesis like Ness. He was a very skilled healer, probably more so than Ness, and that just pissed her off. This guy was upstaging her left and right!

At the end of the sewer tunnel, true to Mr. Spoon's claim, they found a giant, ugly, monster sewer rat.

"Ew! It's disgusting!" Paula cried.

The rat screeched and ran forward, turning and whipping its huge tail at them.

"Shield Sigma!"

A wall of white light was erected in front of them by Poo, the rat's tail ramming into each one and doing nothing.

"Brainshock Alpha!" Poo cried. The rat looked about wildly, like it was confused or something, and began ramming into walls and biting its own tail.

"Now! Hit it with everything you have!" Poo instructed.

"PK Freeze Gamma!" Paula called, firing a wave of ice at the rat.

Jeff fired a big bottle rocket at it.

Ness, pissed that Poo was again upstaging her, sent a PK Rockin' Beta at the rat. The rat froze solid from the wave of ice, cracked from the psychokinetic shockwave, and finally shattered from the big bottle rocket.

Paula and Jeff gathered around Poo. "That was awesome!"

"Yeah, you're amazing, Poo!"

Poo just bowed to them. "It was nothing. Merely many years of harsh training."

Ness, seething, climbed the ladder the rat had guarded.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

At the top of the manhole was a yard surrounded by buildings and brick walls, with a metallic spire in the center. Jeff claimed it was highly magnetic, judging from the way it was pulling his glasses. Ness alone heard the melody of Magnet Hill, and for just an instant, thought she saw a baby's bottle in her mind.

Nearby was a box. Ness walked over to it and found...

"What the hell are these?"

Jeff took a look at them. "They look like... black carrots."

"Hm... Weird." Paula mused. "What do you think they're for? They don't look edible. They're clearly figurines."

"Who cares? Let's just get out of here." Ness dismissed.

"Okay. Poo, is there enough room to teleport us out of here? We're outside, after all." Jeff asked.

"Of course. Where to?"

"Take us back to Summers." Ness instructed.

"Okay. Why? Are we taking the boat to Scaraba now?"

"Nope. I have a surprise for all of you."

Ness just grinned evilly. She knew exactly how to win her team back to her...

**XXXXXXXXXX**

"You're giving us money to buy swimsuits?"

"Yeah! I've got plenty from my daddy."

"And what use are these swimsuits?"

"Duh. We're going to enjoy the beach for a day."

"Why?"

"Ugh. We need to relax once in a while. This entire trip has been nothing but fighting and getting injured or frustrated."

"Or covered in puke."

"Good point, nerd."

"Covered in puke?"

"Um... It's a long story, Poo."

"So... Just pick whichever one we want and you'll buy it for us?"

"You bet!"

"Hm... I guess we could use a little downtime."

"Great! Let's get started!"

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ness had been waiting outside the changing room for a long time. She knocked on the door for what felt like the tenth time.

"Paula? What's taking so long?"

"Um... I can't come out."

"Why?"

"This is... indecent."

"It's a frilly one piece. I don't see how it could be indecent. I'm coming in whether you like it or not.

"No! Don't!"

Ness opened the changing room to find Paula indeed wearing a frilly one piece swimsuit. It was pink, with red polka dots and a pink flowery skirt. But...

"Paula? What the fuck are those?" Ness asked, pointing.

"Um... M-My... breasts..." Paula stammered.

"Holy shit. Where were you hiding those?"

"Uh... A bra does wonders, Ness."

The swimsuit was clearly too small around Paula's chest, which struggled to contain her breasts.

"How big are they?"

"Um... F-cup."

"Huh?"

"I-It's a bra size."

"So... Why do you hide those monsters?"

"They're... embarrassing..."

"Shit, Paula. If you showed off a little, I'd bet guys would be all over you."

"I don't want guys all over me... I want to find a boy who will like me for who I am, not my body..."

"Ugh. Whatever. Sure I can't convince you to try a two piece?"

"N-No!"

"Fine... Take that thing off and come to the front. The nerd and Mr. Late-to-the-party already selected their swimsuits."

"They have names, you know. Jeff and Poo." Paula scolded.

"Yeah, whatever. Fact is, I don't like any of you people. You're a prissy little prude, Jeff is a timid nerd, and Poo is some pampered prince."

"Then why agree to invite us to the beach?"

"Just thought I'd try being nice for a change." Ness lied.

"Uh-huh. What's the real reason, Ness?"

"Hey, I'm telling the truth! You guys have saved my ass plenty of times. About time I returned the favor." Ness defended.

Paula sighed. "Fine... Let's go buy these things. What did you select, Ness?"

"Oh, you'll find out." Ness grinned evilly.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

They arrived at the Summers beach. Jeff was dressed in some simple green swim trunks, but his eyes bugged out at seeing Paula's chest revealed for the first time. Paula crossed her arms over her breasts protectively, uncomfortable. But then her jaw dropped when she saw the revealing white bikini Ness was wearing. Ness, on the other hand, did a double-take at the black speedo Poo was wearing. Shit... He was built. Toned abs, defined muscles. How could a pampered prince be so fit?

Shaking her head to clear the blush from her face, Ness walked down to the wet sand by the waves and began making a sand castle.

"You're not swimming, Ness?" Paula asked her.

"Nah. Don't feel like swimming just yet. Thought I'd make a sand castle first."

"Oh... Um... Okay..."

Paula walked over to Jeff, hiding behind him when a boy nearby whistled at her.

"Paula? What's wrong?" Jeff whispered to her.

"I was hoping you'd never see me like this... These... ugly things in plain sight, guys staring at me like I'm a freak of nature... I'd understand if you lose interest in me after thi-"

Jeff grabbed Paula's hand, squeezing it tightly. "Paula... Guys are staring at you because you're beautiful. But it doesn't matter what they think. Let them look. You'll always be mine, and mine alone."

Paula blushed, going red all the way down to her neck. "Um... Jeff... D-Do you want to go play ball in the water?"

"I'd love to." He replied.

The two love birds ran off to the water, while Poo went to stand over Ness.

"What is it you are making again with that wet sand?" he asked her.

"Ugh. Look, Mr. Late-to-the-party, I'm making a sand castle. Now leave me alone and go bother someone else. I don't want anything to do with you."

"Perhaps I could help you? Maybe gather seashells to decorate it with?"

"Hell no. I don't need your help. Just leave me alone."

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to go swimming with Paula and Jeff? The water looks refreshing."

Ness looked up and shot a glare at Poo. "I said. Leave. Me. Alone."

Poo said nothing, turning and walked over to a stand where a man was selling gelato. Evidently, he had never heard of the food before, and the man gave him a free sample. Soon, he was approached by a group of girls who began asking him questions. Ugh. This guy was popular with the girls, it seemed.

"Hey, hottie."

Ness looked up to see a muscled man in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses.

"What the fuck do _you_ want?"

"Ow, such a sharp tongue. I like it when the ladies talk dirty to me."

"Dude, how old are you, twenty-two? I'm only fifteen."

"Nah, I'm just big for my age. How about you and me head over to the cabana stand for some drinks?"

"I'm not old enough to drink, wise guy."

"I meant some fruity island drinks, or something."

"Not thirsty. Now leave."

"Aw, c'mon, baby. Don't leave me hangin' here. How about you and me go for a nice swim over by the rocks?"

"That's a definite no. Now get the fuck away from me, or I'll kick your ass."

The man furrowed his brow, kicking the teenaged tomboy's half-made sand castle.

"Hey! That was gonna be King Crab's palace, you prick!"

"I don't like taking no for an answer, babe." he growled.

"Well, then get used to it." Ness hissed. "You're gonna get a lot of no's wearing a shirt like that."

"What about my shirt, you bi-"

"Sorry, I can't hear you, your shirt is too loud." Ness mocked.

The guy reached forward, grabbing Ness by the arm. "I don't like your attitude. How about I make _you_ loud from screaming?"

"Get your fucking hand off me, you giant asshole."

"Excuse me."

The guy turned around to see Poo had tapped him on the shoulder. Bringing his hand back, the crown prince of Dalaam slugged him right in the stomach, making him double over in pain.

"Hey! I had that covered, Mr. Late-to-the-party!" Ness yelled to Poo.

"My apologies. I just thought I could remove him from your personal space before he made you any angrier."

"Ugh... That hurt! What are you, her boyfriend, or something?" the beach bully groaned as he stood.

"No way would this weirdo by my boyfriend!" Ness defended.

"I think you deserve a good soaking." He growled, grabbing Ness and picking her up.

He carried her out into the waves, the teenaged tomboy flailing and yelling obscenities. When he was deep enough out, he threw her a surprising distance into the water. Ness brought her head above the water and attempted to stand, but was pulled out by the riptide.

Crap! No, no, no! She couldn't swim. She couldn't swim! If she didn't drown, everyone would find out, and she'd lose her reputation!

Funny how that was on her mind despite the water entering her lungs. First thought should be survival, after all. Ness wasn't sure what happened, but she lost consciousness.

When her mind stirred awake, she felt something... warm and soft against her lips. Then it would move and she would feel warm pressure against her breasts. Then back to her lips. Then back to her breasts. She struggled to open her eyes, seeing what looked like a knight in shining armor with his hands pressing down on her chest. Then he leaned in and kissed her, and Ness felt a blush come to her face.

But... Then her vision cleared, and she saw it was... Poo.

Burping up a bit of water, Ness punched the prince of Dalaam square in the jaw. He stumbled back as Ness rolled onto her stomach, coughing up more water.

"You bastard! Did I _say_ I needed saving?" she cursed between coughs.

"You were clearly in trouble." Poo explained. "I felt it was my duty to save my team leader when she was drowning."

"I wasn't drowning! I just had a cramp!" Ness growled, sitting up. "And you didn't have to rape me!"

"I wasn't raping you, Ness. I was giving you CPR."

"Your hands were on my breasts, and you were stealing my first kiss! I'd say that qualifies as raping, you dick!"

"Your first kiss? I don't think CPR really counts as a kiss..."

"Well, it does!"

"Ness! Are you okay?"

The teenaged tomboy looked to see Jeff and Paula run up, carring some towels and bottles of water.

"Ugh. Where were you two? This guy was just getting to second base with me."

"Ness, you were drowning! Poo saved you! What happened?"

"I, uh... I got a cramp. Too soon after eating."

"Well, you should thank Poo. He just saved your life."

"But I didn't _ask_ to be saved! Let's just get back to our hotel room so I can wash this dirty feeling off me!"

Ness shakily stood, walking back to the hotel.

Despite what she said... she didn't feel dirty... Actually, her heart was beating really fast. That was her first kiss... And the first time a boy had touched her breasts. Fuck... What a way to get to first and second base... She hated Mr. Late-to-the-party with a passion now...

At least, that's what she told herself...

Fact was, he really _had_ saved her life. She just couldn't let anyone know about it. But she repaid her debts, so... Ness wasn't sure what to do. She owed Poo... But couldn't let anyone know it.


End file.
